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:/ i miss being able to talk to Gail about health issues. It's frustrating when I have questions and have no idea where to go. Not like just I'm curious about the actual issue, but it was nice to listen to a friend explain something with intelligence.
Sort of a personalized mini education on things that im curious about. I really appreciated that, it was nice. By the way, its been a bit since I've really felt hard about her for a bit. Like it comes in and out still ofc, but its slowly getting better.
I think that's good, but at the same time that by itself does sting a bit. Like a next step of her exiting my life, which is just kinda :/. I want her to be happy, and I know this is better for both of us in the long run, I just miss having that level of intimacy with a person.
And its interesting, I've been thinking less and less about dating others as well. Not that I was ever considering that in anywhere near the short term, but I think that's just sort of where your mind goes when you lose someone in that "partner" role.
So I think its fair to attribute the lessening thinking of dating others as just an extension of thinking about her as much. Alternatively, the recent focus for me around eating has maybe taken center stage and crowded out everything else, which is a little worrying.
I hope I'm not just covering up feelings with this, and that I don't deal with myself properly because of it.
I also have the urge to say again that I very much hold her in high regard, and think she's a really great person. I usually don't like to use great person without qualifying in what sense, but it feels right here. Obviously we had our issues and she wasn't perfect.
And I have previously said that most of the issues were my fault, which is probably true, but I also think I oversold it a bit. As in my personality and preferences lend themselves much less to the traditional expectations for a partner in a relationship, much less a "boyfriend"
I don't want to excuse my behavior too much though. Clearly I grew a lot during the period we were together, and a lot of that growth was probably more painful to her than to me. Then again, I was fairly forgiving and lenient with her problematic behavior for the most part,
which is not necessarily a good thing but I definitely didn't demand much out of her for the most part. Not that demanding is bad, its very very normalized in romantic relationships in our society and relationship anarchism is far away from that norm.
Not that I necessarily am on board with all of the implications of RA, but I definitely had a lot of similar behavior in my relationships. Still though, even with RA communication is vitally important, and I dropped the ball on that with my concerns, probably partly because
I felt as if my concerns were pretty petty, and I didn't even really need her to change much. But clearly that can cause of a lot of problems, especially if people are on different pages. And I think a lot of my lack of communication caused the large issues in our relationship
Like the multiple mini breakups or any time I would let something bothering me fester until I blew up. I definitely need to learn how to speak up for myself even, no especially, when it is minor. Otherwise I let it go and passively let it happen.
I hope I learn the right lessons from our time together, and I hope she can continue to grow as well.