yea this was less of my real opinion (among other reasons, it’s obviously untenable, that’s not how learning works) and more of a self-deprecating description of my revealed behavior
it’s just scary becoming less dumb, and it always feels like i should just be doing my homework and lurking more before bothering others, but it’s not clear when that is supposed to end (hence “[tbd]”)
i sometimes ask qs and every instance is seared into my brain and felt terrible in the moment, but like it was helpful and i would have struggled myself so it’s cool, im still just really averse to it
i like in desperate fear of behaving like this (again)
learning should be a solitary activity until [tbd] to avoid the humiliation of everyone involved
i don’t want you to suffer any more than you have, and i appreciate the well intentioned gesture to let me save face, but for the record none of this was mutual
i really do see the vision of why this was necessary though, and i harbor no resentment. i know you can do better without the impediments of me and my associations
i don’t intend to comment much more on it, but i hope you’ll forgive me for writing these letters of my own to compensate for the ones i’ll never receive