vim is hard and i am noob, i shouldve just forced myself to learn this when i had more time

it’s really annoying how oriented around jobs the programming community is. like i just love the craft and wanna improve and all people talk about is jobsjobsjobsjobjobs

and i get it, like every skill has to be about that to some extent, it can’t be divorced from the economic context of the world - but CS is just rabidly and eagerly talking about labor at every possible turn

dawg no shot they put a 'for you' section on channel pages jfc. it's trivial to block but still absurd to have an ever-burgeoning proportion of all websites be algorithmic recommendation. i don't want your brain worms!!!!

I like all the little vocal and verbal habits I’ve picked up from people over the years, a cute reminder when I talk of how intimately and irrevocably they’ve touched my life even if we no longer interact

girl who says “b smile” out loud to herself in reference to B) : i gotta skeet about this

1. go to group meeting to get help with issue i’m having 2. spend whole time dwelling on how or when to say something 3. leave the hour long meeting without saying a single word i couldn’t even focus on fixing stuff myself bc i was so anxious

rainy driving + watering daycore

what about it?

i would be a significantly different person if it weren't for the guy i worked with in high school that exposed me to heavy metal, overwatch, and a deeply cynical worldview

honestly probably had a larger influence on my development of an eating disorder and general trajectory in life than i'd care to admit

not sure why i'd be reticent - i suppose it just feels quaint and diminutive to be so impressionable, and that that influence has such large ripples that i couldn't untangle myself from even if i wanted to

but it's also clearly far too simplistic a model - but the connection is clear enough to say there is some causal relation, and it's interesting to explore from that lens

despite being a vertical tab diehard for years, i’m just now coming around to appreciate tree tabs

having a record of thoughts here makes me seem significantly more unwell than i feel

choking myself and the constriction and tightness is comforting, but I run into an ugly feature (features) of my neck and it’s disgusting and now i wanna cry

im embarrassed and stupid and trying im sorry

do you know who you're talking to? you're looking at the proud creator of a script that extract an ass file from a mkv and turns it into a formatted txt (using lua's bootleg regex) so yeah, a moron

(i struggled for hours but made it through PinocchioP's discography and it was cozy)

resolving already solved and trivial problems in worse ways, it never gets old

Since getting a job, life has moved unbearably slow. Not the pace overall, if anything I’ve been extremely hectic and busy, and now experience time in a completely different way (shoutout Postone on Newtonian time) - but moreso measured in terms of interesting thoughts.

I’m thinking all the time now, but it’s all just chatter and nonsense. In part, the problem is how packed things are. With more time, you have the energy, ability, and desire to discover the profundity in mundanity.

In college sometimes it felt like every day was an opportunity to grow and make new observations, but now my brain just feels dull and lifeless. I feel my most active and alive when at my most sedentary, and now that option has been stripped away from me.

cry more homo, you’re just dumb and have art school dropout energy with none of the creativity. you have no teleology except Labor, and should be grateful to be alienated from your species-being - it’s the only purpose you serve. you’re pathetic, whiny, and privileged. shut the fuck up.

But fr I kinda get it now why there’s so much dogshit philosophy, it’s excruciating to come up with a modicum of wisdom under modern conditions

I’m so hype about it being dark earlier now

oh look it’s the purples

sunday syndrome still goes so hard. one of the all time greats

aspirationally gaunt

i'm self conscious about my typing speed

i like to save old code i write - even if its worthless and unproductive, i enjoy having a historical record of the failure

golden age of lofi pre-over-saturation was super comfy, its charming and quaint looking back

installing 12 firefox forks and replicating my config just to feel something

wearing the bracelet she made me today and all these years later it’s still the most fitting accessory i’ve ever had

she understood and appreciated me in ways no one has since

i’m severely dehydrated and haven’t eaten all day, too much work to do today to bother with these corporeal trivialities … but now i hav headache 🤕

today is not gonna be fun also when bsky getting gifs

i have not slept and just impulsively bought a new ssd

job has fucked up how i msg ppl online which is rly sad bc it used to be my fav mode of communication

now feels instrumental, like I’m checking off boxes and desperately trying to keep my to inbox clear

i knew things like this would happen but it’s still incredibly depressing having my personality carved and mangled into docility and productivity

i don’t care that I’m more “outgoing” in some cases and that it has some benefits. Like yeah I’ve acquired some new powers of course, but at the expense of crowding out others, and these powers are not primarily serving my interests. pro-sociality is cancer, i want to go back home. not safe here.

depressed low-t bitches stay winning - more time to wallow in despair and ruminate on all my imperfections

*gets 4 hours of sleep* *spends 9 hours in a heightened state of anxiety and dread at work* “Why am i so tired?”