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Like obv being valued is cool, and having a relationship with gail (in any form incl platonic) would be nice, but would I want more? I hate having to think like this bc I dislike the platonic romantic binary and just find it confusing
But obv that鈥檚 kinda the dominant cultural understanding of things and I can鈥檛 imagine I鈥檇 blackpill gail on relationship anarchy, so I kinda have to approach it that way? Alternatively I could just be like you are committing violence by preventing my free association blah blah
Anyway im kinda off track. Like I think keeping gail in my life would be really really nice in theory, but I am skeptical in practice, and I don鈥檛 know what I鈥檇 like that relationship to look like. Also negotiating that dynamic alone is like very foolish, thats not how
Relationships work. Neolib brain got me thinking in transaction shit. But yeah I鈥檓 also just pretty worried that I would fuck her life up yknow? Like shes on track to get a killer $ job, has big relocation plans (which apparently now encompass half the habitable US), travel stuff
Peace corps (still don鈥檛 know what that is ngl but pretty sure it鈥檚 like a year abroad doing real shit). And then there鈥檚 stuff like just dispositional differences - I鈥檓 comfy (and prefer) living like a raccoon, I am kinda anti materialist which causes problems, introverty
This sounds like I鈥檓 trying to be virtuous or whatever but that鈥檚 not what I鈥檓 saying. Like we just have sorta big gaps like that, and while different people can for sure be chill together idk if that鈥檚 what she wants. I don鈥檛 say that to put the blame on her or anything,
Just think about the cost/benefit (neolib brain strikes again) I get partner with $$ security and ambition, and cost is vacation, getting her commodities, expectation of doing things TM, solo partner (Relationship anarchy arc pls 馃檹)
She gets: no $, confused motivation (motivation is bourgeoisie work is prison etc etc) grumpy do nothing rat baby (so sorry for the speciesism), but cool person 馃槑. Idk just doesn鈥檛 seem super worth. And obv methodology of cost benefit is absurd in this context, but still she鈥檚
Gotta look out for herself yknow? Anyway all this is to say idk what I want but I鈥檇 be interested in talking with her. I really do want her to be happy and don鈥檛 want to hold her back in any way. Ig not much different than when we broke up lol. Maybe indicates not enough growth
But idk. Don鈥檛 wanna be unhealthy attached forever, but obv super cool person I won鈥檛 ever forget. Ig hard bc I got dumped and was fine enough with how things were. Before this I felt pretty at peace with not being together but idk
Like cool person -> want relationship of some kind + no distinction between platonic/romantic makes hard. Feels like hope for relationship is hard cope tho, and like it鈥檚 hard to fully get over w/o closure, but that kind of closure has to come from her bc I won鈥檛 cut off
Messy bc if we were both RAs it would just be having another relationship, but instead it excludes other ppl :/ I know unfair to her and lots of work and doesn鈥檛 look good like I鈥檓 being cringe horny guy misogynist but that鈥檚 not how I think :/ full thread btw might start another