Ok I’ve gotta type some stuff out bc I’m kinda confused and I can’t sleep. So yesterday and today I’ve been playing on FemBoyMaths’ minecraft server they just started, and there’s a lot of weird social things about myself I’ve noticed n stuff because of it, idk how to make sense

genuinely the most gender affirming interaction ive had 🥰

went for a walk/run today :) i cant run very long but i went on and off. very hot

Continuing to grapple with allowing myself to feel things and moving on. I don’t want to dwell too much maybe? But I definitely don’t want to suppress. I honestly think a huge part of me lacking that “”closure”” is not having someone I consider a true peer to talk to.

I have a serious anxiety problem lol. I don’t know what to do about that. I feel like it’s not even about learning intelligent ways to approach and think about things more clearly, it’s just an instant emotional reaction. Feels out of control and can mess me up for a bit :/

I spent a bunch of time today looking at Filipino stuff and idk how really to feel about it. Maybe its just guilt from not caring earlier or something. It does a little bit worry me how much I'm still affected by her, like worried I'm not getting over things. But if I take a

god i wish i could talk with gail about this https://x.com/POCculture/status/1400905443111673857

Lol holy shit I gained 15 pounds in less 45 days (160 now) what the fuck

I can't handle talking and being seen and shit right now I just want to chill out and listen i fucking hate this shit fuck fuck man

holy fuck my anxiety is so so so fucking bad rn holy shit i hate this shit fuck me fuck this fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Not sure why but today has kinda been really rough for me emotionally. Woke up very tired, internet went out, lots of emotions while trying to help dad navigate something for his workers, called internet, accidentally called gail in the process (fuck), groceries,lots of homework,

also i accidentally called gails number today. i hung immediately but idk if she still got a notification. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I think I definitely engaged in a lot of selfish passivity while dating Gail. And while in many cases it may have been acceptable or not necessarily wrong, I don't think I ever communicated what I was doing or thinking properly.

fuck man, i just learned that i was like fundamentally misinformed about the pacific islands and the groups that make it up, and also that i had like no knowledge whatsoever basically. thats actually really shitty.

Oh my god lol, I hadn’t been masturbating too much for a while, and recently felt more often in the mood. Apparently there’s a link between vitamin d levels and testosterone?? If that’s causal thats very funny timing with me starting supplements, otherwise just coincidence.

THIS CLASS SO FCKING COOL! I maybe talk too much o.o

Oh yeah tomorrow I start my 2nd summer course, we’ll see how overwhelmed I get. GL we’ll see

went for a walk today, not entirely sure why, just felt like it. enjoyed it. I think a big part of me "growing up" is me coming to learn that I can enjoy things I thought I couldn't/didn't, and that most of my dislike came from me doing things on other people's terms.

looked at pics of her again, ouchie

hair cut :( i liked length in front

I’ve thought about this for a bit and I think I’ve decided that I won’t be contacting Gail first, even after the break time we’ve set is up. This space is a lot more for her than me, and I need to respect that. It would be selfish for me to message her out of me

I've known this for a while but I don't think I've written it down or distinctly thought about it, but I think I just hate the idea of interacting with the world. I don't know how to really put this in words.

Also apparently Gail got nervous and uncomfortable and backed out of talking with my mom. I hope she’s doing alright. I suppose it hadn’t crossed my mind much, I don’t feel like I really offered much. And I don’t think I even mean that in a self detrimental way idk

Very inconsistent feeling right now. Manic focus, followed by binging and lethargy, this all fucking sucks

:(

John Dewey

numb

I’ve had an interesting last two days. I submitted my project on Thursday morning, and my plan previously was to begin studying for my exams in a few days. I’m not entirely sure what happened but I kinda just shut down. Thursday was bizarre and completely unproductive.

The last few days I’ve had feelings that led me believe I had feelings to process about Gail again, but every time I tried I wouldn’t have anything to say. And I think now I’m realizing that I was just feeling sort of emotionally vulnerable and reflective, and those emotions

I feel as if I should take some time to think and reflect on things, but I’m not sure I have much to say for now. I’ve settled on an eating plan with much more structure and that has been going really well. I don’t really think at all about Gail anymore. I’m bored sometimes.

posting this here bc idk if i have the courage for politics main

pretty sure i'll never find any job/career/work fulfilling and thats really fucking annoying considering the amount of my life I'll have to dedicate to it just to keep surviving.

bummed :/ numb :/ emotions suppressed :/ food is wack :/

last 3 days have been miserable - calories having candy around sucks :( fucks with my shit so hard, no nutrients, all the cals

I don’t know what to do about work. Not like long term, although that is undoubtably a challenge too. My mom wants me to get a job and help pay for my apartment. I really enjoy having large amounts of free time, and I also enjoy feeling competent in classes.

Even though I was aware of it while in the relationship, the extent to which I relied on Gail for a lot of various things hits hard when it’s gone. Despite sometimes being annoying, it was nice to be able to talk someone about my day, even if nothing really happened.

also idk why but im a little over the heavy restricting. i am glad about where my weight is at rn, though id like it to be a little lower (straddling the line between underweight and normal would be 🤤). The 1500 was too little I think tho. As I mentioned before I was having

Fuck. thinking about long term stuff makes me like incredibly nervous for the future. I am really struggling to find something that would fit my values, if I could even fully nail them down. The main thing tho is that i feel no security.

I miss having Gail's perspective on things. I feel really isolated now when I'm unsure about the world. I can turn to my parents, but they have mislead me before and have too limited of a perspective. Someone my age with the relevant understanding of what is required and normal

“My brain may not be working properly and I have no energy or focus and I’m dizzy all the time but soon I will be happy with how I look,” he lied.

:/ i miss being able to talk to Gail about health issues. It's frustrating when I have questions and have no idea where to go. Not like just I'm curious about the actual issue, but it was nice to listen to a friend explain something with intelligence.

I’m struggling a lot with food again. Now I kinda know more though so I’m doing it in a weird and probably more effective way. Previously I basically got all of the bad parts and none of the good of being anorexic. My BMI was on the low end of normal but my eating patterns were

Continued. But yeah basically all I did today was consume media. Normally I watch a lot of YouTube but today that’s All I did. No video games, not just in between homework, but that’s it. x2 a movie and x3 a ton of vids just consuming.

I think reflecting on the last few days will be good for me and have made me think a lot. So the first thing is that school work motivation has been very lacking, much more severely than before. The cause is a little confusing though. I think it might have something to do with

I miss cuddles and sleepover and texting her without anything to say, just wanting to talk bc it made me feel better. Frustrating lack of that rn.

Scrolled through Instagram messages she sent me, and... idk. Kinda forgot how well she knew me. And she would also send like political stuff or even philosophy stuff related to me, and I don’t think I ever really engaged. I guess that’s a good metaphor for the relationship.

Not exactly sure why but I’m missing her lots rn. It’s been about a month and kinda just now am I like, yeah I’d like for her to come over, just to hang out. Tbh tho I might just be bored. School feels really dull and forced. Don’t feel very motivated or interested.

I just saw another tweet that made me want to reflect some more. It said "no does not mean "convince me"". Obv thats true, and it took me an embarrasingly long time to realize that. I mean I def was not to the level of like maliciously doing whatever blah but im not interested in

Cleo posted some stuff about Sinatraa today about how she was in an abusive relationship. Reading through it and seeing all of the evidence was really harsh, and she's very clearly telling the truth about a horrible relationship. I hope that isn't how she felt about things.

I do like this ring tho - weird how I have to think through things to enjoy them, like aesthetics or gender or ethics