I’ve thought about this for a bit and I think I’ve decided that I won’t be contacting Gail first, even after the break time we’ve set is up. This space is a lot more for her than me, and I need to respect that. It would be selfish for me to message her out of me

oh and i also feel the emphasize how much consumerism sucks and how I don't like buying anything. Feels like complicity in their behavior but also powerless enough to not do anything. just disappointing and frustrating

not to mention how badly consumerism defines some people's lives and that just really blows.

I'm sure the metaphysics of all this blah blah blah implications blah idc I'm just tired of being subjected to this and that I never consented to this and that true informed consent could never be possible. I'm annoyed that I seem to be the only one who cares about this.

That being said, I know there are some anarchists who have written about this stuff. I know some of the things I talked about might sound like anti-natalist or depressed talking points but yeah idk. Stuff like this just strengthens my affinity for anarchist analysis, it seems

as if they are the only ones who write or think about these issues. I'm so tired.

oh yeah and another thing i forgot to mention is that I hate applying an identity to myself like even labels like agender or pansexual are sort of like I guess they literally apply? but I think that language like that is super limiting on my self conception.

yeah that applies to things like pronouns too like I hate having pronouns or having to choose, but then I also have to deal with interacting with others and pronouns are an important part of that. idk just really annoying

oh yeah and also things like my voice, i have very little control over what I sound like and its the primary means of communication, and thats just really meh. I could do voice training but there are limits and not a true option to opt out, plus that would take extra effort

and time. Don't even get me started on time and energy and all that. Idk scarcity is the primary evil of the world in so many ways. fuck that shit

I just find it so deeply unfortunate that my existence must be paired with the limitations of scarcity, my body, being influenced by others and forcing my will upon others. Existence is constitutively coercive, and that's trash. I hate that I was "raised" by parents.

I hate that I am expected to write essays with my opinions, I am forever uninformed enough to make decisions properly, and the consequences of not making decisions are disastrous. I hate my consumption of anything: food, space, attention. I think people are all too quick to write

off these things as "just the way the world works" rather than truly dwelling on an importantly oppressive feature of existence. While I understand that whining about that stuff won't do anything, I think its important to recognize.

That way we can better realize that we sentient beings are all struggling against the forces that have been thrust upon us. This lack of solidarity really sucks. :/ Honestly not even having the option to pop in and out of existence sucks too. What if I just want a break?

I've known this for a while but I don't think I've written it down or distinctly thought about it, but I think I just hate the idea of interacting with the world. I don't know how to really put this in words.

I don't like putting myself out there, making a difference, asserting myself. I would rather be a passive observer in everything I do, I don't want to impact anyone else, and I often find the impact of others on me to be intrusive. Additionally, I also hate the limits that are

put on me by the world. I hate being confined to a body, I hate requiring food, shelter, money, work. I struggle to truly enjoy anything other than pure experience of thought. I don't know how to unpack this stuff to be honest.

Regardless of anything, I hope she’s well and can enjoy her summer, I hope work isn’t too much. There are a lot of things I hope for her actually, like that things are going well with her mental health things and her roommate, idk

Weird to have so much knowledge suddenly become inapplicable. I miss her lots, but in a much different way than before. I wish people were more okay with more openish relationships, I would love to just chat and keep up with her and cuddle, and then she could have the more

“Boyfriend” style person she wants. Sucks it has to be all or nothing. I hope she finds what she needs though, despite my frustrations I’m glad she asserted herself that she needed out. I’m not too worried about her though, she’s very dedicated and motivated and intelligent,

She’ll be successful in her career, and given how charismatic and kind she is I’m sure she’ll find someone that will work well as a more reliable life partner.

