2) it just wasn't true. i pretended like i had evolved so far beyond her, but didn't even bother talking to her about it!!! idk very silly, very pretentious. and in fact, i was super pseudo-intellectual cringe and she was actually far far superior at dealing with serious

applied philosophy cases that i would just brush off or assume i knew everything about, which is ironic bc im pretty sure that was one of my annoyances??? that she wouldn't engage enough in that kind of stuff??? but like bruh she was super super willing and able to reflect on so

many things!!! you mistook your hubris for understanding, and her intellectual curiosity with foolishness!! actually really disappointing lol. anyway i think im all out but wow this was really eye opening for me.

that doesn't mean that she loved me for no reason, i know that i have plenty of positive qualities. my treatment of her however was not one of those qualities. my overdependence, anger, impatience, lack of care, lack of empathy

not to say that there could be no positive experiences. of course there are plenty of times when those did not come up, and almost certainly times when she was in the wrong but yknow thats not super valuable for reflection stuff.

just to finish off, another narrative i would tell myself is that i was this like very enlightened and dispassionate person that didn't let my emotions factor into anything, but i mean 1) a lot of that just ended up being repression and toxic masculinity lol

and the entire time i had this smug high ground perspective and thought i was better than her, and she was really good at communicating exactly what was important to her and what problems she had with my approach, but without being like judgmental, super super gentle

i don't want to deify her, she is of course not perfect, but i think this important to mention bc i think the narrative i often told myself while we were together was either implicitly or explicitly very degrading and frankly misogynistic.

every time i revisit i just reinforce and reinvigorate my intense respect for her ability to communicate, and am appalled at my interactions with her.

like i mentioned at the end i dont just want to denegrate self and hold up her on pedestal,,, but this was bad bro. like i was very clearly in the wrong here and for a long time. i'm really glad she was able to break this off, particularly for her sake but also for mine.

alright now that my manifesto is complete, just one extra thing that stuck out that i wanna repeat and recenter. i talked down to her a LOT and my apoligies were super super blamey and did not at all adequately address my actions. really really gross.

oop forgot to include travel. yeah i hate that too still, rip

have expectations/desires for more social interaction. that might sound like a basic problem, but the degree to which it impacts me is pretty serious. even activities i would normally enjoy like anime or gaming become a chore with others around, and thats really rreally rough

ultimately not a super big worry, i don't need romantic or partner style relationships to feel fulfilled completely, just something very important to keep in mind when creating relationships, especially bc i def think ill want some relationships

i made a note to myself as i was writing to not just diminish my worth and i think thats important to end on. i have a lot of personal quirks and some of them may be things to spend time investigating and resolving if they are harmful, but

my uniqueness doesn't have to be something i apologize for. i enjoy my individuality! i enjoy who i am! i have strong dispositions and perspectives on lots of personal things that are highly incompatible to most others, but thats okay! i am an ever changing socially enmeshed

being with multiplicity and particularity that can't be reduced or confined. i am beautiful. :)

space very much, and i very much lack interest in interaction.

alright prob way past time to wrap this up. in conclusion, i think ive grown a lot on a ton of different areas, and that feels really good. im not so much interested ultimately in my compatibility with her as much im interested in seeing how ive changed over time.

the areas in which ive improved are good for me regardless of what relationships i have in my life, which is super wonderful imo. there are somethings that ive had minimal movement on, but these are mostly particular things relating to her interests and passions, however

widespread/common/universal these interests might be for many people. ultimately not *too* concerned about this, but still something worthy of consideration. lots of my interests and passions are highly individualistic, so this can make relationships difficult with people who

how horrendous tbh, really tragic. totally not my comfort zone or vibe. if all alone i think things can be super super incredible, like going for a walk at night when no ones around and feeling wind or watching things happen, hell i even feel it walking around downtown

but socially is a big question mark for me, almost always ruins it for me, even if its someone i like. just can't get into the right headspace ig. again coming back to how small of doses i can handle of these type of things before getting burnt out.

