holy fuck my anxiety is so so so fucking bad rn holy shit i hate this shit fuck me fuck this fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

So they’re pretty connected things in my mind. Also thinking about where and what friendship will look like is hard to imagine. People that think too similarly to me are boring, so classes feel like a dead end. I don’t do anything outside of that,,,, so

Idk I also think in a lot of ways I’m struggling to free myself from imagining a “Gail replacement”, like someone that will fill all the same spots yknow. But there are so many reasons why that’s an awful way of thinking and yeah idrk, it’s hard.

:(

I had and still have a LOT to learn, and it just sucks that she was put on the receiving end of my struggle to improve. I seriously appreciate everything she did for me so much. I miss her very much, she played such an important role in my life.

It’s also hard now bc I sorta have no friends, which in lots of ways is great, but is also confusing. Especially when trying to process emotions about Gail, I don’t know where missing her ends and craving a friend begins. She was basically the only one for a long time,

Not sure why but today has kinda been really rough for me emotionally. Woke up very tired, internet went out, lots of emotions while trying to help dad navigate something for his workers, called internet, accidentally called gail in the process (fuck), groceries,lots of homework,

Now I can’t sleep. Feeling lots about Gail I think. Kinda numb but like wanting to feel something about it idk how to explain. Numb is frustrating. Sometimes I think I don’t let myself grieve, I speedrun all the stages too quick :(

Idk if I’d call them regrets but I just have so many moments where I’m like fuck why did I do that - I wish I hadn’t treated you that way. And like idk it was 4+ years you’re gonna fuck up dude it’s ok

also i accidentally called gails number today. i hung immediately but idk if she still got a notification. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

cultural norms, and its hard to tell the difference between that and something that should actually be valued. Obviously people have different expectations for me than I would prefer, but idk. Caring about this so much at all is kinda weird too

Like maybe this is the reflection I need to set myself free of "romantic relationships" and just engage with people freely without the awkward norms that don't work for me. Like once i get this thinking out I won't have to think about it again, even tho ive done a lot of think

Maybe this is needed for me to figure out im aromantic? If thats even a thing? Maybe this is all to circle back around someday to how the dominant culture feels, idk

I guess I just feel like I spend an unweildy amount of time thinking about romantic relationships and I'm struggling to think about why.

Like I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out how I feel about things because there are lots of instances where I don't think I have any true obligation to do things for others. Like I feel like for most people relationships are an area where you suspend your autonomy

and allow yourself to be influenced and adopt the other person's expectations while also imposing your expectations and influences on the other. And I think I've always really struggled with "romantic relationship" stuff.

Like the obligations put on you are super super informed by the norms of the day and thats just kinda meh idk. So much is left unsaid and there are so many limitations. And it's not like I actively wanted to engage in everything considered taboo often, but just having that

restriction feels odd. Clearly somehow I've taken a moment where I was supposed to be self reflecting on my potentially harmful behavior and turned it into something else but idk. It's possible that much of the criticism levied at the character is just due to

I think I definitely engaged in a lot of selfish passivity while dating Gail. And while in many cases it may have been acceptable or not necessarily wrong, I don't think I ever communicated what I was doing or thinking properly.

I just watched Midsommar and maybe I'm not correctly interpreting things but a video I watched talking about the movie singled out that passivity in the boyfriend character. Sort of allowing things to happen and having plausible deniability for things that are messed up.

and like by the time i really started to understand social issues (im still obviously learning) the influence of that stuff was way less bc she had moved out already. idk, still just frustrating and disappointing, like pay attention, put in effort, care

sorta allowed myself to be color blind in this area yknow, and that sucks :/ like if racial issues or self determination or anything political like i feel confident that i could come to the correct intuition by not just being a nationalist reactionary prick but thats not enough

like i needed to know history, geography, labels, etc a LOT better and talk with her about it. fuck man :( not gonna beat myself up too much i guess but just goes to show i was kinda not there in the way she needed me, idk just very frustrated atm

and i could get some vibes? of things? but thats not good enough. like the Philippines arent always considered in the pacific islands, and not in the area of polynesia either? i could be misinformed still but like wtf

like she referenced herself as multiple phrases previously and definitely identified with certain representations, and i honestly don't know how informed or interested she was in any of it or how she used labels. but thats the whole issue lol - like how can't you know

whether it be to refer to her in a way that is respectful or to have a deeper conversation about that stuff, idk it just feels important. and im aware that shes grown up her entire life in america its not like theres some personal experiences in the actual land, its more culture

obviously food, family, culture, so many different things influenced. and maybe the geography and labels aren't that important, and i got a general picture of things, but i largely avoided it tbh. idk just sorta dissapointing.