Also apparently Gail got nervous and uncomfortable and backed out of talking with my mom. I hope she’s doing alright. I suppose it hadn’t crossed my mind much, I don’t feel like I really offered much. And I don’t think I even mean that in a self detrimental way idk

And the last few tweets I’ve been talking as if relationships are purely transactional which obv isn’t the case but yknow, I just have a hard time wrapping my ahead around someone struggling over me. I guess parents/brother, but they seem like really weirdly attracted to me

Maybe I just don’t understand relationships lmao. Also totally possible she’s doing fine and just meeting with my mom would be weird for her, which is fine, but my mom implied and maybe even said there was more to it. Idk didn’t dwell on it

Very inconsistent feeling right now. Manic focus, followed by binging and lethargy, this all fucking sucks

I am missing a social role pretty hard right now. Only people I talk to are Muz, isaiah, and parents. Muz is fine for focused convo about subject, but not very good critical thinking or problem solving or life skills. Cant talk personally. Parents are parents,

Often out of touch, or pressuring, or just not able to talk to. Isaiah has a bunch of his own stuff to deal with lol, fine to chat with ig.Missing someone to talk more personally about things with, that can relate and offer perspective.Haven’t been good with reflection lately too

:(

:(

But no society is really anxious to have that kind of person around. What societies really, ideally, want is a citizenry which will simply obey the rules of society. If a society succeeds in this, that society is about to perish.

The obligation of anyone who thinks of himself as responsible is to examine society and try to change it and to fight it—at no matter what risk. This is the only hope society has. This is the only way societies change. -James Baldwin

The paradox of education is precisely this—that as one begins to become conscious one begins to examine the society in which he is being educated. The purpose of education, finally, is to create in a person the ability to look at the world for himself, to make his own decisions,

to say to himself this is black or this is white, to decide for himself whether there is a God in heaven or not. To ask questions of the universe, and then learn to live with those questions, is the way he achieves his own identity.

That growing movement which is called industrial or vocational education now hangs in the scales. If it is so construed in practice as to produce merely more competent hands for subordinate clerical and shop positions, if its purpose is shaped to drill boys and girls into certain

forms of automatic skill which will make them useful in carrying out the plans of others, it means that instead of nationalizing education in the spirit of our nation, we have given up the battle, and decided to refeudalize education.

John Dewey

numb

I’ve had an interesting last two days. I submitted my project on Thursday morning, and my plan previously was to begin studying for my exams in a few days. I’m not entirely sure what happened but I kinda just shut down. Thursday was bizarre and completely unproductive.

Friday was even more bizarre. I woke up with a terrible headache, laid in my bean bag for 4 hours, finally took an Advil and ate something. I watched philosophy videos which I haven’t been able to do for a long time, and that was really nice but also I was in such a haze,

I’m not sure “enjoy” fits very well. I never even turned on the lights. These days felt terrible. I overate so much, and I don’t know why. The project took so much out of me I think, fuck. I’m going to try to study now, as my first exam is in two days. :/

As an immediate repository for my reflections, and was able to receive feedback and support. I could obviously receive that now from other sources, but my current support group I don’t feel very comfortable with that, nor do I think I’d get much out of it.

So for the time being I’ll be learning how to handle that on my own. And I’ll have to get used to the fact that maybe I don’t have much to say for a bit, and that can be fine. However, I think it’s important I don’t let myself fall into emotional repression or numbness,

as I’m aware my hobbies of staying alone inside with videos and games tends to do to people. I’ll continue keeping a close eye on my mental health, and allow myself to grow, but not push myself needlessly out of my comfort zone.

Lately I’ve been exploring music more as an aesthetic pursuit, and I’m excited for the semester end to continue that more deeply.

The last few days I’ve had feelings that led me believe I had feelings to process about Gail again, but every time I tried I wouldn’t have anything to say. And I think now I’m realizing that I was just feeling sort of emotionally vulnerable and reflective, and those emotions

had become associated with Gail recently due to the breakup, but can also just exist on their own too. It’s been easy to just default to “oh I’m feeling emotional? Must be about gail; let’s process”

But now that nothing is happening on that front, I’ll have to turn to other sources or lenses to process. That’s obviously more healthy and realistic long term, but is a difficult transition. And for multiple years while I was with Gail I would have our relationship

I am very unsure of the future. Job shit sucks, and I often hate the idea. Dreadful, frustrating, annoying, depressing. I don’t have much else to say for now.

I lack resources to turn to when I just want to talk about things, it’s boring. I feel like when I have an interest I want to discuss it’s split among a bunch of different people, which is just kinda not ideal. Like hearing different perspectives is fine, I don’t have an issue