i love overwatch sometimes

in some ways i wish i had more vocabulary and theoretical background to describe the emotions i feel, but i'm also scared of cultivating that knowledge. if i do have new metaphors available to me, i'm scared that will funnel the experiences i have into a narrow set of categories

even describing it that way is missing part of why its so harrowing: it's not as if i independently have experiences and then subsequently interpret them - the interpretation is always already there, mediating the way i feel.

so its not just my takeaways from the experience that are altered, but the experience itself too.

but then the obvious next step is ask "oh so it's already mediated, what's the harm in incorporating new metaphors and vocabulary?" which yeah that's fair, i'm probably just being lazy. i think it's also the intentionality that scares me, runs into the paradox of pragmatism

the real way to do this is probably just 'organically' branch out to new aesthetic experiences: read more, talk more, listen more, see more, write more. i just don't know if i care enough right now to pursue that.. makes me kinda sad bc i think before getting a job i would have :( im so tired now

thats a bit disingenuous tho, i have plenty of time if i want to do it. i'm just weak and unintelligent and lack motivation. it would be cool to be smart but i'm really just lazy and cowardly. i don't aspire to greatness, and that's fine, but not being great feels humiliating and pathetic

At the same time, it’s a bit simplistic to act like it’s exclusively a positive thing to acquire new way ti express myself. There are different degrees of mediation, and different latent tendencies or habits different types lend themselves to.

One main worry is diminishing the frequency and severity of “this metaphor is unsatisfying” I’ll move too quickly to trying to cognitively describe my feelings instead of experiencing them more viscerally, which is something I already struggle with.

one skill i lack is the ability to end a conversation. part of this is definitely midwestern goodbye syndrome. another part is that i don't really get frustrated enough with people to storm out - but even when i used to get angry, i would just keep on arguing

i either enjoy the linguistic back and forth so much, or it takes so much mental energy to perform minimally adequately, that i forget the scope of available actions is not limited to the internal rules of reciprocal speech-acts

with online dms its confusing too - deciding whether or not to respond is rly tricky, even excluding the actual content of what to say (which im abhorrent at too lol). even when i make my choice the decision lingers in my brain and i think about it for a while after

i get so caught up in proper etiquette that i lose sight of enjoying the interaction at all, and i'm constantly on edge that i'm performing something wrong. it's not just unfounded anxiety either - i am genuinely bad at it lol

i'm not good at it, i don't enjoy it, other people don't really enjoy it because i'm not very good at it - why bother? and yet it's kinda necessary for existence, so i just stumble through and meet my social needs while trying to minimize the pain and confusion

the counter-productive thing is that i actually enjoy reflecting on these interactions as failures and sitting with the uncomfy, kinda like what i'm doing now. i'm not sure i want to change, but i'm not really committed to staying the same either. but ig that's my outlook on most things

i'm incredibly reticent to write anything down or argue for something that i don't have a thorough background in, and that makes it really difficult to 1) form connection with others 2) learn from community 3) concretize my understanding. I suppose the last one is the problematic double edged sword

that i'm trying to avoid - "what if i reinforce an incorrect understanding?" though i'd be lying if i also wasn't hugely motivated by not appearing ignorant in front of others. i'm scared and cowardly and stupid as a result - and my interests appear even more narrow than they are because I'll only

be willing to talk about a small subset of them. idk i'm incredibly ambivalent about what to do with this, and I have been for a while, so i probably will just continue to not resolve it and be uncomfortable

i'm still really anxious about communicating anything actually, commenting, posting, any communication that isn't dming is actually incredibly uncomfortable and relatively new behavior for me (dming makes me uncomfy and anxious too but its a different kind)

fucking up my recently fixed sleep sched just for the lolz

it's actually ruining my enjoyment of the podcast to quibble over myself with the comments, i'm gonna cry

i'm going insane writing a book report in n0's comment section about marx every month, it has to end here

i keep editing the second post over and over again; i hope i got it to be a good place now

the tricky bit about SNLT is that it's the measure for abstract labor, which is predicated upon generalized commodity production, and concrete labor is merely the manifestation of abstract labor. SNLT isn't just a way to dodge mudpies, it's integral to understanding how and why capitalism works.

the only reason why concrete labor takes place at all is to be the mediated form of abstract labor, which is the way capital gets valorized. in this way, random expenditure of human powers (i.e. mudpies) isn't even concrete labor as such,

because the expenditure is not the manifestation of abstract labor, and therefore not valorizing anything (hence why it has no exchange value).

i'm not totally happy with this last bit, because valorization is not synonymous with exchange value, but idk how else to describe it

like it still makes sense, if it was valorizing it would necessarily result in exchange values, but i feel like it confuses things

when are the irl devs gonna drop the dark mode texture pack for the sky

early 2000s art fascinates me so much, it feels like it has its own weltanschauung that existed for such a small blip, one that I cherish

The mood that it arose out of actually probably had a lot to do with it occurring prior to the housing crisis lol, and why it’s impossible to get recapture (which is not something I desire anyway)

i really wanna re-read Capital and Postone, but i haven't really been in a reading mood for a while :/

And more Hegel and Adorno and Freud and Foucault and deleuze/guittari and Heidegger and Wittgenstein and… and… and…

i'm actually really really socially inept it's a problem lol

was i previously better at this? or just always awful

it feels worse somehow even tho i've clearly struggled with it for a long time

maybe i'm just really really out of practice with the specific type of overwatch bro convo context, idk

they tried rly hard to include me but idk lmao im just super bad at succinctly expressing myself

i had my mic muted for most of the recording (but not in actual comms) and listening back without my voice is very comforting

i just want to listen, i don't want to be there. i don't like my presence or inclusion, leave me out

i'm starting to think i have a problematic relationship with food :o

I don’t love Answer in Progress’s particular brand of quirk, but at least they try to do the reading. So many “video essayists” will just confidently assert things about entire fields of study they have no familiarity with. Pls god make it stop, or at least be more self-aware and less arrogant.

Also holy shit I worked like 10 hours today even after work all I can think about is work wtf is wrong w me

I mean it makes sense, more material for brain to process and reflect on, but still it’s really ick

Today I was saved by the ambiguity of my customer and advisor having the same first name - I’m such an idiot lol

What the fuck does corporate speak even mean? What “deliverables” are implied by a “deep dive”? I’m going to kill you

update about some of the twinks in question: 1) not nearly as cute irl vs online, photos out of date 2) weird laugh (and constantly laughing) 3) talks really loudly all the time, very aggressive 4) eats gross yes i am a professional h8r

its more fun to fantasize anyway