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I put words in her mouth unfairly so I shouldn’t do that. But yeah idk like I feel like it would be healthy to date some other people, including guys, just to be like yeah this is what I want. Ideally that dating around wouldnt be exclusive with getting back together with her,
But in reality yknow? And it’s interesting my mom told her about some of the stuff I’ve been up to and she was shocked, we both have changed and idk about the causality on that. Like in some ways I feel being apart has been really healthy for my personal development, in a
Knowing myself way. Like sure I’ve just partly spent a bunch of time in classes or reading theory lol, but I found an interest in education which is cool. Gay stuff has changed a bit too. I think I often focused on it or played it up to demonstrate like hey this is real I’m valid
But it wasn’t like really me ig, but also maybe that was just me finding my footing with stuff. Like I feel like now I’m just comfy being like yup my gender/sexuality is queer and I just chill, don’t have to think about it too much.
Guess it was also just hard figuring stuff out by myself without Real World TM interaction and only my cishet girlfriend to talk it though with me :P awkward dynamic there (and I handled yikes, but she was gracious)
I think me forcing stuff to support a “profile” of me was pretty common and pretty harmful tho. Happened in a bunch of areas, and I don’t really know how to avoid. Wasn’t nearly as bad as start of relationship but yeah idk
Ig I’ll talk about 1, but idrk how much to read into it. My mom obv did lots, but idk. I don’t get birthday stuff that much anyway, just confusing. Maybe that confusing is why I’m thinking so much? Or do I like want it to be one way or another?
Like obv being valued is cool, and having a relationship with gail (in any form incl platonic) would be nice, but would I want more? I hate having to think like this bc I dislike the platonic romantic binary and just find it confusing
But obv that’s kinda the dominant cultural understanding of things and I can’t imagine I’d blackpill gail on relationship anarchy, so I kinda have to approach it that way? Alternatively I could just be like you are committing violence by preventing my free association blah blah
Anyway im kinda off track. Like I think keeping gail in my life would be really really nice in theory, but I am skeptical in practice, and I don’t know what I’d like that relationship to look like. Also negotiating that dynamic alone is like very foolish, thats not how
Relationships work. Neolib brain got me thinking in transaction shit. But yeah I’m also just pretty worried that I would fuck her life up yknow? Like shes on track to get a killer $ job, has big relocation plans (which apparently now encompass half the habitable US), travel stuff
Peace corps (still don’t know what that is ngl but pretty sure it’s like a year abroad doing real shit). And then there’s stuff like just dispositional differences - I’m comfy (and prefer) living like a raccoon, I am kinda anti materialist which causes problems, introverty
This sounds like I’m trying to be virtuous or whatever but that’s not what I’m saying. Like we just have sorta big gaps like that, and while different people can for sure be chill together idk if that’s what she wants. I don’t say that to put the blame on her or anything,
Just think about the cost/benefit (neolib brain strikes again) I get partner with $$ security and ambition, and cost is vacation, getting her commodities, expectation of doing things TM, solo partner (Relationship anarchy arc pls 🙏)
She gets: no $, confused motivation (motivation is bourgeoisie work is prison etc etc) grumpy do nothing rat baby (so sorry for the speciesism), but cool person 😎. Idk just doesn’t seem super worth. And obv methodology of cost benefit is absurd in this context, but still she’s