And ig my thought process was like well my stuff would be of most use to her (computer, money, etc) and was also somewhat I tierlist of how important the relationships were to me (which is interesting to think about from RA POV, haven’t thought about yet hm)

And that perspective stayed even after we broke up, and thoughts about it even popped up more often. I guess it was a way of basically telling myself she was still the most important person in my life, even though she wasn’t in my life anymore. And also kind of this martyr thing

Like oh he’s dead but was so kind which is very funny lmao how weird. But anyway the revelation I had a bit ago was like oh I actually haven’t thought about this idea for a while, and no longer have the impulse to include her, and I thought that that was significant

Oh and that reminds me I never talked about that thing with my will I mentioned a bit ago. Basically while Gail and I were dating my perspective on my will was like ok gail can take whatever she wants, then isaiah, then parents

(Side note: weird to think about will in general, like passing on commodities, esp when I don’t have much sentimental stuff, which ig why so loose and disorganized)

Wtf was that night lmao. Hmmm in that way it was prob like super super performative like hey I’m really bothered by this and said snd heres an action to prove it

Anyway I think I’m bored talking about this, not really much else to say zz bye

It’s very funny looking back and ofc makes no sense but that’s kinda the whole thing so idk. Even then tho I feel like… hm idk. Sorta just very quickly moved on from that it was kinda zz not important. Never really did much reflection on it. I remember my story being something

Like just wanting to stop feeling, not wanting to die, but idk if that was just the lie I told doctors and parents lol. Weird part was coming to parents I’m very confused why I did that. Wait did I text gail and she tell parents? Hmm

I think that makes more sense, like I was def the type to pull something like that then just ride it out, but also was super open with Gail. Wait were we fighting too? I seem to remember that too now lol

I suppose one part of me feels like you could just say that, but I suppose that’s also a part of the challenge. And it doesn’t feel as “real”. Part of it is performing like hey this is serious, not just the blues

And ofc breaking it down like this is kinda super missing the point, esp when I’ve done reckless things related to this that are pretty nonsensical. Remember when I took like 15 Prozac (or maybe some other med?) and went to the ER? Lmao why

Intended for that person. Blaming/guilting/begging for forgiveness stuff like that just feels pointless idk. I could maybe imagine like “don’t blame yourself” but idk while true they prob would feel that way regardless, and my post won’t change their mind

Also if I’m making one of these, why not post on a timer? So like after it’s done? But then again I’m kinda missing the whole point of these right. Like it can be important to be like hey I need attention on this, I’m in pain and suffering and I need help.

Social in any way. Ofc that’s a bit reductive, but my impulses have always been very individual. That being said tho I haven’t really had social interactions leading me to feel this way and have always been supported by pretty much everyone in my life

Like making one of those has never crossed my mind when thinking like that. If I did make one it would be very personal and I’d maybe keep it somewhere that could be found later but never like sent to anyone or made public.

I’m struggling to imagine what I would even put in it. Justification? I wouldn’t feel the need to explain or justify myself. A message to someone? Why? I could imagine in a document for myself writing like a POV to another to help me process, but not like a message actually

But also interesting how other parts were very disorganized, misspelled, or extra punctuation that seemed unintentional. Given the aesthetic frame it was put in, this sort of contributed to that. Like it was desperate and painful and that added to its beauty

And idk that form of expression is just so alien to me, it was kind of fascinating to see pain presented in that way.

I don’t know how to put what I want to say. Ig I’ve always felt a bit odd about suicide manifestos, like not really sure what do. If it’s self reflection and for you I totally get that but then why post/share? Ig suicide has always felt like a very individual choice, and not very

Saw someone’s suicide manifesto on the TL, have some thoughts I wanna unpack. (Yeah maybe a little weird to make someone else’s experience about *me*, but idc not like anyone will really see this)

First I guess I’m stricken by how different it is from my experience. This person was (and is I guess, sorry they’re still around) very artistically minded, and it came out in their writing and style, down to the formatting of document and word choice

this is what i want my body to look like

too bad!

im writing a philosophy paper and i always get caught up in studying and understanding a perspective and in the process im just constantly like "ok is this coherent" without regard for whether its true or not and then when i go to critique it im like "but i cant!! its coherent!"

u know that your ribs can be uneven if you have no core muscles? wack

I really need to learn to moderate my mental illness lol - just a little anorexia as a treat. I always go too hard fast

Counting calories works but consumes so much attention and upkeep. I guess better than not having any energy and being overall less stable and effective

Logically I know true but feels fucking trash to eat

Forgot foggy classes and just being totally checked out - not just like oh I’m not interested but like I physically couldn’t focus if I wanted to. My body feels exhaustion

today is gender euphoria day :)

feeling confident and pretty, took plenty of pics, got to wear cute new pink sweatshirt! so happy lol

Ridiculous but idc!!! Feeling good! :)

Pressures performance, more that it’s self policing) but yeah was really nice to transition from that mode with him. Still don’t fully understand how that transition happens, I think there’s a moment where enough chemistry happens in convo (not chemistry exclusive to “romantic”

relations to be clear) where genuine bits slip out and goes from there. Also moments with some effort as well, like just saying fuck it and sending something more out of comfort zone. Also helps when interlocutor is also perceived as being genuine and open as well, talking about

How they feel or personal things. Usually I’m not good at probing and stuff but idk I was motivated ig bc I enjoy talking w Ryno, and also realized (from what I could tell) is fine with talking too but is just awkward lol

I think it was an important confidence boost, and I’m even feeling better going out today and being more comfortable acting fem (not femme bc that is problematic!) that little social reinforcement is really important, humans are odd and cute

Also had really good and long convo with Ryno too :) I really like him

Also I’m making this my banner lmao it’s so good

It was really nice esp after that thread I made the other day talking about “authenticity”. Ryno is still p awk lol but I was able to express myself in a way I was comfortable with, without feeling like I was pressured into a performance (not that anyone ever really explicitly

Yesterday I tried to explain school abolition in DSA lol idk if I did a very good job. I get so nervous and flustered in groups too big, but there were only like 10 people. Really need to work on eye contact with people

Someone at my DSA meeting cited Lenin and kropotkin back to back

Are there allosexuals that chase asexuals? I can imagine but the motivation would have to be so interesting

“I get enough sex from the rest of my polycule, I just need someone to go to the farmers market with :3”

Someone that feels sexual attraction but doesn’t enjoy sex itself? Ig depends on how idiosyncratic you wanna be about defining things

Guy who just wants to test their self control

def hitting the depression and lethargy stage of not eating well, so annoying

forgot this weird feel where tummy is so empty you feel like youre gonna vomit. but also bazaar that i dont feel hungry at all lol, body has just given up on cues ig

Cat is the only person I see post good takes on insta, mostly organizing (thats real not performative) but also stuff like this

And yeah I mean it’s a bit hard to take seriously in insta format but fk it dude it’s getting there :)