her face, like "what you're doing is wrong and would make your mom ashamed" and blah blah blah trash bullshit, and then just like "boys will be boys" @ me like wtf. But yeah I def was not nearly as woke on feminist shit like that before, I just thought it was like super bazaar

That being said, I think its very clear that my approach to sex in our relationship in high school was very problematic. I wish there were more gradation to describe what I'm going for, because there seems to be a large gulf between problematic, coercive, harmful, etc and assault

The situation we were in (only really being able to have sex at my parents house, and a lack of free time between my parents being home and us being off from school) was rough, and adding onto that was the fact that it felt like such a big deal to my parents, the threat of being

caught felt rough, as well as completely embarrassing. I feel like the embarrassing piece of it was the real challenge for her more than anything else. We were sexual for a while (grinding, heavy petting, etc) and were able to sneak that in often when hanging out.

I feel like this stuff was pretty fine, it was very non-committal and could be abandoned if we heard someone coming, and was just a fun flirty thing to do. However, after this became a bit of a habit, we became more reckless, and got caught a few times.

Cleo posted some stuff about Sinatraa today about how she was in an abusive relationship. Reading through it and seeing all of the evidence was really harsh, and she's very clearly telling the truth about a horrible relationship. I hope that isn't how she felt about things.

I know that when we talked she didn't make me out to be a sexual assaulter, but I'm not so sure how to feel about that. It's possible she could just be saying those things to protect her own emotions, or to protect my feelings, even if only subconsciously.

And I'm aware that the language around this sucks, like sexual assault is a loaded term that could include many things, but only implies the most serious offenses. And I'm aware that I was a young person, lacking plenty of life experience and maturity.

I do like this ring tho - weird how I have to think through things to enjoy them, like aesthetics or gender or ethics

I think I didn't know how to feel because I don't really put much emphasis on products or items, but at the same time these gifts show an incredible attention to detail and a lot of time and effort. Not to mention the expense, a lot of these things could not have been cheap.

I'm also weird about money, but clearly it meant a lot to her even after I was not very receptive to her gifts repeatedly. I'm really not sure about how to think about any of this yet. I thought typing it out would help me get answers, but I'm still really unsure.

Either way, I think the relationship taught me a lot and is still challenging me. I still miss it, and it can be boring and constraining not to have someone to talk to about my thoughts and feelings. I'm not really in pain, it can just get dull or lacking without someone close

My first instinct is to disagree, even looking back. But I'm also considering her last gifts of makeup products, and I'm not so sure. That was important and meaningful because we were having some issues with my gender and identity stuff, and it was a way of communicating that I

was still loved, valued, and supported. I'm not sure if I should apply the same level of significance to other gifts from her, and I know more effort went into some of them, like the engraved note with her handwriting. It was definitely an important way of her communicating, and

I think I didn't do a good job at understanding and receiving that communication. When I went to put the note and picture away in my safe, I found a box with a ring she got for me, and a folded paper heart from one of her other gifts.

She put a lot of weight into this stuff, and I think I struggled to understand or value the effort. For instance, the ring is super lowkey and simplistic, but also has an interesting texture, it's like my ideal and she knew it.

Found Gail's picture in my wallet while grabbing my ID for a thing for school, along with an engraved note. I had really forgotten about those, definitely caught me off guard. I remember the arguments we would have about me not valuing her gifts properly.

Tried my first toy - fucked my shit up fam. Very intense and very good lol ~

Eating more bc tired from exam or needed energy / didn’t have energy to think about food stuff -> body/brain could function / wasn’t thinking about food which makes me miserable (lol) -> could engage with philosophy which is fun.

I’m not sure how to put it, but I feel so much less foggy now than the last couple days. Like I have the energy and interest to do things, which is really neat. Wish it didn’t have to come at the cost of feeling marginally gross about body. Might try to do some meal plan stuff

I’m also thinking back to like the basic therapy stuff about food, how I have most control over my actions, medium control over my thoughts, and little control over my emotions. It’s just so difficult I feel so gluttonous and out of control. I don’t think I have a binge ED

Like my “binges” are prob just normal meals but holy shit like reflecting on my day I feel like I’ve eaten so much. Fuck it’s really hard, and managing snack type food or timing intervals is a big challenge. I think it would be nice to have a nutritionist or coach or something

Anyway I’m way off track basically I’m not sure if reactivating my brain for the exam, eating a more normal amount, or the subsequent engagement in philosophy was the thing that made me feel better. Prob a combo, and prob built on each other. Like had to prep for exam ->

And it’s pretty interesting. I feel lots better today after my exam,, but I’m not sure if it’s due to the exam? Like right before my exam I reviewed previous year exams for the first time (lol I was depressed before) and I got back into the swing of using my brain, which I like.

