i’m too tired to even be sad i’m pretty sure my heart beat 3 times more than it was supposed to today

cringecringecringecringecringecringecringecringecringecringe harpoons of cringe stabbing my fucking heart cringe cringe cringe cringe

do you think if i cut out my tongue i'd get fired

imsorryimsorryimsorry

imtrying

with people like this in my comments, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing for my channel to get permanently banned

i haven't used my actual computer in over 2 days and coming back it feels weird and wrong and not comforting and that's scary scary scary scary scary scary bad. it's the only home i have and i don't want to lose it. i feel like i'm clinging for anything i can to ground myself but it's just not there

ngl im extraordinarily overwhelmed

but what else is new

my sleep is so fucked

only finally fell asleep at 6am, woke up at 9:50 and somehow magically made it to the office for my 10:00

how is my brothers cpu 105 C at idle

honestly more impressed the whole pc hasn’t melted at this point

my brother in christ it is 5:20 and pitch black outside wym good afternoon

it’s genuinely baffling how people expect philosophy to be immediately reducible to propositions in common parlance. sometimes yes, you will have to do the homework to understand, i’m sorry. i can help get you to the right level of abstraction or provide some historical background,

but it might take a bit of time and effort on your part.

and especially if it’s a worthwhile author or the topic is remotely related to aesthetics, the presentation is a constituent element of the message

grappling with the ideas a little bit yourself and reflecting is less fun than shouting “yay” / “nay” at bald and dead husks but it might be worthwhile if you actually care about understanding

idk the philosophical conversation has never been my forte. there always seems to be a mismatch in some essential metric, and the time constraint imposed by the mode of interaction is a travesty for meaningful thought. -thus said the coping pseud autist

this experiment has been disastrously successful. i’m uncomfortable and suspicious with how well its worked out. i fear it would not have been possible without my recent normification. what a distasteful misfortune.

it definitely wouldn’t be possible if bluesky was a bigger platform. i just hope they last long enough to implement a data export feature for posterity

tfw you still have an anxiety disorder you’ve just gotten better at masking, coping, and avoiding that you forget sometimes (until it becomes unavoidably obvious once more)

i’m depressed and tired and on edge. i want to not be here.

(in busy, bougie, italian restaurant for kayleen’s birthday, it’s awful and i’m deeply uncomfortable)

i am miserable

goodbye me, i’ll miss you this week

comfort is the death of excellence - the reader of a book already read is decadent and stagnant

one who never revisits a work understands nothing.

the overwhelming cult of conformity is revolting and suffocating

i am not innocent by any means; complaint is heinous given my weakness and complicity

nearly all of my communication is severely narcissistic, selfish, and extractive in nature

my interactions with my family are incredibly odd because i have an inordinate amount of power and influence. they’re desperate to have me around and no longer have any power to coerce me to do so.

they’ll listen to me talk about anything, and in stark contrast to the rest of my life i gleefully and greedily hog the spotlight. i become a bully, pushing the boundaries of what conversations they are comfortable with, i am frequently hostile and sharp with my words - even if the tone is all jest

this is all observation, not evaluation. i’m not sure if i’d like to change any of it, even if it is rather peculiar

the last vestiges of obligation i have yet to fling off are birthdays and christmas, and these are for my own benefit. i get better commodities that i give, and so going through the motions is worth it. but even then ive begun entirely skipping extended family events, which has been lovely.

it’s actually extremely fun exercising the power i have to get away with things. they beg to be around me to no avail, and then i will show up unannounced at random times. they’re never upset, just surprised and caught off guard. i enjoy asserting my will in this way and watching them accommodate.

it’s possible this is a very compensatory set of behaviors - growing up, i had no control and was subject to their whims and authority, but now the position is flipped.

it might be comforting in a way by fulfilling unconscious psychic needs for both of us. after a series of estrangements and parental failures, they’ll eagerly take whatever they can get, and i get to relive my teen years with the inconsiderateness and irreverence without any of the consequences

while it is fun, i dislike that my enjoyment is still dependent on them to some extent. or more to the point, the fact that i derive enjoyment from it stems from my own weaknesses and shortcomings (assuming my diagnosis is correct). there’s no need to forgive, but not being motivated by it would be

a shift in a positive direction. that’s not necessarily to say any concrete actions themselves will change, as i think they’re currently fairly overdetermined (i’m lazy, im comfortable enough around them to speak directly, i lack respect for them and think i am smarter than them, etc.)

but addressing the features that give rise to the symptom of enjoying those behaviors in certain ways with a specific interpretation seems like it would be a good thing if my goal is to actually lessen their power over me

that being said i probably won’t give it much thought beyond this thread, but tbh that’s probably enough of a reflective kickstart at least for now - unveiling the motivations fairly significantly reduces the allure on its own

current mood:

another day another youtube ban

if i'm grumpy for the next lil bit you know why :D

the lassalle fan club stays winning

current language comfortability tierlist: lua (the mf goat) javascript (annoying but familiar) mumps (lmao, yeah i know) python (been a while) bash (infrequent scripting) c (very limited experience) what a bizarre mish mash, and im not good at a single one (but im having fun!!!!!)

i should prob just pick one and run with it for a while to git gud but i’m just following my whimsical fleeting passions rn sooo