i’m depressed and tired and on edge. i want to not be here.

i am miserable

goodbye me, i’ll miss you this week

comfort is the death of excellence - the reader of a book already read is decadent and stagnant

one who never revisits a work understands nothing.

the overwhelming cult of conformity is revolting and suffocating

i am not innocent by any means; complaint is heinous given my weakness and complicity

nearly all of my communication is severely narcissistic, selfish, and extractive in nature

my interactions with my family are incredibly odd because i have an inordinate amount of power and influence. they’re desperate to have me around and no longer have any power to coerce me to do so.

they’ll listen to me talk about anything, and in stark contrast to the rest of my life i gleefully and greedily hog the spotlight. i become a bully, pushing the boundaries of what conversations they are comfortable with, i am frequently hostile and sharp with my words - even if the tone is all jest

this is all observation, not evaluation. i’m not sure if i’d like to change any of it, even if it is rather peculiar

the last vestiges of obligation i have yet to fling off are birthdays and christmas, and these are for my own benefit. i get better commodities that i give, and so going through the motions is worth it. but even then ive begun entirely skipping extended family events, which has been lovely.

it’s actually extremely fun exercising the power i have to get away with things. they beg to be around me to no avail, and then i will show up unannounced at random times. they’re never upset, just surprised and caught off guard. i enjoy asserting my will in this way and watching them accommodate.

it’s possible this is a very compensatory set of behaviors - growing up, i had no control and was subject to their whims and authority, but now the position is flipped.

it might be comforting in a way by fulfilling unconscious psychic needs for both of us. after a series of estrangements and parental failures, they’ll eagerly take whatever they can get, and i get to relive my teen years with the inconsiderateness and irreverence without any of the consequences

while it is fun, i dislike that my enjoyment is still dependent on them to some extent. or more to the point, the fact that i derive enjoyment from it stems from my own weaknesses and shortcomings (assuming my diagnosis is correct). there’s no need to forgive, but not being motivated by it would be

a shift in a positive direction. that’s not necessarily to say any concrete actions themselves will change, as i think they’re currently fairly overdetermined (i’m lazy, im comfortable enough around them to speak directly, i lack respect for them and think i am smarter than them, etc.)

but addressing the features that give rise to the symptom of enjoying those behaviors in certain ways with a specific interpretation seems like it would be a good thing if my goal is to actually lessen their power over me

that being said i probably won’t give it much thought beyond this thread, but tbh that’s probably enough of a reflective kickstart at least for now - unveiling the motivations fairly significantly reduces the allure on its own

current mood:

another day another youtube ban

if i'm grumpy for the next lil bit you know why :D

the lassalle fan club stays winning

current language comfortability tierlist: lua (the mf goat) javascript (annoying but familiar) mumps (lmao, yeah i know) python (been a while) bash (infrequent scripting) c (very limited experience) what a bizarre mish mash, and im not good at a single one (but im having fun!!!!!)

i should prob just pick one and run with it for a while to git gud but i’m just following my whimsical fleeting passions rn sooo

i don’t trust girl streamers that have their hair in front of the headphone band - yes darling ur gorgeous but i refuse to believe ur comfy :(

i’m too tall for my shower ._.

i have turned evil and started learning JS and bruh who named half this shit or decided the syntax? it's unbearable. pop?? shift?? ugly and inconvenient colons and semicolons for no reason. even if i didn't know the war crimes JS has committed against the denizens of the wired i would hate it.

also i'm aware i haven't earned the ability to critique yet but idc this page is for my lil throwaway takes uwu

so based

i was reading the documentation again yesterday at work and that was such a raw line that i just opened up my work laptop so i could find exactly where it was lmao

having 4 different versions can be a lil confusing to find, but the redundancy is sometimes super nice bc the same content is explained in different ways

also it's fun the see the writing style evolve over time - much more first person and casual in v1

turns out you crash really hard running on no sleep and caffeine

the ideas in question: local function get_msg_table(user,channel) local time, date = get_time_date() local msg = get_msg() return {time,date,user.unsme,user.uid,channel.id,channel.name,msg} end local function save_msg(user,channel) local t = get_msg_table local file = io.open(“users/“..uid..”.lua”)

girls will post mock up code in bed to bsky instead of getting up and writing it properly

it’s broken rn but i ran out of characters

also it’s not even the interesting part lmfao it’s just management

but!!! it’s coooool because everyyyything is a table

slept for 3 hours, too many ideas to go back to sleep

changing my ios keyboard to not use caps last week was like the greatest increase in comff, can’t believe it took me 8+ years

even if some of Heaven Knows feels like a return to form for pinkpantheress, even at its best it feels so much more hollow than to hell with it

i was already in bed but i had too many ideas so i stayed up for a few hours writing them out

it was really cool tho, now that i’m branching out from mpv apis im learning the language a lot better. i only had to reference the docs a few times, otherwise it just flowed

how can i be expected to sleep when instead i could be creating a local cli chat program that uses txt files as its database

it’s so scuffed and stupid lmao but i’m having fun

the zoophilia article is honestly just boring, banal, incoherent, analytic nonsense (intuition? rights? hedonic utilitarianism? autonomy? consent-bloating? all of the above!), but it’s obviously correct with the individual battles it takes within the respective domains

it does have some big misses tho - like the quote does not support this argument and it’s very weak ground. there are a few places like this where they try to lean on the differences between humans and animals that i think fall completely flat.

all this to say, it’s pretty much the most you could expect given the tradition and audience they’re writing for

i don’t understand Deck users at all, but i’m so glad Valve is still pushing them for the sake of linux