I wanna do that thing where you run away and “start over” but actually never meet new people

PLEASE STOP USING “NORMAL” jfc read flowerbomb read Mary Nardini Gang read Aph Ko/Syl Ko read literally any anti-assimilationist shit, even libs get this stuff right

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty “life is pointless” arc. Prob due to doing classes and thinking future. Which I mean sure life has no point is true, but also usually it’s about meaning we give it. But I’m actually not very interested in giving anything meaning.

Was watching Rick Roderick lectures and holy shit the framing of Utilitarianism and deontology as bourgeois morality is actually so fucking interesting and compelling. The reduction to the individualized atomized person doing actions independent from class analysis or power dynam

I don’t think I’ve thought about this explicitly very much but I’ve def noticed that over the past year or so, my libido has been really low, and I actually think there are a lot of theories that can at least partially explain why.

im really fucking tired. ive been nonstop brain activity since 5am because of scheduling for classes and thinking about internship. this fucking sucks. making me think about future shit and it just makes me really sad lmao. i wanna stop thinking and just chill

Also why is eye contact so hard?? I need practice

Things I like for groups: Small group split offs Circle > Face front presenter Person who spoke last calls on next person

I’m so shy and passive until the other person opens up a bunch and leads things, then when I’m comfy you can’t get me to shut up. What a weirdo

oh gawwwwd i attended the YDSA general meeting and like... what a mess lmfao

ugggghghghgh its so annoying realizing i just love sociology theory and the constant seeking for philosophy, econ, and poli sci just dont scratch that itch ughghghghghg

I FUCKING HATE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY!!!

Also I made neat backgrounds :)

bro this is so fucking cute - i inspired ren to make a presentation to gsa at school about gender nihilism omg. its not totally accurate but fuck it dude im so :))

good will hunting is such a shit movie damn

i wanna be familiar with the concepts in classic political philosophy but holy shit i cannot handle reading the fucking boring shit. like its important historically and for development and ideas and blah blah but holy shit its actually the worst dude

just wanted to quick reflect once more on the inclusivity debate of YDSA, its mostly interesting to me bc i can see what frameworks and assumptions i make when evaluating the case and thats what i wanna break down

HOLY FUCK DUDE im watching old overwatch vods i was such a fucking cunt dude lmfao. what the hell. oh god im so embarrassed. i feel like i have to apologize to everyone i interacted with ever. i really hope i dont feel this way about myself again in a few years.

Also TOMORROW not tonight I wanna reflect on how carrd made me realize how fragmented my identity is with various relationships and communities

OH one last thing i promise. some activity i could actually see myself doing with someone and maybe enjoying is cooking? kinda weird maybe but i mentioned in my carrd and ive reflected on a bit and i think true.

alright now that my manifesto is complete, just one extra thing that stuck out that i wanna repeat and recenter. i talked down to her a LOT and my apoligies were super super blamey and did not at all adequately address my actions. really really gross.

re reading texts between gail and HOLY FUCK I WAS ACTUALLY THE WORST WHAT THE FUCK. SERIOUSLY>>>???????

i was kinda cute in hs lol

It’s actually pretty astounding how quickly my I shift from being an anxious mess to feeling confident

Lmfao christians are truly oppressed by roblox censorship

;LAKSDJF;LKJ aghghgh now im remembering even more cringe someone was talking about their certificates stuff and comparing w me and brought up global health and i said my ex did that and aghghgh so weird i feel idk maybe not ugh i just hate that in between zone

also fuuuuuck dude i dont wanna seem like know it all cringe smart person bc im not like ughghghg., i wanna say my genuine answers to things like "there are a number of problems with even posing hypotheticals like this" and cite like virtue ethics critiques of particulars

Uhhhhhh fck fck I feel kinda weirddddd gahhhhh awk

Just wanted to update, think I’ve come out of my slump. Read a book this morn, The Politics of Total Liberation (a good one)

first attempts at making a carrd, p fun to mess around with

been looking to earring stuff and i think it would be really cute but also really does not seem like my thing. flesh scary and risk of infection or gross wtf fuck fuck. i know could go to a certified tattoo shop or something but bruh i cant its too much

this vid was p good overall, obv had some funky stuff too but one cool thing was asking kid "Hey do you wanna do x thing/event?" If yes, "Do you want me to 'force' you to go if you decide you don't feel like it in the moment?" https://youtu.be/Q-tiTTvkHpw

feeling really gross and uncomfy rn and i feel like it has a lot of causes and that is frustrating. maybe just restless bc i dont feel like i can do anything, but idk

im so fucking uncomfortable rn i cant rest this fucking sucks

figuring out shopping stuff is fucking terrible i hate it i hate it i hate it booooooo fuck this

idk if its anxiety or what but i go through these spouts where the thought of human interaction is actually sickening and i just never want to see anyone ever again. its really uncomfortable knowing that ill have to continue on and i desperately want to avoid it

"productivity" hell i fucking hate this shit, I'm so tired of this shit

im really tired w social interaction stuff

really like this, and the point about using "kids" not "children" is interesting https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/i-an-ok-ta-chai-youth-liberation

had really odd interaction with ryno lol... is this how girls feel receiving horny texts? he sent me 2 nudes w little to no context whatsoever lol

i was like developmentally stagnant for a long time in my youth, like totally unaware of a lot of really important shit. parents kept shit, friends with similar (like scott) I just really didn't have very much interaction with real stuff.

Oh also I talked to ren (MuZhoka’s romantic/sexual interest) last night and she’s super cool. She posted this as a part of her daily Instagram update post thing. Very cute very fun

Heading in to a meeting with prof to talk about book I read. P out of character but idk I thought it might be fun. Also the book is about sex and sometimes she feels a little puritanical so we’ll see. I will update after

something i wanna reflect on more later is about the time gail taught me how media criticism is important not just within the world that has been constructed, but also the choices that the writers make to put characters in certain situations

There were only 16 people today in class and it was pretty wild how much more comfortable I was speaking. Still awkward and weird and uncomfy but like it def changes my personality

bruh like this. is so fucking cute https://www.ae.com/us/en/p/aerie/bralettes/bra-tops/aerie-holiday-best-lace-waffle-longline-bralette/2694_3408_584?menu=cat4840006

i wish kyouko had her hair colored darker to reflect it being brown. struggling to vibe gender w for p sure that exclusive reason

Feeling good about hair, especially when it brushes over shoulders

hm watching Sound! Euponium and thinking about the difference between queer baiting and queerplatonic representation. like i imagine the intention was queer bait-y but is it possible nonetheless to be interpreted otherwise? but what are the limits to that alternative interpretat