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idk how i oscillate so sharply between prideful and dismissive / frail and emotional without feeling much dissonance at all
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there's been so much waffling about today lol
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im glad i didn't prep for that call, i know way more than i let on
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idk i think i screwed up with kasey rn, were so light on interaction

im not too pleased with the energy ive been exuding this week, hoping that connecting with people will make me feel less aimless and ungrounded

post-abandonment recap is mega cursed
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kick drums are boring but important is my take but i also don't do fancy listening things or production so who knows
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sex repulsed but only when others express their sexuality and only because it makes me think less of them intellectually

wouldn't give up being a boy for anything

wtf is happening on youtube, what do u mean "fifth wave / midwest emo" those are totally different!


im just an ineloquent little fella

not so negative !

i can't believe time just keeps passing, it's a little horrifying

my hair is all frizzy

there's this corner of campus i used to wander to and record things for ollie at, and i made my way back there today
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"if he writes you one poem, he loves you. if he writes you 100 poems, he loves poems" except it's "if he makes a mix of songs that remind him of you, he loves you. if he spends an inordinate amount of time crafting an Album Experience for you, he loves mixtapes"
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ngl i am a right-winger in all but theory

i was reticent but im allowing myself to play around with physical metaphors with danii. i have to be careful though
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oh woa i made it to o
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i keep getting screwed by no-add items, over-time items and related-multi history tables have some beneficial qualities
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the one regrettable thing about this is that i don't have a written transcript of my thoughts. i often like to record audio between myself and kasey or myself and juliet but this feels wildly inappropriate with danii. our time is just for us and no one else, not even future us.
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i sure have been posting a lot about danii lately
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everyone at work has claude derangement
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my fave desktop environment is windows explorer

car seat headrest is fine but not for me

so-called "anti-malware" software when it pegs my CPU at 80%

i think im gonna cry



i think i was also just so hellbent on being an introvert before that i never got to appreciate companionship properly

thinking abt this again
adorno, on popular music

Hollywood and Tin Pan Alley may be dream factories. But they do not merely supply categorical wish fulfillment for the girl behind the counter. She does not immediately identify herself with Ginger Rogers marrying. What does occur may be expressed as follows: when the audience at a sentimental film or sentimental music become aware of the overwhelming possibility of happiness, they dare to confess to themselves what the whole order of contemporary life ordinarily forbids them to admit, namely, that they actually have no part in happiness. What is supposed to be wish fulfillment is only the scant liberation that occurs with the realization that at last one need not deny oneself the happiness of knowing that one is unhappy and that one could be happy. The experience of the shop girl is related to that of the old woman who weeps at the wedding services of others, blissfully becoming aware of the wretchedness of her own life. Not even the most gullible individuals believe that eventually everyone will win the sweepstakes. The actual function of sentimental music lies rather in the temporary release given to the awareness that one has missed fulfillment. The emotional listener listens to everything in terms of late romanticism and of the musical commodities derived from it which are already fashioned to fit the needs of emotional listening. They consume music in order to be allowed to weep. They are taken in by the musical expression of frustration rather than by that of happiness. The influence of the standard Slavic melancholy typified by Tchaikowsky and Dvorak is by far greater than that of the most "fulfilled" moments of Mozart or of the young Beethoven. The so-called releasing element of music is simply the opportunity to feel something. But the actual content of this emotion can only be frustration. Emotional music has become the image of the mother who says, "Come and weep, my child." It is catharsis for the masses, but catharsis which ke…
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dude how come no one told me companionship was so great
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something unfortunate about taro dying is that kasey isn't really up to date on my life

"if you're scolding me you can use he/him" wait no that's too kinky

i should probably try eating something today

my lips are dry and chapped and ugly, only made worse by me anxiously biting them

i slept nearly 9 hours and don't feel rested at all
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meh im trying to make up for being boring by just typing things anyway and it's making it worse
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surprisingly painless addition
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i don't really feel like talking to danii tonight, it's too pathetic when all ive done since we last spoke is sleep and work

okay ngl this was the worst spontaneous 7am-8pm shift ever
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i was pulled aside and asked about my pronouns
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