thats my first intuition but i have to fight back against that bc even if you dont need 1 partner to fulfill everything, it can still be nice and cool to connect with your relationships in ways that matter to them*

with that out of the way, ill start w/ respectful: at the time, i was absolutely fucking horrendous at communicating (even worse than i thought yikes) and was super aggressive in convos where i was convinced i was right. super fucking cringe, super fucking gross.

i think ive grown in this way? which is odd to say bc i haven't really had a ton of new interactions but i think this space has really enriched my character in a lot of important ways, even if that seems a little counterintuitive.

not to say that i think we should have stayed together necessarily, there were still some deep issues that would possibly impossible to resolve, but wow i could have communicated so so so so much better and we could have talked about stuff that was actually important

AHHHHHHHH shes trying SO HARD and i am making things SO DIFFICULT??? WHY?>?>?

ok so she made this great list of things that were super important for her that she didn't feel like matched up very well and i wanna go through them (esp the highlighted ones)

*but first i wanna acknowledge change in perspective ive had since about RA stuff. i dont feel the need for everything to be attached to one life partner, so a lot of the things that are *lacking* on the list my solution is just to find other relationships that fill that void,

maybe i was just having a slump or something?? but wow jesus christ what the fuck this is actually really hard to read. shes being super mature and putting a ton of effort in and im like 100% phoning it in jesus. this is the first time i've actually read through

the texts leading up to break up (that i can remember? maybe i did right after?) but yeah yeeeesh this is so fucking shit

at the time i think i was super arrogant and wayyyyy over confident fucking philosophy bro cringelord and wow jesus christ is shows. she was actually communicating so well and i was just all over the place. this is actually super embarrassing.

I don't know why I always feel like developmentally behind her but wow it really shows after giving some space between.

re reading texts between gail and HOLY FUCK I WAS ACTUALLY THE WORST WHAT THE FUCK. SERIOUSLY>>>???????

like i was horrendous at communication and she was actually so fucking patient and the one doing a lot of serious reflection and shit, and i was just constantly missing the point and being a fucking asshole what the fuck

i was kinda cute in hs lol

It’s actually pretty astounding how quickly my I shift from being an anxious mess to feeling confident

Lmfao christians are truly oppressed by roblox censorship

??? These views holy shit. were so fucked

another ex is like she asked what other clubs i was in and i could have said i go to DSA sometimes, but mostly just listen because theyre heavily neokaut marxist influence and im more anarchist. but even saying dsa comes with baggage maybe and explaining further is just

even more of a thing and they wont know or care lol. but still being more vulnerable and transparent helps people feel comfy around you in return, its just hard for me to take that leap first. but ppl like to hear things youre passionate about and otherwise its just zz small talk

they even brought up and mentioned like political shit (CRT and school stuff) so im sure if i leaned into that more id be fine im just really surfing in a weird zone idk and like 80% if not all of it is self imposed. i just dont wanna alienate people but its hard when im unsure

ill be okay, im glad im thinking this through bc now hopefully i can let it be processed and not dwell. i genuinely had good time and it was interesting to hear them talk too. a bit uncomfy experience but its good! def glad i did it and nice opportunity to branch and yeah

its ok to be a bit uneasy, its good to work through and let myself feel emotions instead of trying to suppress and hide away.

;LAKSDJF;LKJ aghghgh now im remembering even more cringe someone was talking about their certificates stuff and comparing w me and brought up global health and i said my ex did that and aghghgh so weird i feel idk maybe not ugh i just hate that in between zone

like w ren i was able to just be giga honest right away and we flowed super well yk but this shit is way too hard irl i cant do small talk stuff bc the stuff i actually care about is like big picture shit!!!

like this applies to all the hypotheticals so far, any policy practice, like so so so much but bro its like so boring not to mention it for me gah idk

if it was smaller group that met more often id be like ya for sure but idk

also fuuuuuck dude i dont wanna seem like know it all cringe smart person bc im not like ughghghg., i wanna say my genuine answers to things like "there are a number of problems with even posing hypotheticals like this" and cite like virtue ethics critiques of particulars

and could bring up how in the initial meeting they talked about trolley problem even though that was literally a critique of what they were doing but gahhhhhh like thats so pretentious and all the shit they find is gonna come in that form and that just feels so fucked.

Oh yeah fuck oh my god wtf I had this moment where I did break through and was extra honest: they were talking about the boy sitting next to me and I said “he had pretty eyes” LOL they rolled with it but I’m pretty sure it was like lolwut rip. Much rather would’ve talked about

Anarchy lol. Update on cool people: Emily, McKenna, Exec I walked home with that I don’t know name of (yikes). Everyone else, I either am ambivalent or dont like (including pretty eyes boy I hated what he had to say)

Potential name after looking at GroupMe: Vila? Can’t tell honestly can’t rememeber face wow great work me lol

Like if I was really honest I know I could have made conversation but it felt like too much (ex she asked for feedback about two options for next meeting and we talked about a policy for assisted suicide one and I wanted to be like “I feel like ethics is really hard to mix with

Policy because it makes a bunch of assumptions about what structures exist (capitalism, the state) and at that point there might not be a truly ethical policy” and that DEF would have started convo but like ?? I feel like wayyy too harsh idk, idk how to balance small talk stuff)

Also hard bc I didn’t know how long we’d be walking (but now I do so next time) so I didn’t wanna like start something yk

Fck anyway lots of anxiety brain cringing but w/e I had good time and it was good practice and challenge

Anyway I was really awkward fucuucjckckck the main exec girl just kept asking me questions (which thank god) but I like never asked any back

I had nice time and they were really cool I was just a little weird I think

Like I was honest it just didn’t flow super well idk :// fun but hard challenge

BUT I did that thing I do where I just stick around after things and people start chatting w me Idk weird thing but it works

And I actually ended up walking home with this group of 4 other girls (oh ya the meeting was super women dominated population) which included Emily and McKenna but the rest were new to me but p sure they were execs

Uhhhhhh fck fck I feel kinda weirddddd gahhhhh awk

Went to bioethics meeting and there were more people this time, I was pretty uncomfy in meeting

Split up into small groups and I got to talk w Emily again which was nice but didn’t really say much, felt kinda uninformed and prob only said like 3 things for the hour

Just wanted to update, think I’ve come out of my slump. Read a book this morn, The Politics of Total Liberation (a good one)

Don’t really feel like diagnosing what went wrong rn, just sorta happy I’m out of it. Would like to revisit DSA drama at some point just to finish my takeaways after some distance, again not really bc it was important to me but just bc proximity and case study of principles

first attempts at making a carrd, p fun to mess around with

also still impacts me a lot a lot today still. prob large part of why im so anxious and unfamiliar with many things in the world, everything seems so complicated and unapproachable

and there was never really this fostering of creativity and questioning of the world that made curiousity seem like a positive thing. instead it was consistently shot down