i hear what you're saying, and new willow wants to be cordial, but i basically don't believe in any of the concepts you're invoking. so i kinda have to do my own thing here i think

okay wait i actually have an idea

im gonna curtail bsky usage a bunch, and probably dms a bunch too. #diary in the burrow is my new home. a lot of this mess is very much wrapped up in the fact that i have an audience, even if that's just an audience of 1.

i haven't had a good isolation arc in a while, and i don't know if i'm capable of it any longer, but if i want to actually get in touch with less masked me that's where i have to start.

goal 1: quit my job goal 2:

:(

i feel very small all of the time. i dont feel worth very much. i don't like me very much. i frankly incredibly embarrassed and humiliated and disappointed with what i've become

like the thing is, i've been saying it for years at this point. my life froze after college in a lot of meaningful ways. i knew it would, i haven't been able to get it back. i don't like the deformations i've acquired and i feel powerless to stop them.

so yeah, if it means loosening up the boundaries and being less strict with what "i" want, then so be it. anything to get some motion back

it won't be satisfying. i won't endorse it, i won't feel proud. but it will be an experience, and that's something ig. i don't know what else to do.

in case it isn't clear i don't believe any of the things i'm saying right now either but if i don't spit random things out then i'll just remain silent. which is overwhelmingly comfortable and i desperately want it but i can't do that

no please continue, youre very welcome here

many such cases

i agree with kasey on this too but willow doesnt

i think ive just lost my grip a lot on what my desires are, or at least im incredibly apprehensive to confidently state them. like even simple things, last night i was talking to diza and eris and i couldnt talk about what music i liked

part of the reason the last while has gone relatively smoothly is because im just fluid. theres nothing to break because theres no backbone anywhere. whether its work or love or my passions my answer is consistently that i will be pliant, perform the action, and not endorse any of it

yes completely of course. which i think i also haven't squared away in my approach, like because *i* can take on whatever own weird burden i place on myself, but i see the reactions of everyone who does get it as entirely justified

and its a funny example because i could actually totally imagine myself agreeing to that at this point. i would go to the bright light store and have the connection. and it would be imperfect and i would put up with it, and wouldnt communicate. which is bad, but

like at what point do i flip the switch and be honest? i try to slowly make myself known ig. and also for a while ive been sorta reinventing myself so i havent stayed as hard and fast to old willow traits. like even this conversation i actually feel like im lying and i just dont know lmfao

i dont have an identity so ill play with any and all of your masks for a while. but then it comes back to:

you've seen the fluctuations, youve seen the returns. you know my habits so you know when im masking, and by this i mean explicitly, noticeably, actually self-harmingly masking. and you can try to protect me but no one will understand, and i appreciate it anyway. pls dont stop because ur all i have

i think ive just been struggling with this a lot lately. i don't engage with anyone on their own terms anymore, because its too hard to find people that will get it. so im just constantly running an emulator in my head and its lowkey exhausting

so like yes of course youre right, but i feel like i just ignore it or play pretend and dance it all because none of that stuff matters to me

like yes, they don't get it, no one gets it, its sad. but if i foreclosed on every relationship that didn't get it, i wouldnt have anyone. so i ignore it, i tolerate it, maybe i slowly introduce some willowisms. but mostly i just play pretend and enjoy what i can

im too fucking cordial capybara appeasement syndrome now, i just dont have that fire in me anymore. im delicate and so is everyone else and the world is scary so most of the time i just want to find my burrow with people i can love now

it's so cool how we parallel type the same thing

but yea i think i also recognize that theres a willow learning curve and like, trying to get someone to realize that self harm is sacred and precious is just a hard sell i think

mhmhmhm i mean i was just coming at it with the angle of, i cant expect every person around to be familiar with my idiosyncrasies, you're absolutely right that in the context of me it's one of the most offensive things you can do

sorry i got distracted www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-RC...

nothing new for kaseys

lmao yea you know me

as long as it’s not geometry we’re chill

i now outsource my geometry to kasey, bonus points if it’s hyperbolic

every time violet replies “hmmm” you know you fucked up

i never was very good at discrete math

(this is a lie i did fine, it’s a metaphor)

even when you’re saying things that aren’t 1:1,

!!! handle works

hm i keep trying to find answers to the wrong questions

hello handle.invalid

i actually have no clue how you come away with that interpretation

i would say open the schools, but, well

🫡

chat who should i vote for as metropolitan school district school board member seat 3

philosophically i’m very opposed to being a capybara but in practice i just can’t bring myself to care enough about the things others do enough

this isn’t actually a contradiction tho because what i’m philosophically opposed to is some strong sense of neutrality, not just, yknow, not going out of my way to nuke things

that’s awesome kasey

your cats like me btw