actually i realize ive had chest stuff going on for a while, contrary to what i said the other day. i dont know if its really dysphoria, because that feels like a bit term and its not like that bad, but i mean there definitely has been a shift in my understanding and relationship

to my chest. I can often but not always interpret my chest as breasts? which is sorta weird that it is like modes of thinking, very conditioned by gender binary stuff. but yeah it feels really warm and nice to think of myself in that way, where normally i guess i just feel

i hate my body in theory but then i look in the mirror and feel ok (only when wearing lots of clothes actually seeing skin is sad). This demonstrates that marx was mistaken and idealism was correct all along. in this essay i will

made this for muz lol

lol im so tired and i hate my body :/ having a rough go rn. dont feel like i can relax. also funny news i got 10/10 on my garbage presentation lmao in case we needed any more proof that grades are useless

wanna die :/

oh i wanna add this so i feel like i am accurately conveying and not just like ego boost cringe post. my face got flushed im pretty sure and i felt embarrassed in the moment, and i undoubtedly looked sorta melancholic walking away but when i got back in my place and reflected

it immediately was very odd and funny to me. honestly more than anything i think i was embarrased to have my dad hear that (im sure he did as he was standing right in the next doorway trying to say goodbye to me lol, i never responded bc of this happening)

it is probably pretty odd to see your son like that, and im glad he didnt cause a scene or anything possibly just respecting thats what i wanted but yeah idk i hope he doesnt think thats like a normal occurrence or im constantly being bullied like im in grade school or something

says "yo man whats up with that hickey on your neck haha" hello? lmfao im so confused like why. im not even like offended im just sorta shocked that someone could actually do that lol whats wrong with you. they were wearing badger stuff for the game so maybe he was drunk ?

i have no idea but like why lol. im just some random person you just didnt have to say anything at all. and its funny because like i have clearly gotten self conscious while looking at my neck before but i guess im realizing now it was never fear of something like that happening?

like thats just such a blatant dick move its not even hurtful its more just baffling. the stuff i fear is more the polite speech but passive judgement and disgust, and thats more insidious because i can never tell the difference. if everyone was that honest i just wouldn't care

and in fact it would be super easy just to write people off. totally weird interaction that has really made me reflect on my anxiety. so if in like a year my anxiety is way better, thank the random asshole that confirmed all my priors about sports fans :P

oh just to complete the story, the girls sort of giggled (i cant tell if they were like laughing genuinely or nervously or uncomfortably? couldve been any), and i just responded "so true dude" and walked back inside. fascinating i know. very silly, idk what he expected from that

i just had the most bazaar interaction?? i was walking my dad out after he helped me in my apartment and this guy and 2 girls leave the elevator. were ahead so i open the door for my dad and everyone else. my dad and the girls walk through but the guy stops while walking and

What an odd time to look in the mirror and feel really good about myself

Just don’t wanna feel like a bother. I have anxiety about, gonna need a cute guy to tell me good job after to calm me down from :P

Gonna try to relax when I get home don’t know how tho. Hard to spend leisure time with no energy

Cute guy said good job as I was walking back to my seat tho so it’s ok lol

Honestly that little comment probably prevented me from spiraling into anxiety demon tonight so that was sweet

Really sorta makes me rethink my practice of *never talking unless spoken to ever* bc honestly that was nice

My speech to make it make sense AND there was like a teacher evaluator person there which like normally whatever idc they’re evaluating the teacher not me but it’s the head of one of my certificates like fuck so embarrassing

And I like hyper speed run fucked up my presentation and oh god it was a mess like I had to facilitate discussion for 5 mins and shit I am not good at that, very very thankful to the people that raised their hands

Horrendous experience overall 2/10

Lol I just spent an hour sweating dreading my presentation god fuck hell Seriously my heart was beating so fast fuck , didn’t help that I realized the whole thesis of my presentation was way more unclear than I thought right before class so I spent all this time panic editing

