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Fuck. thinking about long term stuff makes me like incredibly nervous for the future. I am really struggling to find something that would fit my values, if I could even fully nail them down. The main thing tho is that i feel no security.
Everything is up in the air, especially without Gail being around. Like before I had the reassurance that she would have good stable job prospects and that I had flexibility with my options. Now I feel really constrained and really fearful about the future.
I fear that I will either be miserable with my work or find nothing sufficient and end up barely scraping by with shitty jobs or something. The fear is very intense and thinking about it makes me want the security back. I would trade a lot to have that security back in my life.
My initial emotions when thinking about this was to say fuck it and do whatever things Gail wanted from me to stay. Who cares at that point, if the alternative is between being miserable for the rest of my life and being financially insecure. Its not like the tradeoff is that bad
I would just have to do things with her that she was interested and passionate about, and remember to get her cute gifts and to communicate often. Honestly that stuff is totally acceptable and enjoyable. I think the only reason why I was struggling to do that in our relationship
was that the alternative was just taking time for myself and having that personal freedom and time to think and explore myself. That's my favorite activity in the world, so I'll obviously choose that. But if the alternative is selling out my values and long term stability,
making personal sacrifices for her is the easiest thing to do. sure, I won't enjoy it as much as her and maybe not as much as she'd like me to, but I won't be miserable.
And now I suppose I have to think about this from her perspective. Would she be interested in a relationship like that? I mean she would definitely want me to have a job, but would probably be pretty flexible with me, and I could make it up by doing the bills and housework
Going on trips and adventures and things would be frustrating probably, and because I sort of lack the genuine interest that would lose the magic that she feels in them. I could force myself, and I could act like whatever, but that shines through and isn't sustainable.
I don't know, maybe it would be possible, but I think she would remain unfulfilled. And I think I would probably be unfulfilled as well. Instead of selling out, I would be profiting off of a synthetic relationship out of fear of life.
She is protective and safe and I have a bad habit of really playing it safe in life. But I also have a bad habit of not taking on the responsibilities that the current paradigm offers. Even if it's shit and cruel and oppressive, at some point I will have to sell out for someone
else's profit. It's not fair of me to take advantage of someone else merely because the surrounding systems suck. Or maybe it is, idk, ethics is hard. Regardless I know it wouldn't work for her, so it won't work at all.
I hope I can figure out something soon. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do.