Next thing was sex. She went through a lot of questioning around the end of our relationship around sex, and I’m not sure how much of that might have been to 1) previous negative emotions about sex from early relationship contexts 2) feeling not as close in our relationship

3) maybe somewhere on asexual spectrum. Either way, talking through that and being exposed changed my understanding of relationships in practice, and allowed me to decouple sex from romance. This combined with un-deified “love” leading me to question the solid grounding of

“Romance” (+personal aro questioning [causality undetermined]) laid the groundwork for RA disposition. During breakup, I proposed (knowing full well she wouldn’t accept) that I’d be fine if she dated other people, or had different people to take her on walks for example, and that

Wanted to see her when I could focus on her, and she could focus on me. Other stuff was needlessly stressful, and my intense anxiety def didn’t help

Side note: pretty wild how much my anxiety has shifted relatively recently, I wonder how much is due to pandemic vs breakup. Intuition feels like post breakup was super important. Anyway back to it

So that separation of time def created a whole new vibe to the relationship, and I don’t think she really liked it that much. But it exposed me to new ways of having a relationship with someone, even if that ended up being dysfunctional for us 2 specifically.

Were young and far away missing vibes).

And something I just thought of that was more the most recent era of like college stuff and end of relationship stuff: Parties Sex Breakup itself and dealbreakers

First thing is like I was never really interested in partying/drinking stuff. I would chill w Meg and her while they drank sometimes, but that was mostly a proximity thing and it was very low key

In college, I was totally uninterested in going to parties and also seeing her friends at all. It was just p overwhelming and unnecessary for me. But it also meant that it created this pretty big divide between us and how our time was spent. I was totally cool with this, and just

Next thing was learning about jealousy. I don’t know what my disposition was like about jealousy prior to Gail, but she had lots of guy friends and I think that was really cool for me (working on heteronormative assumptions) to fix a lot of biases most ppl deal with

I still remember having certain issues with her guy friends but often I think that had to deal with their behavior, which was often coming onto her when she was not interested. There’s always a risk of me understating jealous motivations, but it honestly feels like a lot of it

Was discomfort for her discomfort and not wanting her to have to deal with stuff. Either way I think I quickly got over any jealousy type memes towards men, and subsequently towards relationships in general

There was a case when she went to Europe, but it was similarly a case of a guy coming onto her that she was uncomfy w, and I think I was more frustrated that she wasn’t transparent (but tbf she said she was struggling with making sense of his advances and how to handle and we

Next things are things I learned from/with gail, and were brought up today when talking w parents

1st was my broad use of love. She would tell friends all the time she loved them, including me, and it always felt really nice and warm. Removing that word from a pedastal was super important to me, and continues to be super powerful conception for me to make sense of things

Especially considering the weird shit w Sydney and “I don’t L O V E you I just L O V you” LOL dank memes

And time for the fault of no one, and it’s nice to have a space that feels like relaxing and safe. Gail was always p sketch on the idea but I always had it in mind when thinking about future cohabitation

That is to say I found variable living situations appealing, and that just because there are norms around relationships doesn’t mean you must conform.

For RA, in high school I def struggled with understanding romance as a distinct thing, and also struggled with monogamy as it felt too constraining.

I have more to say but I have to get ready now, maybe finish later

Will elaborate later maybe

Ok so for beds, I think I was exposed to this idea early, maybe middle school or high school, and I just loved it. Just bc you live w a “romantic” “partner” doesn’t mean you have to share a bed/room always, or that not sharing means uoure fighting. Sometimes you just need space

Also I had some sugar today and holy shit my heart went wild. Body def isn’t used to lol

But yeah decided to do it so we could talk about getting “girls clothes” so idk we’ll see where that goes

Overall confused but supportive enough, live and let live “I don’t want to see you hurt” cringe lib shit but it’s fine

Had long talk about RA

Mom particularly mortified about me dating a man !! Spooky

Jokes on you mom I’m not “dating” anyone :P

Too much, so tired

Also came out to parents kinda as agender and pan and relationship anarchist

Nothing really new, talked about ideas in the past, but they again acted kinda shocked and confused

Soooooo tired after spending time with family. I go at 100% and then sudden boom I’m down to nothing and just die

Also the Barbie stuff was important to me too. Idk it’s interesting tho how I feel like that stuff stopped being a focus for a long while, and there was probably a great deal of social correction by parents or others and I just kinda went w it, def was not supported to explore

Oh and just to note none of this is like “see! I was x all along!” More like just thinking about influences and how precious dispositions and experiences impacted present

I’m thinking about things in my life that hinted at normative positions I hold now (relationship anarchy, anarchic in general, queer gender identity, vegan). Some of them have really nothing at all that I can remember (vegan) but others do.

Like I think in 3rd grade I actually played around with gender a lot lol. Had lots of girl friends and had longer hair, liked being misgendered(I specifically remember a time at McDonalds when I was offered a girl toy and later when the principal gendered me wrong on a fieldtrip)

Lol it’s funny how I now go on walks just because

It’s really nice at night and on the path alone

Ig I specifically think it’s funny bc it was one of the examples gail used when breaking up with me and I’m just imagining how she would react if I said something like “I’m going out for a walk, wanna come?”

And while I still do think that “getting over” is cringe, I still think some type of “moving on” might be good, at least narrowly interpreted. Like it sometimes is frustrating to constantly reference her when I think, but idk I think it’s sorta necessary when self reflecting just

Because of my particular history. Like when I look back and compare myself, Gail will almost inevitably be an important part of that reflection even if I’m just considering myself

I think that will change with more distance and experience, as I’ll have more past to reflect on that doesn’t involve her.

Reading Ideology and Utopia and I’ve just barley started but this guy is just saying banger after banger like literally I’m highlighting every paragraph wtf

like peep this shit!!!!

Feeling very tired out. Glad it’s weekend. Don’t know what I’ll do tho. No energy to read or game or social. Maybe anime/manga? Don’t feel like I can fully enjoy either. Just wanna lay down

and dont even get me started on the children part. bruh wtf. they just appeal to the same bullshit "lawl dud well if sex is wrong because they dont consent then we cant force them to eat broccoli or go to school! how ridiculous of a conclusion! like wait wtf lol you were so close

im def not saying consent is perfect or a good tool to use, but your examples do not illustrate that properly wtf

idk uggggghhh

like one of the examples is like "well then we couldnt take holiday pictures of children if they don't agree to it!" and its like yeah bitch dont do that shit, respect the choice whats wrong with you