it's not just that i'm depressed - been there, done that. it just all feels so much more hopeless now. at least in high school and college in the back of my mind i knew it was all temporary, but what am i supposed to do now that there is no end in sight? this is the rest of my life.

this is all life has to offer. i could repeat this routine until i die, easily. no big milestones, no big life shifts left. of course that's a little naive, and i could choose to make significant changes if i made certain choices, but none that meaningfully change the core loop.

and that's not to say the past was good, or that life shifts are inherently good. it's that i could at least pretend or dream that the paradigm shift would qualitatively improve my wellbeing. even though i never actually did that, and never had any expectation that things would improve, at least

the uncertainty left the door open for improvement to occur on accident. i should have ended it before knowing, it was not worth experiencing. i still can end it now before it's too late.

my life is lacking vitality in a way that i don't feel like it ever has before. i feel trapped and stuck and i don't care about anything anymore, if i ever did. it's not just a fleeting feeling or situation, it's all consuming. the distractions are insufficient, i want out of this existence.

a bit dramatic there bud. chill out, it's nbd. you'll get over it and you won't do shit. it's pathetic and boring and pitiable to some extent, but you'll be fine.

if you're gonna whine about your sadness the least you can do is be a bit more creative with your expression of it. it's quaint and pedestrian and unbearable to slog through. even that's not right - 'slog' implies a density and weightiness that is severely lacking.

it would be a great relative success for my writing to evoke anything more than a spiritless sigh or listless eye roll at sentiments seen thousands of times before. but even that reaction implies an unwarranted level of emotional investment

these comments are less about the nominal public nature of the platform i'm on and more about how sickening i find my own creations

i would say i don't love the hog rework but honestly there's nothing they could do to make me happy. when i say i miss ancient hog, i really mean i miss ancient overwatch.

don't worry everyone, i have forever given up on being interesting in programming. it turns out i am far too stupid.

cya in a few weeks when i catch the bug again

the first two seasons of You 2018 are bad in an enjoyable way, and the third is just boring

delilah was the best character

which isn't saying much since they all sucked but yknow, give props where its due

sorry jay i don't know how to talk to you

everyone i interact with is a collection of platitudes and cliches

newtypes: being succinct is fascism (the newtypes are correct)

“Not every linear lexical thinker could have become Hitler, but a particle of Hitler is lodged in every linear lexical thinker.” - Iwakura Lain

mad respect to her for not being manipulated by my extremely obvious and pathetic faux OD attempt to avoid responsibility

i should keep razors in my backpack, i’m too tired to self harm by the time i get home

“don’t be afraid to say ‘i don’t know’!! :D” brother my entire job is to pretend like i know what im talking about, there’d be nothing left

i’m so uncomfy i wanna scream i hate myself

now is about the right emotional state to rexie relapse but i don’t think my brain and body can afford the luxury at the moment

i was right about this btw

i’m too tired to even be sad i’m pretty sure my heart beat 3 times more than it was supposed to today

cringecringecringecringecringecringecringecringecringecringe harpoons of cringe stabbing my fucking heart cringe cringe cringe cringe

do you think if i cut out my tongue i'd get fired

imsorryimsorryimsorry

imtrying

with people like this in my comments, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing for my channel to get permanently banned

i haven't used my actual computer in over 2 days and coming back it feels weird and wrong and not comforting and that's scary scary scary scary scary scary bad. it's the only home i have and i don't want to lose it. i feel like i'm clinging for anything i can to ground myself but it's just not there

ngl im extraordinarily overwhelmed

but what else is new

my sleep is so fucked

only finally fell asleep at 6am, woke up at 9:50 and somehow magically made it to the office for my 10:00

how is my brothers cpu 105 C at idle

honestly more impressed the whole pc hasn’t melted at this point

my brother in christ it is 5:20 and pitch black outside wym good afternoon

it’s genuinely baffling how people expect philosophy to be immediately reducible to propositions in common parlance. sometimes yes, you will have to do the homework to understand, i’m sorry. i can help get you to the right level of abstraction or provide some historical background,

but it might take a bit of time and effort on your part.

and especially if it’s a worthwhile author or the topic is remotely related to aesthetics, the presentation is a constituent element of the message

grappling with the ideas a little bit yourself and reflecting is less fun than shouting “yay” / “nay” at bald and dead husks but it might be worthwhile if you actually care about understanding

idk the philosophical conversation has never been my forte. there always seems to be a mismatch in some essential metric, and the time constraint imposed by the mode of interaction is a travesty for meaningful thought. -thus said the coping pseud autist

this experiment has been disastrously successful. i’m uncomfortable and suspicious with how well its worked out. i fear it would not have been possible without my recent normification. what a distasteful misfortune.

it definitely wouldn’t be possible if bluesky was a bigger platform. i just hope they last long enough to implement a data export feature for posterity

tfw you still have an anxiety disorder you’ve just gotten better at masking, coping, and avoiding that you forget sometimes (until it becomes unavoidably obvious once more)

(in busy, bougie, italian restaurant for kayleen’s birthday, it’s awful and i’m deeply uncomfortable)