As an immediate repository for my reflections, and was able to receive feedback and support. I could obviously receive that now from other sources, but my current support group I don’t feel very comfortable with that, nor do I think I’d get much out of it.

So for the time being I’ll be learning how to handle that on my own. And I’ll have to get used to the fact that maybe I don’t have much to say for a bit, and that can be fine. However, I think it’s important I don’t let myself fall into emotional repression or numbness,

as I’m aware my hobbies of staying alone inside with videos and games tends to do to people. I’ll continue keeping a close eye on my mental health, and allow myself to grow, but not push myself needlessly out of my comfort zone.

Lately I’ve been exploring music more as an aesthetic pursuit, and I’m excited for the semester end to continue that more deeply.

The last few days I’ve had feelings that led me believe I had feelings to process about Gail again, but every time I tried I wouldn’t have anything to say. And I think now I’m realizing that I was just feeling sort of emotionally vulnerable and reflective, and those emotions

had become associated with Gail recently due to the breakup, but can also just exist on their own too. It’s been easy to just default to “oh I’m feeling emotional? Must be about gail; let’s process”

But now that nothing is happening on that front, I’ll have to turn to other sources or lenses to process. That’s obviously more healthy and realistic long term, but is a difficult transition. And for multiple years while I was with Gail I would have our relationship

I lack resources to turn to when I just want to talk about things, it’s boring. I feel like when I have an interest I want to discuss it’s split among a bunch of different people, which is just kinda not ideal. Like hearing different perspectives is fine, I don’t have an issue

With multiple relationships. The trouble is when I feel like my interests are segmented. It was nice being able to just dump whatever I was curious or thinking about at the time into one person, or at least feel comfortable enough to do so.

To be honest I’m not sure if that’s really the issue, but it’s the first thing that came to mind. I’m not even sure if that’s healthy to desire, and could potentially be super draining and unfair to the person receiving. I do miss the critical feedback though.

I am very unsure of the future. Job shit sucks, and I often hate the idea. Dreadful, frustrating, annoying, depressing. I don’t have much else to say for now.

I feel as if I should take some time to think and reflect on things, but I’m not sure I have much to say for now. I’ve settled on an eating plan with much more structure and that has been going really well. I don’t really think at all about Gail anymore. I’m bored sometimes.

I feel like I’m lacking in recovery hobbies now. Before I could just hang out with Gail and that was comfortable, safe, and chill. But now I just have games, videos, and that stuff demands a sort of brain activity even if it’s not very much.

posting this here bc idk if i have the courage for politics main

One thing that worries me about anarchist ideals is their path to implementation, and the lack of regard for consequences among anarchists in general. For instance, while I find anarchist ideas about learning compelling, I worry that the hypothetical process to implementation

would merely embolden the wrong kinds of people and actively be more oppressive. Assuming anarchists would even involve themselves in electoralism, they would favor policies that would deregulate schooling, especially on the federal level. Unfortunately the largest group helped

by this would be reactionary republicans raising children with christian education, previously constrained by regulation. While anarchist projects could be pursued, the vast majority of people impacted would merely be fed religious dogma and reactionary politics.

pretty sure i'll never find any job/career/work fulfilling and thats really fucking annoying considering the amount of my life I'll have to dedicate to it just to keep surviving.

I actually can't comprehend how people will work more than the essentials just to do shit like vacation or kids or some shit. like i understand you like that stuff but how is the opportunity cost worth that shit what the fuck.

not like most people really have much of a choice w/ 40 hour week (what the fuck.) but still just retire earlier or something.

bummed :/ numb :/ emotions suppressed :/ food is wack :/

last 3 days have been miserable - calories having candy around sucks :( fucks with my shit so hard, no nutrients, all the cals

It’s a time sink and feels ridiculous to work for scraps now even though after my degree I’ll likely be earning far more. I don’t buy the shit about it improving me as a person, it’s just teaching me to be a lapdog for authority.

It would be good for me socially, like forcing me outside, but I could do that in a number of ways that don’t involve me being a wage slave.

I have submitted a number of applications and stuff, but it just sucks idk. It’s embarrassing and humiliating and dehumanizing to sell myself like that. I really dislike that shit.

That being said, it sucks that my mom has to tutor for extra money for me. They’re well off and capable it’s just like really shit. I hate that this is what I have to look forward to in life.

