this experiment has been disastrously successful. i’m uncomfortable and suspicious with how well its worked out. i fear it would not have been possible without my recent normification. what a distasteful misfortune.

tfw you still have an anxiety disorder you’ve just gotten better at masking, coping, and avoiding that you forget sometimes (until it becomes unavoidably obvious once more)

i’m depressed and tired and on edge. i want to not be here.

i am miserable

goodbye me, i’ll miss you this week

comfort is the death of excellence - the reader of a book already read is decadent and stagnant

the overwhelming cult of conformity is revolting and suffocating

nearly all of my communication is severely narcissistic, selfish, and extractive in nature

my interactions with my family are incredibly odd because i have an inordinate amount of power and influence. they’re desperate to have me around and no longer have any power to coerce me to do so.

current mood:

another day another youtube ban

the lassalle fan club stays winning

current language comfortability tierlist: lua (the mf goat) javascript (annoying but familiar) mumps (lmao, yeah i know) python (been a while) bash (infrequent scripting) c (very limited experience) what a bizarre mish mash, and im not good at a single one (but im having fun!!!!!)

i don’t trust girl streamers that have their hair in front of the headphone band - yes darling ur gorgeous but i refuse to believe ur comfy :(

i’m too tall for my shower ._.

i have turned evil and started learning JS and bruh who named half this shit or decided the syntax? it's unbearable. pop?? shift?? ugly and inconvenient colons and semicolons for no reason. even if i didn't know the war crimes JS has committed against the denizens of the wired i would hate it.

turns out you crash really hard running on no sleep and caffeine

so based

the ideas in question: local function get_msg_table(user,channel) local time, date = get_time_date() local msg = get_msg() return {time,date,user.unsme,user.uid,channel.id,channel.name,msg} end local function save_msg(user,channel) local t = get_msg_table local file = io.open(“users/“..uid..”.lua”)

slept for 3 hours, too many ideas to go back to sleep

changing my ios keyboard to not use caps last week was like the greatest increase in comff, can’t believe it took me 8+ years

even if some of Heaven Knows feels like a return to form for pinkpantheress, even at its best it feels so much more hollow than to hell with it

i was already in bed but i had too many ideas so i stayed up for a few hours writing them out

how can i be expected to sleep when instead i could be creating a local cli chat program that uses txt files as its database

the zoophilia article is honestly just boring, banal, incoherent, analytic nonsense (intuition? rights? hedonic utilitarianism? autonomy? consent-bloating? all of the above!), but it’s obviously correct with the individual battles it takes within the respective domains

i don’t understand Deck users at all, but i’m so glad Valve is still pushing them for the sake of linux

vim is hard and i am noob, i shouldve just forced myself to learn this when i had more time

it’s really annoying how oriented around jobs the programming community is. like i just love the craft and wanna improve and all people talk about is jobsjobsjobsjobjobs

dawg no shot they put a 'for you' section on channel pages jfc. it's trivial to block but still absurd to have an ever-burgeoning proportion of all websites be algorithmic recommendation. i don't want your brain worms!!!!

I like all the little vocal and verbal habits I’ve picked up from people over the years, a cute reminder when I talk of how intimately and irrevocably they’ve touched my life even if we no longer interact

1. go to group meeting to get help with issue i’m having 2. spend whole time dwelling on how or when to say something 3. leave the hour long meeting without saying a single word i couldn’t even focus on fixing stuff myself bc i was so anxious

rainy driving + watering daycore

i would be a significantly different person if it weren't for the guy i worked with in high school that exposed me to heavy metal, overwatch, and a deeply cynical worldview

despite being a vertical tab diehard for years, i’m just now coming around to appreciate tree tabs

having a record of thoughts here makes me seem significantly more unwell than i feel

choking myself and the constriction and tightness is comforting, but I run into an ugly feature (features) of my neck and it’s disgusting and now i wanna cry

im embarrassed and stupid and trying im sorry

do you know who you're talking to? you're looking at the proud creator of a script that extract an ass file from a mkv and turns it into a formatted txt (using lua's bootleg regex) so yeah, a moron

Since getting a job, life has moved unbearably slow. Not the pace overall, if anything I’ve been extremely hectic and busy, and now experience time in a completely different way (shoutout Postone on Newtonian time) - but moreso measured in terms of interesting thoughts.

I’m so hype about it being dark earlier now

oh look it’s the purples

sunday syndrome still goes so hard. one of the all time greats

aspirationally gaunt

i'm self conscious about my typing speed

i like to save old code i write - even if its worthless and unproductive, i enjoy having a historical record of the failure

golden age of lofi pre-over-saturation was super comfy, its charming and quaint looking back

installing 12 firefox forks and replicating my config just to feel something

wearing the bracelet she made me today and all these years later it’s still the most fitting accessory i’ve ever had