I feel the need to clarify that I’m not meaning to say that I want to be back together, because ultimately I don’t think it would work out unless there was a foundational reconstruction. I’m merely reflecting on some of the things that made the relationship so valuable to me, and

Why I think she was a pretty exceptional person. I don’t mean to put her on a pedestal, and I’m probably overhyping to some extent, but she is without question the person I have had the most respect for throughout my life.

Her love for life was so radically different from my own, and that was really valuable to have. I appreciated the pushback on my perspective, and that what I would say wouldn’t just go unchallenged. At the same time, I almost always felt confident that I would receive support

That actually meant a lot to me. I would actually be so interested in talking with her about this, because I’m not sure if I’ve ever had similar motivations. It just seems to selfless, I dunno. Maybe she was just bored and it was nice background noise or something, but

I don’t think so. I know she was very social so maybe this was just one way, but she was always just so supportive and made me feel like what I was doing was valuable. Unfortunately I don’t think I gave that enough thought or recognized how much I appreciated that.

I think there was lots that I just took for granted, and breaking up made me realize that much more. I’ve thought a lot about how underappreciated she was, and how much I think she was mistreated. And I’m sure to some extent there is some romanticism of the past and

A focus on my own shortcomings. Like we definitely had our issues and lots of the things I’m noticing are pretty far away from the end, so the situations have changed dramatically over time for sure, but still there are some things that just stick with me a lot

I just want to take a moment to appreciate how compassionate and supportive Gail was. Genuinely one of the most kind people I have ever met, and probably will ever meet. Specifically right now I’m thinking of when I would live stream myself gaming.

Not only would she very often watch live and make sure she showed up, but if she missed it she would often watch the VOD. Always willing to moderate something or update the title. Just very supportive of something I was even marginally passionate about.

"right" to borders, but instead it must justify how a system with borders would increase universal wellbeing in order to achieve maximum freedom and equality. This is a tall order, and must be accompanied by a large amount of empirical evidence.

We must continually question our systems of organization and previous traditional arrangements. Maybe borders to some extent are justified for some period of time, but the moment they are not we must push for their abolition.

I have a lot of thinking to do, but this is broadly where I sit right now. I'm sure this will shift over time, and I look forward to challenging my perspective.

If the state should exist, I goal should be to produce the greatest outcome for the greatest number. I have recently been questioning my utilitarianism, but I think it may be possible so far to proceed with a loose rule utilitarianist framework.

Ideally, the state would collect all recourses produced and distribute them among the people of the world equitably, as a benevolent monopolist distributor following the principle of from each according to their ability, to each according to their need.

However, there are a number of economic truths that seem to rule out that model of organization. So the state's (most likely multiple states of multiple nations) goal should be to create a sort of game system that most effectively balances output and equality.

Discovering that method should be our continual goal, and ideally we would not be bogged down in notions of property rights or nation distinctions and would recognize them exclusively as a means to an end. For instance, it should not be apriori assumed that each nation has a

Doing some basic intro anarchist understanding and I am really enjoying it. I don't agree so far with what I've read but its very compelling to read about criticisms of the state itself. It's inspired me to think about the base of my political philosophy, and I'll write it below

Like the relationship was offering my side of the transaction much anymore. (To be clear, I’m being hyperbolic to make the understanding fit, I deeply valued her love and support throughout) our interests diverged greatly, we spent no time together and when we did it was always

Somewhat unenjoyable/unfulfilling for one or both of us. Talking with her was great whether online or in text, and social events with her there felt really nice. Just the core of the relationship was sort of hollowed out. None of this is to mention the fundamental schism of our

Long term life goals throughout, but this was meant to be a certain kind of way to understand the relationship, which is obv simplified. Also, I left out how my parents pressured and influenced the relationship a lot (especially around sex), which I should revisit at some point

I dunno, I think this was too simple of a model,but maybe there’s some insight. I do think by the end there wasn’t much of a relationship,which I enjoyed as much as she hated. I think our personalities are fundamentally incompatible (at least for now) but that sucks bc I love her

To clarify, I think breaking up was mostly inevitable, at least if we wanted to be happy, unless something drastic changed. I think our mutual love forced it a long time, but at the time I suppose it didn’t feel too much like forcing to me, she didnt force much on me

I still miss her friendship an awful lot, and in the future I think I should talk about what I think that might look like, but then again maybe that just won’t work. And maybe that’s for the best. I think I should end the thread now.

