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However, I think the context of school made hanging out feel more approachable and simple. Her driving me home for us to spend time together was simple and easy. Later on, specific effort to hang out must have been made, and it wasn’t (at least on my part)
How we spent our time together was another thing. Long ago I think I just... made her watch me play Overwatch?? Which is super weird and rude lol. I guess it was just one of my only passions, and I didn’t know what else to do. Over time I would have her play, and then she would
Want to play other games. I hated that lol. I don’t know why, I just hated that so much. It wasn’t fun and I was really bored, but she enjoyed herself more and I didn’t get that. I suppose that’s pretty similar for our general interests as well.
Early on with our friend group we would hang out together, and I’m not really sure how that dynamic played out. I bet I was super cringey and weird. I don’t exactly remember how I felt about these sessions, but I think some parts I remember fondly,like the freedom of going places
In a car. But overall I think I disliked them, and would have just preferred to spend time with just gail. Which is pretty funny considering we didn’t do anything really. I must have been so insufferable.
I’ve deemed far off my original script of roles huh? Idk basically I just think that over time for a multitude of various reasons, I became less dependent on her. And this could have been fine, and could have been an opportunity for growth, but I didn’t really have anything
That I wanted to replace it with. Not only that, but over time I also wanted less to do with her. Our time together wasn’t very fun for me I don’t think, activities wise. And with no high school, I didn’t need an everyday companion, I didn’t need anyone to talk with
I had myself, and that just sort of worked. Obviously we still kept in contact and would see each other, but it wasn’t the same. We weren’t having sex anymore, or at least not consistently. I think the relationship was transactional in a lot of ways for me. In some ways I think
That’s okay though. Like if I realized what I liked or didn’t, or what I didn’t need anymore, that’s fine. The only problem is that didn’t leave anything left for her, and she needed more. And why would I do so much extra for her? I wouldn’t get anything out of it, and it’s not
Like the relationship was offering my side of the transaction much anymore. (To be clear, I’m being hyperbolic to make the understanding fit, I deeply valued her love and support throughout) our interests diverged greatly, we spent no time together and when we did it was always
Somewhat unenjoyable/unfulfilling for one or both of us. Talking with her was great whether online or in text, and social events with her there felt really nice. Just the core of the relationship was sort of hollowed out. None of this is to mention the fundamental schism of our
Long term life goals throughout, but this was meant to be a certain kind of way to understand the relationship, which is obv simplified. Also, I left out how my parents pressured and influenced the relationship a lot (especially around sex), which I should revisit at some point
I dunno, I think this was too simple of a model,but maybe there’s some insight. I do think by the end there wasn’t much of a relationship,which I enjoyed as much as she hated. I think our personalities are fundamentally incompatible (at least for now) but that sucks bc I love her
To clarify, I think breaking up was mostly inevitable, at least if we wanted to be happy, unless something drastic changed. I think our mutual love forced it a long time, but at the time I suppose it didn’t feel too much like forcing to me, she didnt force much on me
I still miss her friendship an awful lot, and in the future I think I should talk about what I think that might look like, but then again maybe that just won’t work. And maybe that’s for the best. I think I should end the thread now.