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take steps to distance myself but afterwards it's hard not to think about the vulnerable position they put themselves in and the responsibility that gives me to treat them with kindness, a responsibility i never quite get right.
because idk i probably don't dislike you on the whole, evidently that's the case because with all of these types or relationships ive returned to them after some time to try and interact. like we didn't hit it off for no reason. it's just that the current context is overwhelming for me and
it's challenging to de-escalate that without killing the relationship as a whole, and/or significantly stifling their interest in me. but those points we're starting to tread into manipulative and selfish territory.
like i appreciate the intimacy i just can't handle the intensity, and it feels like if i give up one the other will collapse too, but that's not my decision to make for them.
but even as i type that and know that to be true (not even morally but just prudentially, like it is going to cause practical and predictable issues), i still don't like actually believe it to my core in an action-guiding way. i can see that it has and will continue to cause me issues,
and that i could stand to be a lot more explicit and open about my actual mental state, but it just feels so risky and is frightening. but those aren't good reasons dude!
so i just stay quiet and try to handle that all in my head one-sidedly and it makes all interactions this veiled and confused thing that is extra stressful for me, i think i have to learn to articulate myself. it's just hard because idk what even the nature of that discussion looks like!
like what am i supposed to say? it can't be framed as like a serious intervention or disruption of what we're already doing, something akin to a breakup or taking a break or step back. because that way implies a disruption in connection that i don't really intend or desire, and even if i affirm that
directly, it's going to come across otherwise. but i think im underestimating the people i'm talking to, especially nowadays at our current age. it would probably be fine. i just also dont trust myself to articulate and that if i screw up and cause a misunderstanding, the stakes are the relationship
to quote kasey: i have to be a big girl and coordinate a mutual relationship reassessment with my situationship and speak openly about the feelings i have, even if they're conflicted/confused/not fully worked out/risky because the inevitable consequence of postponing is resentment/deterioration
the trouble is speaking openly while not being sure what honesty looks like, and i'm notoriously unreliable at working it out on the fly. but in some sense it feels necessary for it to be worked out together and not giving them the opportunity to contribute to our self-determination is bad
i mean bad practically, and it's funny because the relationships i have been more open with have found a way of working, i think im just right when ive said in the past that proximity trumps all as a precondition for interaction and as long as you maintain interaction it'll work out.