And then I took the exam and that was very mentally stimulating as well as tiring, but in a good way. After that I ate, and I think I ate more than I had been. For the last few days, I had kept a pretty close eye on how much I was eating and was pretty concerned with how much

Like setting rules for when I could eat next and how much, etc. I think eating more contributed to feeling better? Like for my body. But now reflecting on that, it doesn’t feel good at all lol. Like I feel pretty gross. I’m trying to think about that. Dr. K and other therapy ppl

Mention how you should sort of allow yourself your initial reaction and recognize that that is okay, and I’m not sure how I feel about that, or even how to go about that. My intuition is just to shut it down and be like well yeah that’s bad

I’ve been feeling pretty shit meh for the last few days and haven’t really been doing anything. I worked ahead in my classes to clear space for studying for my 390 exam, but I realized that I had a really good handle on the material pretty early into studying.

Asserting almost anything at all. Which is kinda weird considering that disconnect from the way I live my life and my applied political perspectives. But I suppose unless I embrace true radical skepticism, the scientific method seems pretty good at predicting stuff and the

Conservatives practically make it their mantra to defy expert consensus. I’m gonna need to read some meta and normative ethics and continue working. Weird how thinking a bit shifted me from like -10 depression to like -4 depression, not neutral, but closer, maybe more numb

Looked into relationship anarchy a bit - seems really interesting and obviously a very radical shift. I’m not used to being on the right of social issues, so it’s a good challenge for me to outline my position if I don’t agree.

Positive freedom is a very important value to me, but I’m still not convinced that absolutely maxmimizing it is necessary. Nevertheless, I find myself agreeing with the lions share of anarchist social perspectives, and always find it fascinating.

I actually think there’s a lot of potential here to make sense of my perspectives and have more consistent perspectives. Ethics is very messy, and I’m in a very odd spot in my philosophical journal right now. I’m very skeptical of most everything, and don’t feel confident in

holy shit im really depressed rn lol, not sure why, zoning out and feeling very off. prolly bc eating is fucked, feel like shit. feel annoyed and gross, eating is disgusting. ED gets fucky when not feeling great, and just spirals with depression

eh honestly my eating is like mostly fine i think. im eating a fucking lot, at least it feels that way. im def thinking a lot about it, but idk if im lacking calories. might just be depressed for other reasons. hard to do this alone, but dont have anyone i feel like i can talk to

Would have caused problems. We also had pretty different approaches to conflict. She would take no shit from anyone, and I would usually let myself get trampled over for a while and explain it away. But sometimes I just couldn’t take it and exploded, and if no responsibility

Continued, it would make me pretty angry. At that point I think I would overextend and be too aggressive, and she would just absolutely shut down. I never felt like my concerns were adequately heard I think. I would let patterns of behavior slide for a while, and then would get

Told that I was crazy for reacting how I was, that it was no big deal. I really didn’t like that, and then everything would devolve and she would end up crying and do the classic “ok I’m sorry it’s ALL my fault” trash - not to excuse my actions, they sucked, I just never got

Resolution, and that’s pretty unfair to me. However, given all the shit I did to her, yknow it’s whatever. I probably shouldn’t have to discount it like that but that’s def how I feel. Anyway, I’m gonna go to bed now, I hope this is healthy.

College. Like any grievance I could have would be completely overshadowed by what I was lacking for her in the relationship. I’m not sure, I think I’d need a therapist or some outside influence to know for sure. Really unfortunate that they were fully booked.

That being said, her handling of gender stuff was pretty rough, but still that was pretty understandable and I didn’t make it easy at first. And I think that’s where I get caught up with criticizing her. Even if I can finally get around to denouncing an action or behavior,

I write it off as understandable. And I would let it fester, and then blow up about issues, to which then the conversation would focus on my presentation. Lol if there’s one thing I would undeniably attribute to her the the skill of avoiding responsibility.

Quite impressive, but also pretty frustrating haha. I’m not sure why that’s humorous to me or makes me smile, it should be pretty bad, no? Her apologies sucked and definitely reinforced ideas that things were exclusively my fault. If I wasn’t so willing to hold the bag, it def

She taught me so much, and demonstrated incredible strength in the face of adversity.

I think I wrote about this previously, but I’m not sure what I had to offer in comparison. I hope one day to talk with her and reflect on things, but I am wary of expecting too much. The last thing I want is to be just another pestering boy (first of all, eh) in her life.

I also am incredibly apprehensive the more I write her praises. I really do not want to deify the relationship. We had our issues without a doubt and she was absolutely difficult to deal with at times, but with most issues I would end up putting the blame on myself

And I feel as if it’s impossible to know if I’m focusing too much on my own shortcomings and missing things she did wrong, however it also feels incredibly pedantic to whine over little details when I systemically denied her true fulfillment for all of high school and half of

Regardless of the situation. She was attentive to my needs, and that was really nice. I am somewhat worried now that my perception of partnerships is tainted now, where I’ll assume they will offer me too much without me contributing back.

I was fortunate to have her in my life as long as I did. Honestly my life would be just so unbelievably different without her, I couldn’t even comprehend. I truly believe she’s the prominent reason for my ideological shift, and listening to her perspective as

A woman, a person of color, an atheist, a working class background, daughter of an divorced immigrant, having family in another country, a victim of assault, a personal struggle with mental illness, on and on and on: so many experiences different than my own.