fuck man, i just learned that i was like fundamentally misinformed about the pacific islands and the groups that make it up, and also that i had like no knowledge whatsoever basically. thats actually really shitty.

we were together for 4.5 years and i didnt take the 2 seconds to do any research at all. we never really talked about it and it was absolutely my fault. its not her responsibility to inform me and that lack of communication is just really pathetic on my end

Oh my god lol, I hadn’t been masturbating too much for a while, and recently felt more often in the mood. Apparently there’s a link between vitamin d levels and testosterone?? If that’s causal thats very funny timing with me starting supplements, otherwise just coincidence.

THIS CLASS SO FCKING COOL! I maybe talk too much o.o

Only like 7 person class and we just chat about conservative political theory so cool so cool

Oh yeah tomorrow I start my 2nd summer course, we’ll see how overwhelmed I get. GL we’ll see

for a bit. I brought things with me in my backpack in case I wanted to read or play with a cube but nope, just felt like watching people or looking at scenery. when I felt like it, I walked home.

That's the first time in months that I've left my apartment by myself, and only the third/fourth time since I've moved in lol. And I don't wanna play this up too much bc its not like i was WOW IM ENJOYING THIS, it was just nice and fine. Like often going out feels like a waste

of time and energy but it wasn't like that, it was just fine. I was tired when I got home, but I took the space to relax, it was nice.Nothing groundbreaking, just nice. And I think for me that's a lot better, I spend most of my time and enjoyment in things that are just fine/nice

So this gives me good reason to think its sustainable and good and fine to do, not like some wild one off thing that im just randomly entranced with.

Also, a funny realization I had was that I had been taking vitamin D supplements consistently for a bit, but recently sorta stopped/became pretty inconsistent. It would be funny if my desire to go out was my body just craving sunlight for more vitamins lol

went for a walk today, not entirely sure why, just felt like it. enjoyed it. I think a big part of me "growing up" is me coming to learn that I can enjoy things I thought I couldn't/didn't, and that most of my dislike came from me doing things on other people's terms.

If I have complete autonomy over my choices, many things can be enjoyable. I may struggle to recognize instances and opportunities at first, because of their unfamiliar nature. Not to mention, often I feel like I didn't enjoy things because of who I was with, or the fact that

I was with anyone at all. Not necessarily personal, I just enjoy time with myself, even in doing things most people would do socially. Like this walk around took a long time, and was less of a walk and was more of travelling to various places, sitting down, and taking things in

i miss her around, she was fun and nice

face makes it so much worse for some reason lol, my heart hurts a bit

no wishes, just a little hurt right now, brain wants to rationalize and search for solution or how i should think about, but ive kinda already done that, sometimes just have to feel it out

looked at pics of her again, ouchie

hair cut :( i liked length in front

My goal is to respect her needs in this, as I think that’s more important than what I’d get out. I won’t lie I’ve fantasized a bunch of times about what and how I’d message her, but now I just don’t think that’s right.

I might **might** message just to say like I’m down to talk if you want, but be clear that there are no expectations, even to reply. Like I wouldn’t want her to think I was avoiding/frustrated/arrogant. I haven’t decided, but her feelings and consent are the most important here.

Missing or wanting to catch up, even if not in a way that would not imply a more serious life partnership. I think it’s only fair for her to have that ability to talk when she’s ready, and if she never decides she wants to, that’s alright too.

Would I personally want to talk before then? Yeah absolutely she was my best friend for years and theres so much already id love to talk with her about, but I don’t think that’s my place honestly.