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Tbh tho more than anything I wish we addressed things properly as they came up, so that all this reflection wouldnt be neccessary. Obv this was not achievable at high school level, we just werent mature enough. And in college, she either had no desire to or was too busy,prob both
Which makes breakup like even more inevitable, if the relationship im looking for has constant communication on a meta level about whats going on and what we want it to be and processing what is happening, its just super challenging to do that with someone who its not their style
like she def leaned back on the hueristics of dating and how things should be and then worked from there, rather than designing those things for herself. which tbf is super fucking hard and im incredibly privileged to have the time and space to think about that stuff, and its
also just my preference. Our differences definitely became apparent at the end, and I suppose the breakup is for the best, bc i dont think she could deal with any other way. like the category of "boyfriend" provided a lot of utility to her in the same way that gender does, and
those types of categories were rapidly becoming not my style in any way. Im aware that it was too fast and radical and I didn't handle that well, but tbf she didnt really want to talk about it much either. idk the whole thing is messy.
for some reason tho i really wish we could talk about the sex stuff. maybe its just bc i feel guilty and want her to validate me, but i think (or hope) it might be more than that. she was the only other one there, and I think her perspective would be valuable. ideally she would
have thought about it ahead of time, and we could just chat things out. And part of me thinks, so what? if she disagreed with me and thought I was like the worst person in the world, thats her problem. but like i really dont want to be blinded by just having my personal bias
like despite it all being in the past and i wont act like that again, i think it would be nice to break it down and be forced to be confronted with that stuff. and the other thing is i think shes really smart and i respect her opinion when she spends the time on issues
that all being said, I know that closure is kinda just some elusive thing that doesn't really happen and I dont think this fairy tale will ever happen. 2022 will probably have some awkward texts, maybe we'll meet up once, but yeah idk. even if we do remain friends (dont see how
rn) I dont think we'll ever have that closure. which on one hand is like eh so what I have all sorts of relationships without closure, but yknow she was an important part of my life for an important time in my life.
i dont really know what to say, these threads always ramble. i miss her, and i wish relationships in our society weren't treated this way. but like given the context the relationship took place in, and how much it was informed by society, a full break up with big time gap was
necessary and inevitable. the only thing that would really suck is if those social standards played a large part in keeping us from being close after. but i mean its also possibly a good thing thatll force me to get other friends, like it would be maybe pretty boring not to have
any irl friends, but I don't want "bro" friends. queer ppl would prob be good place to go, but at this point i dont rly understnad how making friends works so thatll be weird. Ill be forced to do a lot of things outside my comfort zone now, :/ but also good for me prob