family had a storage issue with photos, i went to help out. found a bunch of pics of her and idk what to say.

i still miss her, i still love her, my heart is so heavy that every breath is burdensome. she's unbearably beautiful. melancholy, angst, reverence, admiration. lexical description is impossible for the subdued mourning yet screaming agony i feel.

those sound like big emotions but i really just feel small. i'm diminutive, quaint, delicate, timid. i'm aware i'm deifying, mythologizing, i can't help myself. i can't imagine a similar connection with anyone, nor am i seeking it.

i can't even really say i'm longing for the time we had, i did my best to make it miserable and often succeeded. but i do miss and revere her.

I’d be so much happier if I got a CS degree instead of one of my humanities trash ones. Coding is cozy and people are shit. It’s not even like “oh no I’d be sacrificing my passion for a paycheck”. The subject is just infinitely more compelling than reheated progressive liberal drivel, idc abt $.

That’s a bit unfair bc I love philos + political econ, and I appreciate having the space provided by those majors to cultivate my evaluations of the Anglo/analytical/neoclassical/etc versions of the disciplines as worthless. Wonder where I’d be if I attended a better uni

My dissatisfaction led to me find cooler stuff, just unfortunate that it undermined everything I was doing for 4 years. But honestly thinking about this counterfactually, it would have been a nightmare. I came into college w shit politics, personality, worldview, etc. without reflection I would

Have kept those around. Ironically I might have been literally happier without the new knowledge I acquired, but in an unfulfilling way that would be a character defect

The ppl in the offices around me probably hate me - I have lil anxiety spasms that result in blurting out obscenities like all the time. How am I supposed to explain that I don’t have Tourette’s I’m just a smol lil guy?

Customer wants to call using Google Meet instead of Zoom or Teams so I’m just a just a cute lil beanie pfp surrounded by professional headshots

Yes house show!!

I’m so gorgeous and cute ~~~

crying softly in my office haha

I wish I had pretty wrists

incredibly fitting result, but unlikely the author had eating disorders in mind during creation lol uquiz.com/quiz/tjZ8p6/...

hunger is violent, vice, visceral, unavoidable, intoxicating, repellent, painful, disruptive, necessary, comforting, repulsive, indulgent, splitting, routine, intimate, vulnerable, ugly, sweet, demanding, anxious, compelling, desire, lack, overwhelming, stimulating, common, extraordinary,

1. 2. 4 is trivially true, 3 is the compelling metaphor 3. craving, longing, desire, discomfort, overwhelming compulsion 4.

5. transient, delicate, existential, and all the more powerful for it 6.

7. this one has special double meaning for me: yes it is warm and comforting and enveloping and all consuming, but i also frequently avoid it all costs. a lot of splitting and contextual dependence. both the pinnacle of pleasure and an overwhelming, inescapable, terrorizing force.

8. weak question imo. kitchen is dumb lmao, hands is meh, eyes are complex, but i don't like looking at them. vulnerable and pretty, but the most important feelings of love happen when i'm not in eyesight. implicit, distance, one-sided, lack of recognition.

heart is weak, but the least weak love is deeply physiological, embodied. constant convulsing perpetual motion, until it sputters out or erupts in a flash.

9. ignoring the prompt, i think this option has been the most resonant to my experience 10. i like the extremes here, and think that both are genuine options. in passionate affectionate moments this is a sentiment i have affinity with. but again the options are kinda weak here

11. none of these were resonant 12. skipped

violent ambivalence. simultaneously the most natural, life-sustaining thing in the world and yet the most confusing, alienating, frustrating, arduously difficult task requiring constant purposeful maintenance.

reminder to myself and anyone reading that this metaphor is one among many - and although this was clearly a resonant and an inciting metaphor for me, there are glaring gaps in its coverage (particularly on the more positive end of things).

Oh and it’s worth saying it explicitly: love as hunger fits for me because I often enjoy the masturbatory turmoil of the state of being itself, the pain of the unresolved tension, and the solitary reflection on its significance more than the implicit teleology of the concepts.

In other words: I hate food but love hunger; I hate people but love love.

Simmering discomfort, unease. Sharp pain, searing. Dull lethargy, fatigue.

Terminologically partially inspired by Lil Xtra - Sharp Pain / Dull Ache, after typing I was thinking of early Laura Les tracks. Neither of them capture the feeling I was having (pre, anxiety atk, post) at all, and I haven’t listened to either in forever (esp lil xtra? like what lol). shrug.

i fear my most eventful days are behind me

no one cares you're not insightful you're not interesting you're worthless. have an original thought you pathetic coward. you're nothing, you're limited, shut the fuck up. kill yourself. even your self hate is trite and nauseatingly recycled. jk guys haha

Park is rly good House char

while i'm highlighting characters i like, Colleen in s7e13 "Two Stories" has v enjoyable writing. love bossy assertive girls, great back and forth w house

i'll have much more to say about the show once i finish (probably tomorrow), but for now i wanna comment that i feel like ppl get a bit too nostalgic for the og squad. there were defi a lot of weird choices, plenty of frankly very frustrating or pathetic ones, but ... eh ill wait to comment fully

cute and good and cute

sorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsrrrysosrryimsorryimsoryrimsorryikmsorurjimsorryiksorryimsorrymsorryijrosrryukdorryimsorrysikrorusorrysorrysorrysorryosryryimsroryimsorryimsorryimosr

Has my anxiety gotten better or have I just grown more accustomed to it

Lol it’s sad when I don’t even realize I’m actually having an anxiety attack until someone tries to comfort me

“Take deep breaths, it’ll be okay” Why are they acting so weird…? Ohhh lol it’s because I’m clearly distraught to everyone but myself

i want to vomit, i should try bulimia for a bit

i'm larping and cowardly so i won't really do it, but i feel gross and want to expel the disgust

i should keep alcohol around for occasions like this

lean into the horrid feelings and nausea until i have no choice

if i had more energy i'd go get the razors i picked up a while ago (shockingly good planning ahead from me tbh)

i'm too painfully aware that i have a body atm, i need to punish it for existing and imprisoning me

if someone were to see me or god forbid touch me right now i think i would grip my fingernails to the flesh of my arm and scrape until blood coated my hands and the room smelled of iron

that is if i could make it through the repulsion of making contact with myself