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willow
protokase ghosted me constantly you don’t even know
willow
April 30, 2023 i did not realize this was sent until too late and then didn't know how to respond good job i bet it'll be a good start 20:52 May 7, 2023 just finished my last exam, officially done with uni course work hope yours are going well. and lol no worries about the response, tbh it was kind of an odd thing to send i just figured i'd update you since we talked about it. i've had a hard time
about it. i've had a hard time knowing what and how to communicate things to you especially over text (i worry about being a nuisance and have to put a lot of intentional effort into trying to hold a balanced conversation where i don't just talk about myself or badger you with questions). i feel a lot of messy emotions around you (admiration, intimidation, [constructive] envy [with correlated humiliation in the acknowledgement of my (perceived) deficiencies], unmatched existential relatability, attraction?) and that all makes me act a bit odd and anxious. not to mention that's a lot of erratic and awkward baggage for you to navigate too, even if it's just implicit or one-sided (in fact, the asymmetry itself is likely rather uncomfortable). it's a little
uncomfortable). it's a little bewildering the extent to which you've influenced me and how long the feelings have lingered. i don't know if we'll ever hang out or talk again regularly (and honestly i'm not even sure about my preferences in this regard either) but i guess i'd like you to know that despite its relative brevity the time i spent with you was one of the highlights of my college experience and i'm really glad we met. (also i'm aware this is like the fifth time i'm written some melodramatic excessive disclosure thing like this to you but idk how else to express myself because i'm confused lol). but yea as far as the job goes i
willow
(she didn’t respond to this one either)
willow
# diary › but first i wanna talk about current activity thing so kasey got back to me about a week ago on twitter and i saw it a few days ago I said: Got a job offer from I'm gonna take it today and I think She said: i did not realize this was sent until too late and then did't know how to respond good job i bet it'll be a good start and i havent really been avoiding, i just didnt exactly know what i wanted to say at first and didnt feel immediately compelled to reply but i was thinking about it tonight and decided i would reply tomorrow after exam tomorrow for a few reasons 1 so i can focus on exam 2 so it gives some kinda conversational intro thing ig idk but yea its actually really good idea bc it allows me to edit and tweak and plan out
# diary › so hopefully i won't be that far behind the real cs ppl. it is kinda weird tho to work at a place 5 mins away from where i grew up lol. i know i know mucho texto willow 5/6/23, 19:00 especially in twitter dms that shit is gonna be a mess lmao but its actually really nice even just for myself to get that written out and i'll have little hang ups with how im describing stuff so i'll go back and revise and im just glad im doing this v helpful to get a grasp on myself you know its like that when i pull out the parentheses within brackets within parentheses lol and to be clear im not expecting some extended heart to heart whatever shit lol i just don't feel like i can personally go on interacting without stating those things because it confuses me and is stressful to hold it all in my head and idk that minimum of disclousre and communication is prolly not a terrible thing? but tbf its not exactly 'minimum' lol
# diary › but yea its actually really good idea bc it allows me to edit and tweak and plan out still dont know if its an incredible thing i have written but its like comforting in a lot of ways its defi scuffed Imao but maybe in a good way who knows anywhere here is what i have written so far just finished my last exam, officially done with uni course work hope yours are going well and lol no worries about the response, tbh it was kind of an odd thing to send i just figured i'd update you since we talked about it. i've had a hard time knowing what and how to communicate things to you especially over text (i worry about being a nuisance and have to put a lot of intentional effort into trying to hold a balanced conversation where i don't just talk about myself or badger the recipient with questions). i feel a lot of messy emotions around you (admiration, intimidation, [constructive] envy [with a correlated humiliation in the acknowledgement of my (perceived) deficiency], unmatched existential relatability, attraction?) and that
# diary › communication is prolly not a terrible thing? but tbf its not exactly 'minimum' lol i imagine for most ppl its odd to be bombarded with a whole thing after limited interaction for months in between type thing but i love it personally citation: peiwen willow 5/6/23, 19:09 also the parenthetical with the 'empty signifier' is the most recent addition and the one im least confident in Imfao might just delete it altogether willow 5/6/23, 19:21 also holy shit the last time kasey and i actually physically saw one another was like late october