That I wanted to replace it with. Not only that, but over time I also wanted less to do with her. Our time together wasn’t very fun for me I don’t think, activities wise. And with no high school, I didn’t need an everyday companion, I didn’t need anyone to talk with

I had myself, and that just sort of worked. Obviously we still kept in contact and would see each other, but it wasn’t the same. We weren’t having sex anymore, or at least not consistently. I think the relationship was transactional in a lot of ways for me. In some ways I think

That’s okay though. Like if I realized what I liked or didn’t, or what I didn’t need anymore, that’s fine. The only problem is that didn’t leave anything left for her, and she needed more. And why would I do so much extra for her? I wouldn’t get anything out of it, and it’s not

Early on with our friend group we would hang out together, and I’m not really sure how that dynamic played out. I bet I was super cringey and weird. I don’t exactly remember how I felt about these sessions, but I think some parts I remember fondly,like the freedom of going places

In a car. But overall I think I disliked them, and would have just preferred to spend time with just gail. Which is pretty funny considering we didn’t do anything really. I must have been so insufferable.

I’ve deemed far off my original script of roles huh? Idk basically I just think that over time for a multitude of various reasons, I became less dependent on her. And this could have been fine, and could have been an opportunity for growth, but I didn’t really have anything

However, I think the context of school made hanging out feel more approachable and simple. Her driving me home for us to spend time together was simple and easy. Later on, specific effort to hang out must have been made, and it wasn’t (at least on my part)

How we spent our time together was another thing. Long ago I think I just... made her watch me play Overwatch?? Which is super weird and rude lol. I guess it was just one of my only passions, and I didn’t know what else to do. Over time I would have her play, and then she would

Want to play other games. I hated that lol. I don’t know why, I just hated that so much. It wasn’t fun and I was really bored, but she enjoyed herself more and I didn’t get that. I suppose that’s pretty similar for our general interests as well.

Sexual environments and I think those were responsible. I’m not sure if it was a drastic or gradual shift, but eventually, we basically stopped having sex. I know this happened at least in college, and it’s possible before that as well. Maybe after our other break it was odd.

Regardless, she ended up feeling not good about sex, probably due to how poorly it was handled earlier. Sexuality used to be a very important part of our relationship I think, and eventually it withered into nothing. (Which obviously I am and was okay with, just finishing roles)

When we went to high school together, we kept each other company in classes, before school, and at lunch. With the structure of school gone, this regular interaction fell, and that friendship component was no longer used.

Our position with hanging out and communication was always tenuous, mostly due to my fault, so I don’t think that changed much over the years. A surprisingly steady part of the relationship.

Sex is an area worth bringing up I think. We started doing sexual things and I think I was often playing either the role of the initiator or the person to convince it would be fine. Which is really really gross looking back. I suppose I was young but still

I think it was largely a part of the environment, my parents house. It was worrying for her and it felt like she would play the role of being overly cautious. Unfortunately I think the way my brain understood the dynamic was that both of us wanted to be sexual, and we both played

A part in the negotiation. It’s definitely not ideal consensually. I don’t want to give the wrong idea, it’s not like I raped her. To some extent the story I told above was true, we both did want it, but she was rightfully worried about the environment.

We continued having sex even during a break, which I think was very weird and like quasi-dating. I wish I could remember more, but I don’t think that was very smart. Our communication around sex I think was always very poor in the moment, but I think we tried to talk outside of

For starters, I think we were friends for some time. I’m a little confused how the relationship started, but at some point she began to fill the role of a parent. A lot of this had to do with my mental health. She would even communicate with my parents and relay what was going on

With me when I wouldn’t talk with them about my issues. She offered emotional support and performed a lot of parental functions like comforting, organizing, guidance, and even problem solving things with my social anxiety. It was an odd dynamic with her putting a lot of work in

Some parts of this faded away with my personal development, but a lot of my progress took a long time. For instance, my social anxiety lasted far beyond the main part of my eating disorder. Eventually, these became mostly irrelevant parts of my life and her role

I think a good way to understand the evolution of the relationship is to look at the different functions and roles it served for us, and how they slowly withered away and got replaced.

Even know what questions to ask. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty of my past. I want to apologize and make up for it, and I want my best friend back. I also want to be able to grieve for my loss properly, but I’m confused and blaming myself is simpler.

This is as much as Twitter will let me send, and probably about all I have to say. I’m tired and there is a large gap in my life now. Things can be so bland. I hope I have the ability to move on with life in a healthy and productive way, even if I don’t know what that means yet.

In return. She was incredibly flexible with me, to a fault I think. This is why I use the phrase “she freed herself”. I think I kept her trapped for a long time and I was too busy being content with my situation to care.

I’m happy she’s free. I want her to feel fulfilled, I think she deserves it. I don’t like using the word “deserve” but it feels right here. After reflecting on the relationship, the amount of pain and effort put in almost demands some karmic justice.

I don’t want to blame myself for everything here, but it is difficult not to have a negative attitude towards my participation in the relationship. I feel like such a loser and I want to talk to her so she can explain how I’m not. Partially to be comforted, but also to understand

This is all very difficult to think about, and I’m feeling things I don’t often feel. I wish I had her here to make sense of my thoughts, but I know there is no such thing as true closure. It all feels too sudden, like showing up to office hours but not being prepared enough to