"we think x thing is bad, even though you might normally think good" and is useful for delineating a concept. but this requires a ton a ton a ton of charity on the interpreters part, and honestly thats probably a lot of the appeal for most people

I'm all down for conveying things in better ways to help people understand, but yeah this thread is really silly. also the suggestion to be more positive is like yes absolutely thats fantastic, but i feel like youre specifically using that to divert from the negative

criticism that makes you uncomfortable. as ive talked about before tho ofc i love love alternative models and ideas, and rarely do i have to defend this, but negative critique important too! their words imply they would probably agree with me, but i dont love the frame

overall just be consistent idrc which way you express it but dont be weird about your pet issue

bc also the people that like this stuff are the same people to jump on libs/normies for recoiling at "abolish school" or "abolish prison" like how dare you not know what i mean!! but also i love my family what do you mean you want to abolish them?? lmao

like first of all it clearly is a PR spin thing as the rest of the thread goes on to show, so just be honest. also if youre gonna do it for this "sensitive" thing then?? i dont see how the others are legitimate.

abolish x discourse sucks and the messaging is awful, so fine change the messaging and form, but dont pick out just your favorite pet thing lmao. In some ways I like it because its direct and if I don't understand something yet it can give me a clear direction like

which ironically is not very anti-racist considering how it clashes with decolonial critiques of rationality and objective science/ ways of knowing. cringe bro also stop trying to indoctrinate kids fr Ds and Rs just fighting over who gets to exercise authority over children

last thing: i really disagree with this lol

like honestly it could just be me wanting to feel special and being annoyed, but idk there seems to be a bit more to it? but also i could just be rationalizing.

oh and to end people watching on a positive note i really do love seeing other college people that are super adventurous and cute with their style - in some ways I wish and want, but I also just really like being comfy more than anything and don't really feel the need to show off

to others, might just feel nice for myself tho. then again my body has many problems and im going doomer mode again so i will cut it off there lol - now i move to politics cringe that I was thinking about hehe

I dont think i tweet diary'd this but i read the stamped book that my mom has to use for curriculum and meh dude just fr meh meh. i just really hate the new age progressivism shit idk but specifically the passage at the start saying like "this is facts and real shit, not opinion"

lots of jealousy, like small legs and thin fingers and really nice neck, very good skin :/ also this is a little new? at least me consciously thinking about but like a little bit of breast jealousy? like i want? but its weird bc i also very much like being flat and often feel

im not flat enough. I think probably similar to first girl where i want to be able to look like that sometimes but not always. feel very unfortunate to be trapped in my body

oh and also this has been happening for a bit but esp bad this morn, when i see guys with long hair but theyre like very masc it bothers me a lot lol. I think bc its a significant way for me to feel more feminine and then I just worry... i dont know what i worry about

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings I'd like to process and write down so I think I might just do that for a bit - probably just gonna make one giga vent thread

This morning I had a lot of experiences noticing other people and it made me feel lots of ways. First there was this very small and cute femme person that had really nice hair and like fuck sometimes i wanna feel and look like that yknow? very nice style, very clean, very small

sometimes its just hard feeling so large and I'd like to genuinely be cute not just like cute with a modifier like "cute for a guy" :/ anyway next there was this girl in my class that im like 98% sure is anorexic and idk lots of feelings seeing that

I am once again begging for progressives to stop appealing to “normality”

and yes yes yes foucault i hear you you risk reinstituting the same relationships of power and domination in new ways but the alternative is to agitate for nothing and then get disappointed when the state doesn't comply with your immaterial demands

its possible this changes later but idk so far zzzz

nvm lmao this book is a lost cause

but like when i get convinced of principles of a thing im still like ok cool now what and then the real interesting stuff begins like how do you design institutions that actually do this thing you want

which is why im so interested in alternatives to school and relationship anarchy like theres some actionable stuff you can do, its just really annoying to have people that are so smug and confident that are convinced by principles not pay any attention to how