this sucks

and when these happen it feels like theres nothing to really look forward to in life like anything i do will just bring me pain and the rest of my existence will just be trying to limit the bad feelings

i dont have anything i really aspire to be and most of the joy i feel is weird and fleeting and just not worth the pain on the other side.

i dont want to think about the problems of the world, i dont want to fight, i dont want to interact, i sometimes think i want to go "home", where home isnt like a place but is more like a content state of mind, but that doesn't last long.

idk if its anxiety or what but i go through these spouts where the thought of human interaction is actually sickening and i just never want to see anyone ever again. its really uncomfortable knowing that ill have to continue on and i desperately want to avoid it

"productivity" hell i fucking hate this shit, I'm so tired of this shit

i tried putting myself out a lot recently and they haven't gone super great

i know i cant judge things just from outcome but its just super draining and frustrating and it feels like for no point

im not even sure why i was doing that. i kinda really just wanna chill rn and im really overwhelmed even tho basically nothing is going on.

going to PA class, talking to PA TA, talking to PA classmates (req), going to philos prof meeting, talking to philos prof, going to PS class, talking to PS classmates (req), ren dm, ryno dm, muz dm, its just all way too much

it really feels like a lot and i just don't feel like i can rest. there is no rest. everything feels like im on the clock. life just keeps moving and i can't stop it.

im really tired w social interaction stuff

really like this, and the point about using "kids" not "children" is interesting https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/i-an-ok-ta-chai-youth-liberation

which i mean they messaged me after a bit saying they finished jerking off so ig maybe they were just busy

overall just a sort of an odd series of interactions that i dont know how to make sense of lol

had really odd interaction with ryno lol... is this how girls feel receiving horny texts? he sent me 2 nudes w little to no context whatsoever lol

i mean they weren't exactly unwanted? like hes really cute and hot but i def wasnt really ready or expecting, didnt really know what to do with. and hes pretty bad at convo stuff in general so it was hard to continue conversations after them (sent at 2 separate times)

like i feel like i could have handled if it was all horny talk but it was this weird like drop pics and then give the bare minimum interaction responses

Like she was trying too I think I just really struggled bc of the authority gap, always makes me so uncomfy

Also bc the work I was talking about had better concepts than her required book that we’ve spent 2 weeks on so maybe it felt like I was attacking her choices and she had to play defense

i was like developmentally stagnant for a long time in my youth, like totally unaware of a lot of really important shit. parents kept shit, friends with similar (like scott) I just really didn't have very much interaction with real stuff.

tbh prob why im so into youth lib on an emotional level

Oh also I talked to ren (MuZhoka’s romantic/sexual interest) last night and she’s super cool. She posted this as a part of her daily Instagram update post thing. Very cute very fun

Heading in to a meeting with prof to talk about book I read. P out of character but idk I thought it might be fun. Also the book is about sex and sometimes she feels a little puritanical so we’ll see. I will update after

Fk I feel like I ended awk and didn’t get to say what I really wanted to fk me

something i wanna reflect on more later is about the time gail taught me how media criticism is important not just within the world that has been constructed, but also the choices that the writers make to put characters in certain situations

There were only 16 people today in class and it was pretty wild how much more comfortable I was speaking. Still awkward and weird and uncomfy but like it def changes my personality

lol but sizes that go "S" "M" "L" are gonna be a problem i think

guy who starts hrt so they can buy bralettes that fit

bruh like this. is so fucking cute https://www.ae.com/us/en/p/aerie/bralettes/bra-tops/aerie-holiday-best-lace-waffle-longline-bralette/2694_3408_584?menu=cat4840006

i wish kyouko had her hair colored darker to reflect it being brown. struggling to vibe gender w for p sure that exclusive reason

Feeling good about hair, especially when it brushes over shoulders

hm watching Sound! Euponium and thinking about the difference between queer baiting and queerplatonic representation. like i imagine the intention was queer bait-y but is it possible nonetheless to be interpreted otherwise? but what are the limits to that alternative interpretat

cooking is nice and relaxing thing to focus on, even if eating not so much lol, wish i learned earlier

nuking social media shit for a bit, ironic im tweeting about but i think this is different bc its more diary. i need a break and i dont feel good about much rn. gonna try and chill. (as much as i can w school)

incredible

not to mention like maybe you notice children rebelling when "given" freedom because every other fucking time in their life they're coerced to do things they don't want to do

really not feeling like interacting with anyone ever again. i really wonder what interaction and codetermination would look like before we constructed all these terrible things. getting post-x is good and youve thought it through, but there are still the tinges of it yk

the amount of passive aggressive and like framing of everyone else is giga fucking uncharitable its fucking awful

everyone is on their moral high ground saying they know whats best for the oppressed etc etc so fucking boring dude

my mental health is going downhill fast

THATS IT DUDE IVE READ ENOUGH. everyone has terrible opinion i hate it here i want out i take it back fuck it all im a monarchist now. every response is infurating lmfao i hate it so much but i cant close the chat this fucking sucks dude

STOP TWEETING, JUST REST CANT REST HOW WTF, I FEEL LIKE IM ON THE CLOCK TO REST AND RECOVER BEFORE I HAVE TO BE AT A PLACE FUCK THAT WANT DIE WANT BREAK LET ME OUT fuck school.

could be mutually egaged with. but with the org being set up like this it feels much more like "this is the *socialist* org and thats the focus" which like isnt *necessarily* the worst thing? idk maybe if there were more specific orgs for specific things it wouldnt be so bad

it def needs to be intersectional, but like the matter of emphasis yknow idk. this shit is boring me a lot now fuck

clearly matthew was trying but OH MY GOD IM SO DONE THINKING ABOUT THIS GAH IM BORED DUDE

this exercise was ok for the little meme interaction but its too fucking straining when theyre making assumptions about organizations and taking things as given that i just dont believe in. it fucking hurts to evaluate actions while constantly trying to imagine a different frame

racism bad, authority bad

ok so how ive changed my mind: for starters, regardless of substance, the rhetoric has been really bad. also, there is clearly demonstrated the issues with having "leadership" and "members". the hierarchy really makes things screwey and fucked

also i havent mentioned it until now but even if i disagree with them on some of it, raec12 took tons of effort to stand up like this for something you believe in and so i def respect that. i would (and have) just kinda sat back lol