ok real last thing: pets :/ sorry i dont think you should kill them but yeah not really a big nonhuman animal guy. also the ethics are weird but im not like hardline, i just have some questions, and it gets weirder if species is hardcore domesticated. idk i can't stand sharing

oh shit theres more whoops. oh god this shit is really bad compatibility wise lmao. starting easy, "active" like walks/gym i think im much much more open to, but am still very skeptical based on how many people are around. less of a workout problem more of a social thing

which brings me to... social (family, friends, going out to do things, spending time in public [ex hw]). yeah idk what to tell you, still super not into this shit. think im much more capable of faking it and my tolerance has increased a bunch, and def anxiety reduction

but for fun? nah. BUT maybe if i had fun person to go with it wouldn't be so bad? haven't really had that since disposition change so who knows, but still doubtful. She also brings up walks and seeing beautiful things like nature and yeah i forgot how much she loved outdoor stuff

so i might have diminished ability, but also have pretty diminished needs. that beings said, diminished ability doesn't exclude me from responsibilities like contributing to collective chores or being respectful and kind interacting, but moreso is about time commitment

this is one reason in particular why multiple relationships is so appealing, so that people can pick up my slack. i dont want the responsibility of having to be the primary and exclusive carer, it feels way too demanding and unhealthy. again, not gail's fault, just sorta a

structural problem for me. BUT i think certain things like being willing to leave my house or go a bit out of my way have shifted a bit, almost certainly not enough to meet the standard, but a bit. overall prob my least improved area and one that i think was very important

to her.

idk i also think part of this that is easy for me to overlook is just how introverted i am. like now that ive been out of a "romantic" relationship commitment i spend A LOT of time alone, and i love that!

buttttt i think when thinking about relationships in the abstract its easy for me to take that recovery time for granted, and overestimate the energy and time i really have for activities with others. not to say that gail was too demanding, like she was so so accommodating

but still i don't think i had enough time to give that she needed, even though she had tons of other relationships, and particularly if im her only "partner". i guess i just struggle to understand acts of service conceptually, maybe if i think about it in terms of mutual aid?

that its something i should grow out of. ofc once i stop being so financially dependent on parents my practices will change and maybe ill feel less weird about it, but in some ways i hope not. im sorta glad i have so much disgust. btw she didnt mention gifts on the list so maybe

this isn't fair to her/ isn't a big deal, but it was definitely a friction point and messed with other things like willingness to do things she found fun like shopping. but that stuff would also be much different bc anxiety shift, even if i had dispositional disgust for

anywayy acts of service i def still suck ass at. partly bc i haven't had any person to really practice w probably, but also bc idk its just weird to me. at the time tho i was def super super selfish and inconsiderate, and not selfish in the self respecting way, more like exploit

BUT there is still a lot of valid critique in there that isnt just that. i def struggled w depression stuff a lot and felt very aimless and sad. i think now i have a bit more strong footing and ive had space and time to construct my grounding for myself. very important w things

like jogging for ex., it felt like it was my choice and my idea, not imposed from elsewhere. i think this one is also hard tho bc she was much more actively seeking out a positive project for fulfillment, where I still am more happy just being content and not really striving

which i think touches on some fundamental differences in values, which ive been able to solidify by reading and learning more. like there are a couple things on the list that are very productivist that ive become very dissolutioned with ("ambition, strong work ethic,

growth mindset"). this could just be difference in wording but idk the repetition seems p important. def relevant to the striving vs content perspective, and also touches on my anti-consumerism/materialism and anti-"success" type things that seemed to drive her often

which brings me to last highlighted thing, love languages of acts of service and gifts: gifts are tricky bc i am still weird with money and reading theory about commodities have not helped. prob the thing i've least "grown" on, but ykow i still have the position so i'm skeptical

i feel like now im way more capable to handle things by myself, and even though i still have anxiety its like fundamentally different. now i think its a lot more in line with most people's feelings of nervousness, whereas before it was like. woah. very impeding on everyday life

I def feel "complete on my own", at least in the sense she means (plenty of individualist crip theory critiques, but i know what its referencing) overall very salient criticism, and something im glad to have grown a lot on since.

next, "strong ambition for life": "excited for things, although not overly, still realistic and practical, but enjoys life and appreciates the things that make it complex", "celebrates life with me :) bc its really cool and fun and should be appreciated"

yeah i think there still might be some mismatch here, but more in how these ideas are instantiated (ex. she might mean ambition for life as going out and hiking and appreciating nature, whereas i could experience the same intense pleasure and appreciation by reading a book)

idk i just feel a lot less angry and righteously indignant, and like ive really developed personality in a different direction. a lot less overconfident in my abilities and knowledge, and much more aware of my reliance on others

idk honestly i think i just sort of discovered empathy? which is weird to say but i feel like it happened. i think i was super fucking logic brain and how fucking awful im so sorry yikes

ok next, independence: "not too reliant on me, do not want to feel like I'm a babysitter", "someone who is complete on their own" i mean can't say it better than that, i def did not live up to those criteria

suuuuper dependent, honestly such a fundamental shift in character after breakup its hard to imagine it. that must have been absolutely draining and was entirely unfair. i was keeping her at arms length often but still demanding so much care