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i really dislike the person i am now
once again convinced that quietism is my only obligation

But the thesis of this paradox leads to destruction, a loveless disregard for things which necessarily turns against people too; and the antithesis, no sooner uttered, is an ideology for those wishing with a bad conscience to keep what they have. Wrong life cannot be lived rightly.
this is not some retarded “no ethical consumption under capitalism” shit, this is cause for agonizing and active despair for any step you make. suicide would be the correct solution, if it were not so self-serving.