fwiw i have the same recollection of explicitly setting it to ‘oldest first’ and it’s now set to hot as well, tho same as you i could be misremembering :)
also it’s kinda just not apt here i feel. it kinda implies that it’s over now, but most ppl at least semi-frequently have to deal with lingering things or relapses
nah it’s fine i’m being counterintuitive. i imagine for most, anxiety is a frustrating hindrance; ig for me it’s a way to protect me from a well-adjusted version of myself. i want to be completely useless and quiet, and im now preventing myself from that
the problem is not so much the direct embarrassment but the abstract humiliation of degenerating into the type of person that would interact with others in such a way, or at all. i don’t like who i’ve become
my anxiety was a lovely thing at keeping me from developing these desires in the first place, and now that it has subsided i am an empty, unintelligent disappointment.
as a second order matter, i don’t want to want to interact with others. i want to want to sit in my room and observe and create on my own terms, without the embarrassment that the person piloting my body subjects me to. maybe ill ready for humans later, but its mismatched for now.
i cried on my first day of work when i had to press send on a boilerplate email to 5 people
and now i just send off nonsense in group chats and in replies and dms
what a terrible regression
(tho outlook i keep in a scheduled summary so i don’t ever really see them, it’s just useful for previews) still fucked up how much shit is for work tho