on the topic of thinking about gail stuff, something i would like to note is how beneficial this period of time has been to me

im not sure whether to embrace this and just be chill with it? bc in a way it feels off like that ship has sailed sis - but also it feels weird to like actively root it out?

its also probably more problematic for me than most bc thats been my main "romantic" and sexual experience and it lasted for a long part of me, so kind of my only reference for a lot of real world experience stuff

so for now i am concluding its alright, even tho might feel a little like i am obsessing, i think its fair amount of thought given my life, they just def stand out ig

i was listening to a streamer in the background and they were talking about the differences in body types for different sports, like how cross country runners are actually very skinny and not very muscular bc extra weight is not helpful

and they talked about how soccer players had muscular legs bc they needed more explosive bursts and i literally went hnnnnngggg 🤤WHY HAHAHA ITS SO BAD

fuck dude lately ive been internally simping hard for gail lol wtf

its half very funny but half like hey wtf chill out

and then i think about she would scold me like chilllllll sometimes w sexy stuff and i melt 🥺 lol wtf is wrong with me

I’ll see if they send out the slides so I can post them here for history, it’s pretty hilarious

There was even this moment in the slides where he describes a bunch of social programs and the slides literally say “some people would say this sounds like capitalism, but it’s different” lol

Idk I’ve gotta do some historical reading for Lenin and soc dem theory bc maybe they’re just presenting it poorly but this shit is hilarious after already being familiar with anarchist critiques

The objections were hilarious too. Some people were confused that he was talking about revolution at all bc he was so reformist (and to be fair, when pressed, he danced around it like a motherfucker)

“Wouldnt the people in power block this stuff” LOOOOL The response was even better tho “They would but we wouldn’t” Holy shit I’m crying dude no materialist analysis literally just evil money ppl bad and when we come to power it’ll be different no way hahahaha

My favorite part was black and queer attendees asking about intersectionality and the white male speaker and another white male leader was just like “yeah that’s important but we’re focusing on the economic and it would be apart of the new constitution”

And they kept getting pushed (very lightly tho) like how in any meaningful or material way and they were just like “we’d just include it bro” no way dude

Other gems include their praxis being “building a working class party *like the DSA*” lol

Lmao I was so fucking right oh my fucking god Karl Kautsky Co op Capitalism Nationalize some stuff

Dank memes dude holy shit

Windy cold weather + punk (no ca$h) + walk home is nice :)

Also I def got my groove back after reading manga for a bit, only took like 2 volumes

Idk why but that activity just hit exactly right, not too intellectually engaging, just cute and relaxing

Attending a YDSA talk tonight titled “what will socialism look like?” And I’m ready to be disappointed

Predictions: 1. The USSR was based actually (at least in theory) 2. Social Democracy 3. Spicy Social Democracy (Dengism) 4. Collectivist “worker MoP” definition 5. “Class abolition” definition understood as universal proletarization (except the epic vanguard revolutionaries)

It’s being given by someone I think is a bit more well read in Marxism but I don’t know in what direction so we’ll see

also valkyrae is having a bunch of drama rn for the blue light skincare scam and it would be really interesting to see what gail thinks lmfao

nvm found my groove listening to k-indie and reading Bloom Into You manga

:)

still stuck in this rut. its not even like i feel like i have to be productive or something, its more like im not enjoying leisure activities either. its kinda annoying :/

Idk also been having the depression thoughts of like non existence being compelling and that’s a bit annoying

Don’t think I want anything in particular just a bit sad for now and that’s okay

I’ve been feeling really restless but also really tired and overwhelmed. Like I want to do something but I’m too depressed and tired to do anything of substance, so I just watch mindless YouTube or something

I’m cold and want physical intimacy and that’s the second time I’ve felt like that recently after not really feeling that way for a while

Idk I think school is just getting to me and not having something I’m able to be passionate and social about, like I’m missing an important bit of intellectual social interaction

Grocery shopping and she was there, she had like partially dyed hair (cool) (but it was like subtle like just the ends/lower part was tan/light brown) (shut up it was pretty)

I didn’t notice her but she said my name. I was like oh hi and went for a hug or just walked closer and she went “ew, no” (LMFAO) she had friends there too

Then we texted for like 5 mins I don’t remember what and then the dream veered away and got weird

👏no more thinking about gail before you to go sleep 👏 you will dream about her 👏

I haven’t been updating very much recently, I think Ive been partially overwhelmed and partially sad and partially just not feeling like reflecting. Food has been weird I don’t really wanna talk about it

School has been shit. stopped going to DSA stuff at least temporarily. Exercise weird too. Everything feels off and I’m kinda just done. Wanna withdrawal from everything for a bit but don’t have the space

Idk how to feel about still thinking about gail sometimes. I think it’s healthy and okay probably, like cutting out someone from your thoughts just seems pretty ridiculous and forcing it would be unhealthy

Like even if gail was dead like if I could never see her again much less get back together with her, I’d almost for sure still have thoughts like this. So I def don’t think it’s like some underlying need to get back together, I’m just remembering and thinking about

Someone who played a prominent role in my life for many years.

Watched Wolf Children anime movie and kept thinking about how funny it would be to watch it with Gail. The furry moments are actually hilarious and often super cringe even tho I liked it overall, like the wolf having weird human hair or being edgy for no reason

got feedback, pointed out that the quotes actually werent contradictory and thats def true, i shouldve said something like "rousseau doesn't think direct democracy can work, despite being sympathetic, but malatesta proposes a model that can solve rousseau's worries"

feelin a bit depressi today. skipped all my classes, watching anime, avoiding doing heavy reading.

someone used "they" as a pronoun for me when most people would normally have used "he" :)) happy moment

Lmfao some guy just justified private property by saying it’s biologically inherent not just to humans but all animals

Had a really weird dream where my dad was throwing knives at us on the trampoline. Gail was there too lol idk