thanks babe

elliot rodger lol

figured it might keep the cops out of my mentions

Reasoned for 2m 14s

i’m probably gonna wanna nap again today, im real tired. bleh

hm i think my clinical analysis of willow love is that she despises being pursued

danii was wrong, she doesn’t love falling in love, she loves the chase of convincing someone to love her

this isn’t exactly right but there is lots of evidence for it. the unfortunate case of anna, the elation of being told to slow down by annie, the disinterest that swallows relationships after having conquered their affection, my baffling persisting casual interest in hailey, ollie/julie qpr

the other perspective is like, usually someone being interested in me is bothersome. it’s not so much about domination as it is about not being intruded upon. evidence: cinny/chloe chill vibes, the benign annoyance of kasey demandingness, whatever low-stress things i’ve landed on now w ppl

that’s the push factor. the pull factor explanation of why i can get so giddy/affectionate is that 1) yea duh new sparkles fun exuberance 2) its annoying when people hold back for arbitrary reasons and i want to break that glass ceiling so we can hang out and figure out things for real.

after reaching that summit point together where everything is unlocked and nothing is off limits, that’s when it feels like the relationship can actually start. but this is problematic because 1) it’s manipulative 2) a decent amount of time/connection has probably taken place to get to that point

3) the evaluation can be pretty sharp and jarring for both parties when it finally drops. everything before then is like singlemindedly in pursuit of more more more while postponing proper reflection

working in customer service is awesome because you get to figure out new ways of communicating “nothing happened because you configured the software to only act when (P and not P) is true”

matter of time by kevin devine is very good

i like when all the professors post their syllabi on twt and chat with their peers it’s cute

unfortunately all the selections are mid as hell and make me depressed at the state of things but whatever

so brief too, like there’s no real coverage of anything

i watched the whale and i liked the scenes that portrayed the disgust of eating but everything else was forgettable

kasey came into my apartment to wake me up for the executive address

i’m deathly exhausted i need more sleep badly, i did not get much last night

i don’t miss ollie

i’m not sure what i meant by this but i know it’s true, at least as a false speech-act

there’s something so disrespectful about the “idc whatever, i was expecting it” mindset

like all the consideration was about ayu, juliet wasn’t even a factor at all tonight for anything

idrk, i’m disappointed yet again.

the juxtaposition of my calls with julie and the disinterest of my messages with hailey

the yay-saying negativist

yea yea

(sidney morgenbesser reference)

to be abundantly clear the negativist citation is adorno

n0thanky0u was so right that south america is the future of music

peep patreon podcast 2024-11-27 (and 2024-12-04)

a new beginning, ends with loss. clarification through distance, they say. getting too comfortable, the chemicals prevail. "never mistaken flight for victory." too stagnant, living through nothing together. what if, waiting, or in the making. step up.

homesick for a home i never had. homesick for a heart i never owned. inconsistencies in your chest were a craft i should of known. solitude is just, it's just alone. feeling numb is better than what you'd think. and i swear, once i'm on my own, i'll never do this again.

posting that was genuinely heartbreaking

i'm just fucking sad man, everything is a bummer. it is and will be fine, but there's just such a pinch in my heart

that too was messy and inarticulate, and not in a "waow so raw so deep way". i misspoke and my emphasis is still all wrong but whatever man i'm tired

grundrisse ass cover art

"everything's fine" hits, good track

i think tomorrow i'd like to find a place to hide and listen to music

like yea i'm a part of it but that's not really the primary purpose, it's more like performative over the top self-flagellation with the intention to remind people that this shit is not benign or innocuous, it doesn't come from nowhere, one ought reflect on it's sources, integration, usage, etc etc.

lowkey i also just hate the obscurity and pretending everyone has about this stuff too. everyone presents themselves as something they are not and the only real way to verify is to be obnoxiously transparent. but it either comes off as genuinely guilt-ridden or humble bragging.

it's a flawed strat, i don't think i'm gonna do it anymore. it causes a lot of interpersonal issues and it's blunt and ugly so i'm backing down. i think it was more rhetorically effective when i was making 70k, because techies were making more than me and i could be like "even with this its opulent"

i'm kinda done trying to spread or share what i think. for one i'm not as sharp as before. it also just doesn't matter. i sorta just have an accumulation of blurry dispositions and reactions, and im grateful for those, but at this point i'm inarticulate and don't have any fight in me.

i don't care about anything other than my friends and it sucks to see them hurt all the time and no one pays it any mind. we're all so much more damaged than we realize and everyone is just trying to protect themselves and maintain their pride instead.

yes affirmation and yay-saying are good, but when it's purpose is cowardly ego defense or ignorant pride it's just weakness. i'm weak too and i don't know what to do and i can't fix the world. so i guess i'll acknowledge myself privately, place my focus elsewhere, and make the most of what i have.