I have a lot more feelings about this but nothing more to say rn ig.

I don’t know what to do about work. Not like long term, although that is undoubtably a challenge too. My mom wants me to get a job and help pay for my apartment. I really enjoy having large amounts of free time, and I also enjoy feeling competent in classes.

Working is daunting, and gross, and very uncomfortable. Clearly this is coming from a place a privilege where working is an option, but my preference would be for everyone to have that freedom. In my eyes I’m being spared an injustice that most people have to face.

At its best I felt understood and cared for. At its worst it was a nuisance and induced self consciousness (in the bad way). I’m trying to be fair and balanced in my description not to be rosy retrospection. I may be overly equivocating, obv the benefits were better,

Otherwise I wouldn’t have stuck around. And I think it’s reasonable to miss the nice parts without necessarily missing everything or even wanting it back.

Even though I was aware of it while in the relationship, the extent to which I relied on Gail for a lot of various things hits hard when it’s gone. Despite sometimes being annoying, it was nice to be able to talk someone about my day, even if nothing really happened.

It definitely had its drawbacks, like me questioning my every move at times and monitoring my behavior because I knew I would have to justify it. That sucked. But talking through even mild challenges was nice to decompress and feel supported and like someone was interest.

Here I quickly progressed through multiple stages of relapse, and now I am coming back around to normal(ish) (fingers crossed). Being forced to problem solve by myself is certainly interesting, and I definitely solve things more quickly on my own.

The attention and support and care is nice, but being forced to figure shit out on my own is certainly effective, at least for smaller stuff like this I suppose.

also idk why but im a little over the heavy restricting. i am glad about where my weight is at rn, though id like it to be a little lower (straddling the line between underweight and normal would be 🤤). The 1500 was too little I think tho. As I mentioned before I was having

lots of side effects and I couldn't focus. So I changed my app to be losing 1/2 lb per week rather than 1 lb, but I think my metabolism is hosed anyway. Its been through a lot so I feel like it just adapts really quickly now to changes in how much food. I think just the tracking

itself is useful and nice though, so I'll keep doing that. And weighing myself every week I'll continue as well. I think I'll be able to remain feeling in control without killing myself, which seems like a fair balance.

internal conflict like this is weird without the audience. Maybe I've just matured but I wouldn't give myself that much credit. I think I enjoyed the attention or at least other people perceiving me as having some sort of issue, regardless of what that was like.

else's profit. It's not fair of me to take advantage of someone else merely because the surrounding systems suck. Or maybe it is, idk, ethics is hard. Regardless I know it wouldn't work for her, so it won't work at all.

I hope I can figure out something soon. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do.

making personal sacrifices for her is the easiest thing to do. sure, I won't enjoy it as much as her and maybe not as much as she'd like me to, but I won't be miserable.

And now I suppose I have to think about this from her perspective. Would she be interested in a relationship like that? I mean she would definitely want me to have a job, but would probably be pretty flexible with me, and I could make it up by doing the bills and housework

Going on trips and adventures and things would be frustrating probably, and because I sort of lack the genuine interest that would lose the magic that she feels in them. I could force myself, and I could act like whatever, but that shines through and isn't sustainable.

I don't know, maybe it would be possible, but I think she would remain unfulfilled. And I think I would probably be unfulfilled as well. Instead of selling out, I would be profiting off of a synthetic relationship out of fear of life.

She is protective and safe and I have a bad habit of really playing it safe in life. But I also have a bad habit of not taking on the responsibilities that the current paradigm offers. Even if it's shit and cruel and oppressive, at some point I will have to sell out for someone

I fear that I will either be miserable with my work or find nothing sufficient and end up barely scraping by with shitty jobs or something. The fear is very intense and thinking about it makes me want the security back. I would trade a lot to have that security back in my life.

My initial emotions when thinking about this was to say fuck it and do whatever things Gail wanted from me to stay. Who cares at that point, if the alternative is between being miserable for the rest of my life and being financially insecure. Its not like the tradeoff is that bad

I would just have to do things with her that she was interested and passionate about, and remember to get her cute gifts and to communicate often. Honestly that stuff is totally acceptable and enjoyable. I think the only reason why I was struggling to do that in our relationship

was that the alternative was just taking time for myself and having that personal freedom and time to think and explore myself. That's my favorite activity in the world, so I'll obviously choose that. But if the alternative is selling out my values and long term stability,