I jog like 100 yards every few days and now my metabolism is like 📈

I feel so restless, I can’t sleep and I don’t feel relaxed after work

boysmell uwu

I feel rly tired, classes are a lot rn :/

genshin boys hnnnggg

i really like my voice today 🥰

i just felt heartache for the first time since gail and I broke up bc i was listening to "it never stops" by bad books

oh also i wanted to mention this the other day but when I went out with brother and dad for birthday i saw this super cute guy omg lol i was blush so hard >///< for some reason its more exciting and intense, prob because I haven't been able to express it before now

I need to do more research on permaculture, rewilding, and light/heavy industry. They seem to be some of the areas where anarchism has its most powerful arguments against liberal/socdem solutions

One option is just keep doing whatever feels right with relationship(s) (lmao) and by January we catch up and see, basically just act like RA. Justification being it’s what I believe and compromising that for someone, even if they’re really important to me, would be antithetical

Ok so my mom told me things that Gail texted her when I was over for my birthday, and I need to process it. 2 big things:1 she wanted to text me about birthday but wanted to keep rules we set, and 2her expectations have become more “realistic” and she doesn’t need to live in cali

I bounce from socdem to anarchist depending on the issue, scale, time frame. potentially just have to read more theory and i still am learning but it certainly is an odd moment for me

lol i look like shit, bags so big no sleep

Decided I wanted to do some reflection (I was not already thinking about). Being without Gail in some ways is like super freeing for me. Like there’s an additional responsibility for myself and handling things that I just didn’t have. I think even though I consciously knew she

Anarchy!!!

My political journey: 1) injustice and oppression exist 2) often its systemic 3) corporations play a massive role in this oppression 4) the government has incredible potential to solve these issues 5) ah nevermind the state only acts in its own interest

Uncomfortable with body -> no eat -> no energy/focus -> overwhelmed -> spiral for a bit -> decide I want to eat again -> energy is back, so is weight (or perception of) Start over 😀

My personality is so variable, I hate how much I change depending on social environment

cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe cringecringecringecringecringe

:( I feel like nothing is interesting to me rn. no games, no videos, no more school work (im doing enough). Idk, I think maybe I want social interaction (specifically from ryna or other ppl from maya's server) but the server is down so yea idk

anxiety anxiety anxiety fuck fuck fuck fuck sorry sorry sorry gah gah ahg;lkasdhjg

Ok I’ve gotta type some stuff out bc I’m kinda confused and I can’t sleep. So yesterday and today I’ve been playing on FemBoyMaths’ minecraft server they just started, and there’s a lot of weird social things about myself I’ve noticed n stuff because of it, idk how to make sense

genuinely the most gender affirming interaction ive had 🥰

went for a walk/run today :) i cant run very long but i went on and off. very hot

Continuing to grapple with allowing myself to feel things and moving on. I don’t want to dwell too much maybe? But I definitely don’t want to suppress. I honestly think a huge part of me lacking that “”closure”” is not having someone I consider a true peer to talk to.

I have a serious anxiety problem lol. I don’t know what to do about that. I feel like it’s not even about learning intelligent ways to approach and think about things more clearly, it’s just an instant emotional reaction. Feels out of control and can mess me up for a bit :/

I spent a bunch of time today looking at Filipino stuff and idk how really to feel about it. Maybe its just guilt from not caring earlier or something. It does a little bit worry me how much I'm still affected by her, like worried I'm not getting over things. But if I take a

god i wish i could talk with gail about this https://x.com/POCculture/status/1400905443111673857

Lol holy shit I gained 15 pounds in less 45 days (160 now) what the fuck

I can't handle talking and being seen and shit right now I just want to chill out and listen i fucking hate this shit fuck fuck man

holy fuck my anxiety is so so so fucking bad rn holy shit i hate this shit fuck me fuck this fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Not sure why but today has kinda been really rough for me emotionally. Woke up very tired, internet went out, lots of emotions while trying to help dad navigate something for his workers, called internet, accidentally called gail in the process (fuck), groceries,lots of homework,

also i accidentally called gails number today. i hung immediately but idk if she still got a notification. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I think I definitely engaged in a lot of selfish passivity while dating Gail. And while in many cases it may have been acceptable or not necessarily wrong, I don't think I ever communicated what I was doing or thinking properly.

fuck man, i just learned that i was like fundamentally misinformed about the pacific islands and the groups that make it up, and also that i had like no knowledge whatsoever basically. thats actually really shitty.

Oh my god lol, I hadn’t been masturbating too much for a while, and recently felt more often in the mood. Apparently there’s a link between vitamin d levels and testosterone?? If that’s causal thats very funny timing with me starting supplements, otherwise just coincidence.

THIS CLASS SO FCKING COOL! I maybe talk too much o.o

Oh yeah tomorrow I start my 2nd summer course, we’ll see how overwhelmed I get. GL we’ll see

went for a walk today, not entirely sure why, just felt like it. enjoyed it. I think a big part of me "growing up" is me coming to learn that I can enjoy things I thought I couldn't/didn't, and that most of my dislike came from me doing things on other people's terms.

looked at pics of her again, ouchie

hair cut :( i liked length in front

I’ve thought about this for a bit and I think I’ve decided that I won’t be contacting Gail first, even after the break time we’ve set is up. This space is a lot more for her than me, and I need to respect that. It would be selfish for me to message her out of me

I've known this for a while but I don't think I've written it down or distinctly thought about it, but I think I just hate the idea of interacting with the world. I don't know how to really put this in words.

Also apparently Gail got nervous and uncomfortable and backed out of talking with my mom. I hope she’s doing alright. I suppose it hadn’t crossed my mind much, I don’t feel like I really offered much. And I don’t think I even mean that in a self detrimental way idk

Very inconsistent feeling right now. Manic focus, followed by binging and lethargy, this all fucking sucks

:(

John Dewey

numb

I’ve had an interesting last two days. I submitted my project on Thursday morning, and my plan previously was to begin studying for my exams in a few days. I’m not entirely sure what happened but I kinda just shut down. Thursday was bizarre and completely unproductive.

The last few days I’ve had feelings that led me believe I had feelings to process about Gail again, but every time I tried I wouldn’t have anything to say. And I think now I’m realizing that I was just feeling sort of emotionally vulnerable and reflective, and those emotions