and that i could stand to be a lot more explicit and open about my actual mental state, but it just feels so risky and is frightening. but those aren't good reasons dude!

so i just stay quiet and try to handle that all in my head one-sidedly and it makes all interactions this veiled and confused thing that is extra stressful for me, i think i have to learn to articulate myself. it's just hard because idk what even the nature of that discussion looks like!

like what am i supposed to say? it can't be framed as like a serious intervention or disruption of what we're already doing, something akin to a breakup or taking a break or step back. because that way implies a disruption in connection that i don't really intend or desire, and even if i affirm that

directly, it's going to come across otherwise. but i think im underestimating the people i'm talking to, especially nowadays at our current age. it would probably be fine. i just also dont trust myself to articulate and that if i screw up and cause a misunderstanding, the stakes are the relationship

to quote kasey: i have to be a big girl and coordinate a mutual relationship reassessment with my situationship and speak openly about the feelings i have, even if they're conflicted/confused/not fully worked out/risky because the inevitable consequence of postponing is resentment/deterioration

the trouble is speaking openly while not being sure what honesty looks like, and i'm notoriously unreliable at working it out on the fly. but in some sense it feels necessary for it to be worked out together and not giving them the opportunity to contribute to our self-determination is bad