also idk definition of dissociating exactly but i felt very alienated from my body in class this morning, like looking at my hand and feeling like it was outside me and the sensations like abstracted away from me. ig doesnt help that i read that one anti-civ poetry thing

the other day that was like breaking things down individual parts and sensations. idk how explain and dont have energy

days like these are when i really miss having in-person physically intimate relationships :( very comforting to me

Saw someone unironically appeal to leviathan as justification for the state lmao there’s just no way yikes forever

Numb day, oddly enjoyable, everything muted

It’s actually depressing how much of modern feminism is retributive and carceral.

im so fucking tired i think im gonna skip class. no sleep, no food, exercised in the rain 2nd day in a row, intellectually burned out from grinding weekend and trying to also keep up personal interests :(

holy fuck i forgot how frustrating and uncomfortable makeup makes me lmfao. every time i try its like FUCK NO OH GOD THEY DID THAT??/ HOW DOES THAT WORK??? HOW CAN YOUR EYES JUST BE OKAY WITH THAT

fuck its so pretty but its so so scary lol

every time im like this will be cool and fun! and then 45 mins later i feel like im gonna throw up and put it away again so sad

also i should prob look more into dysphoria stuff? idk if thered be any use tho bc i dont think id want to do hrt despite thinking about it plenty, for one thing i dont want booba (at least permanently lol, see recent tweets) but yeah idk i think im mostly ok with my body

or at least i dont think hrt would help me be more ok with my body. I could have social gender dysphoria and not physical? (even tho i sometimes do feel physical ig) but i have a feeling that it ultimately all leads back to social and how im perceived

so idk whatever maybe not worth it to think about, i think ultimately its just one of those things ill have to live in discomfort about and exist in this uncomfortable space with no grounding bc i dont think it exists

which i hope doesn't lead to me to eventually just be like fuck it im cis its easier that way to try and avoid it bc i think its an important disposition to have and i think my experiences are important idk thats it

so its possible theyre conflating or im conflating the critiques but i think theres a distinction to be made. also to be clear I could probably search for the exact right xenogender stuff for me bc i dont see any point and am quite disillusioned about personal authenticity

but i think thats pretty rare for most people and is an undue burden for most ppl trying to figure out their shit in a gendered world. not to mention that also contributes to my personal and ashamed nature about the topic, bc i dont use labels and dont even like pronouns,

my experience is entirely alien to people and i have no way of simply communicating how i feel. so i can absolutely sympathize with people being like hey this is a way i can conceptualize myself in a world where thats basically required to communicate and exist

like ultimately im super charitable to gender abolition but like bruh if you only invoke that type of thinking when xenogender / nbs are speaking up then?? lmao wtf. if you genuinely are upset by that, then you should be just as mad (if not more!) at cis people practicing their

gender. I get that you might be concerned with the praxis of xenogender stuff but idk

also i think this is hard bc theyre kinda talking about public people doing this and my personal experience i actually feel pretty ashamed of my gender stuff and it feels intensely personal and embarrassing and vulnerable so i dont have that impulse at all

oh to be clear i think the critique of the therapeutic society and stuff is totally spot on and that its not like materially politically relevant, and also that endlessly differentiating the self in order to find "authenticity" is a lost cause, there are just a few points

where I think theres a little bit of ignorance and inexperience with ppl like me (not cis ig but not strongly associating with a label, potentially experiencing gender dysphoria?? [lmao i didnt realize some of the stuff ive been describing has counted as dysphoria, idk what to do

with that whoops]) and a bit too much hostility towards people that are figuring out how to survive in a gendered society and a bit too much charity to those criticizing them despite the public ramifications

ok this is really interesting convo, i think i actually ultimately disagree but very interesting to entertain ideas, i think ill download the vod and upload https://clips.twitch.tv/BitterRudeJalapenoSeemsGood-aVL7xlbDxOHrm7S4

Also lightheaded arc of eating :/ zzz

Did you know you can get acne from washing your face too much? That’s fucked

Collection of things from Twitter this morn

“Moral ambiguity creates problems for liberalism because it is fundamentally based around rights with moral surety”

And think that things get lost when categorical rules are made. HOW INTERESTING!!!! I should really read more contemporary virtue ethics I wonder if there’s a good feminist tradition for it, seriously interesting and ofc I don’t know if I’m convinced but sososososo interesting

Also I should mention she cited empirical research on how hypotheticals can actually fuck your mind up and I think that’s a really good point!! I’d love to look more into god so cool

Also I think there’s a strong compatibility with this view on hypotheticals and the anarchist critique of participating in the state and other organizations, that by merely participating you are changing yourself and that it’s harmful

“You’re creating a binary that doesn’t exist in the real world, when in fact the problem is that this choice exists at all! That’s the moral wrong. There is a third option of systemic change and that’s what should be pursued”

Aristotle, Anscombe, Annas, Foot, Hurtsthouse

Yo holy shit I need to watch more TheSillySerious/BlondePhilosophy she’s so interesting. Unfortunately she’s only really on twitch but it’s worth it. Really good and interesting takes on consent and sex, but what I’m watching rn is her talking about her virtue ethics and

ITS FASCINATING like oh my god how interesting! She’s being pinned down by utilitarian bro but rejecting the use of hypotheticals (highly qualified and complicated perspective but broadly) and her justifications are that she works with particulars and not universals

absolute queerplatonic banger https://youtu.be/27yq-rjESx4

American libertarians have such a bazaar mish mash of contradictory beliefs wtf

1/4 based, 1/2 horrible, 1/4 Jesse what the fuck are you talking about

I haven’t really thought or written much about her for a bit, though I do have some feelings. A bit nervous and apprehensive about January, I don’t know what that will be like. No idea what I really want, as I feel fine without her but also she’s super cool so idk, “friends” nice

Obv will have to be mediated between us, but might be helpful if I have an idea going in. Honestly tho I feel really flexible, like I could never talk to her again or be “platonic” or have a sexual or “romantic” relationship either way

Knowing her tho i predict either a) agree to be friendly, never talk b) agree to be friendly, talk Option a would be weird I think lol but ultimately whatever works.

I guess I don’t have much else to say. Will be interesting to see how she thinks I’ve changed and vice versa

Reminds me of recent convo talk brought up by parents about grandparents giving their house to Angel and how that wasn’t “fair” and I’m just like lol idc she needs it more and everyone was pretty surprised. Idk ig my brain is very poisoned with distributional qs like that

Like if the government were to 100% estate tax my shit and redistribute it lol based, so I guess doing that personally just makes sense to me as well

Ok well fine even if I’m resulting at similar conclusion to before I feel I understand things lots better, and I do think it’s significant shift from post-breakup which I think was a lot more emotionally influenced and like wanting to be seen positively by her in a weird hero way

My perspective as long as I could remember was “I’m dead idc” and then moved to that loose format and now I don’t know lol. Like reflecting that plan was so bad esp now what I understand about the tyranny of structurelessness, but my intent was probably just sorta distribution

According to need, and thought that the prioritization would guard that, but if I was gonna do that I needed to be more specific to prevent the power dynamics at play.

Like even thinking about it now I might actually go back on latest opinion, fuck it gail can have shit lmao isaiah and my parents are fine and it would be more useful.

I guess I interpreted that as like I’ve moved on enough to where that was no longer something I was considering. But now that I’m actually writing this I think it might have more to do with my dispositional shifts towards commodities and relationships lol

Actually really interesting, I don’t know what to write now lol