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Guess it was also just hard figuring stuff out by myself without Real World TM interaction and only my cishet girlfriend to talk it though with me :P awkward dynamic there (and I handled yikes, but she was gracious)
I think me forcing stuff to support a “profile” of me was pretty common and pretty harmful tho. Happened in a bunch of areas, and I don’t really know how to avoid. Wasn’t nearly as bad as start of relationship but yeah idk
Ig I’ll talk about 1, but idrk how much to read into it. My mom obv did lots, but idk. I don’t get birthday stuff that much anyway, just confusing. Maybe that confusing is why I’m thinking so much? Or do I like want it to be one way or another?
Like obv being valued is cool, and having a relationship with gail (in any form incl platonic) would be nice, but would I want more? I hate having to think like this bc I dislike the platonic romantic binary and just find it confusing
But obv that’s kinda the dominant cultural understanding of things and I can’t imagine I’d blackpill gail on relationship anarchy, so I kinda have to approach it that way? Alternatively I could just be like you are committing violence by preventing my free association blah blah
Anyway im kinda off track. Like I think keeping gail in my life would be really really nice in theory, but I am skeptical in practice, and I don’t know what I’d like that relationship to look like. Also negotiating that dynamic alone is like very foolish, thats not how
Relationships work. Neolib brain got me thinking in transaction shit. But yeah I’m also just pretty worried that I would fuck her life up yknow? Like shes on track to get a killer $ job, has big relocation plans (which apparently now encompass half the habitable US), travel stuff
Peace corps (still don’t know what that is ngl but pretty sure it’s like a year abroad doing real shit). And then there’s stuff like just dispositional differences - I’m comfy (and prefer) living like a raccoon, I am kinda anti materialist which causes problems, introverty
This sounds like I’m trying to be virtuous or whatever but that’s not what I’m saying. Like we just have sorta big gaps like that, and while different people can for sure be chill together idk if that’s what she wants. I don’t say that to put the blame on her or anything,
Just think about the cost/benefit (neolib brain strikes again) I get partner with $$ security and ambition, and cost is vacation, getting her commodities, expectation of doing things TM, solo partner (Relationship anarchy arc pls 🙏)
She gets: no $, confused motivation (motivation is bourgeoisie work is prison etc etc) grumpy do nothing rat baby (so sorry for the speciesism), but cool person 😎. Idk just doesn’t seem super worth. And obv methodology of cost benefit is absurd in this context, but still she’s
Gotta look out for herself yknow? Anyway all this is to say idk what I want but I’d be interested in talking with her. I really do want her to be happy and don’t want to hold her back in any way. Ig not much different than when we broke up lol. Maybe indicates not enough growth
But idk. Don’t wanna be unhealthy attached forever, but obv super cool person I won’t ever forget. Ig hard bc I got dumped and was fine enough with how things were. Before this I felt pretty at peace with not being together but idk
Like cool person -> want relationship of some kind + no distinction between platonic/romantic makes hard. Feels like hope for relationship is hard cope tho, and like it’s hard to fully get over w/o closure, but that kind of closure has to come from her bc I won’t cut off
Messy bc if we were both RAs it would just be having another relationship, but instead it excludes other ppl :/ I know unfair to her and lots of work and doesn’t look good like I’m being cringe horny guy misogynist but that’s not how I think :/ full thread btw might start another