mhm yea absolutely i agree

offending video

Give up on life n0thanky0u.neocities.org/blog_posts/g...

lmao i literally outsmarted myself > made a quick bash script to automate a task and put in my local bin > kinda performing the desired task, but performing weirdly > realize a while ago i made a .basrc alias WITH THE EXACT SAME NAME as my script fml

i stole years of your life. i don’t want forgiveness, i want you to forget me and be as happy as you can without the anchor around your neck.

it’s telling that i have more pictures of you with my brother than me in the last couple years of our relationship. i wasn’t meant for you, and i didn’t put a modicum of effort into us. i’m sorry for the heartbreak and frustration, i wasn’t worth it.

You see love's a funny thing The way it lingers in the mind No matter what you do Or the passing of time That ember still glows For those lovers behind No matter if it's well-remembered That light still shines

i love you, thank you for being understanding and kind

if mary plays her cards right it doesn’t have to be an alternate reality…. 👀

actually chatting w you has kinda been the perfect thing: light but serious, asynchronous, you give me a lot of space to yap, etc appreciate u lots

eh yeah i agree actually lol, just demonstrating i have a habit of inducing this reaction even if philosophically i think it’s spurious, i have sympathy for the basal negative emotions i cause

yea i like that too, just gets awkward when things get lopsided, and can feel extractive on their end sometimes plus i have a tendency to get bored with people and be very temperamental and flakey idk, doesn’t matter much any more. work has murdered social life

yeah, i have a very strong isolation tendency. used to be a lot stronger if you can believe it. i’d like to think i’ve learned to communicate a bit better, but it’s tricky because because sometimes even that can feel like an infringement on my Sacred Autonomy. as a result i can be pretty neglectful

lol yea, she got reaaally close with my family, was more or less family already they even kept in contact for a while after we broke up, until it got too painful and they had their own mini breakup

nearly 5 years of coming over daily will do that i suppose

i just feel bad for my brother more than anything basically lost an older sister

dating me is fun because i don’t want to do things with you or talk to you and basically want nothing to do with you

exhibit a (girlfriend going to lunch with my mom and brother, while i *might* say hi) kasey can confirm very little has changed

that’s if she’d be lucky enough to get a response. i have evidence of me literally just ghosting for multiple days at a time

“deservingness” is a property that has always confused me, but for you the application comes naturally. you deserve happiness, you deserve love, you deserve effort. and you don’t need my judgement to know that.

you’re the strongest, most admirable person i’ve ever known, and endlessly i’m grateful for the time and care you selflessly gave me, far beyond what i deserved.

i want to say something like “i wish you had spent it on someone more worthwhile” but that isn’t true. i’m glad it was me. and i also can’t say “i wish i had acted differently” because i’m convinced i never had the potential to be what you needed. i just wish my benefit didn’t come at your expense.

we knew from the start i wasn’t really the right fit for you, and both kinda hoped i’d grow into it some day. that never happened. losing you helped a bit, but i’m still not in a place where i could truly fulfill you.

which is fine, of course. i’m well beyond the point in my life where i would consider amorous connections as a life purpose, at least not in the naive sense.

i don’t know, i don’t have anything insightful to say. i’m just tired, i miss you, i’m sorry, and i want to go home.

day 516 of shilling for uYouPlus

important things going on in my heavily used spotify account

@renahlee.com how does it feel to have the best playlist since music that pops your balls megamix

one time i put together a piano arrangement of “Tear In My Heart” and performed it for her as a surprise

i cried in her arms because i was so anxious

she was there for all of the overwhelmingly turbulent emotions of my youth

in retrospect the arranging was infinitely more meaningful and significant to me, as a way to focus and direct my affections into a creation the performance was a distortion of this passion to an extent the whole experience is indicative of my rather odd way of relating to people

i’m glad i’m no longer in her life, i’m just sad she’s no longer in mine

i can’t stop crying

it hurts so much

never again will i experience the sublimity of neglecting my partner during a pandemic lockdown

i would like for my body to be disposed of in the least sentimental and most environmentally conscious method possible

it’s clear i don’t believe any of the things i say i appreciate people humoring me, its helpful to have an intellectually stimulating task even if the result is rather dull temporary distraction from depression is just about the only thing that works anyway (its an open question whether that’s good)

tldr thanks jules luv ya srry for being pesky lil bother