idk why just feelin it

i just felt heartache for the first time since gail and I broke up bc i was listening to "it never stops" by bad books

made me smile tho, felt nice in some way

oh also i wanted to mention this the other day but when I went out with brother and dad for birthday i saw this super cute guy omg lol i was blush so hard >///< for some reason its more exciting and intense, prob because I haven't been able to express it before now

I need to do more research on permaculture, rewilding, and light/heavy industry. They seem to be some of the areas where anarchism has its most powerful arguments against liberal/socdem solutions

Interact with people w/o being in monogamous partnership and just in general social since I feel like I’ve changed a lot of my perspectives (lol watch me just have worse anxiety). Maybe we’ll be spread across campus, but I imagine we’ll see each other somewhere which will be

Interesting. Wonder if we’ll make it to January or just run into each other and break the rules. If I call it I call it.

Ok fr done now, this was either super deep or I’m coping and can’t get over things or something else, either way was good to think

myself” (lol ew). And obv there’s no RA doctrine I must follow perfectly, I don’t have to perform anything to prove to myself, that would be self defeating. Just saying it’s tricky to navigate.

All this thinking about future stuff is just weird. Like it’s very dependent on what she wants and that’s hard to work around. And it’s totally possible/probable my mom has just baited to me think like this lol.

Wish I had a conclusion but I don’t lol rip. Play it by ear, plenty of time, just gonna go with flow for now. Not actively seeking a “romantic” relationship rn but won’t hide away from flirting if I feel like. Going back in person will be odd, but interesting experience to

One option is just keep doing whatever feels right with relationship(s) (lmao) and by January we catch up and see, basically just act like RA. Justification being it’s what I believe and compromising that for someone, even if they’re really important to me, would be antithetical

Problem is I don’t think I’ll have many or any relationships that would be considered romantic by others by then, not like intentionally just like I don’t really do much like that lol. So I could easily just kid myself into thinking I’m acting RA when I’m really just “saving

Like cool person -> want relationship of some kind + no distinction between platonic/romantic makes hard. Feels like hope for relationship is hard cope tho, and like it’s hard to fully get over w/o closure, but that kind of closure has to come from her bc I won’t cut off

Messy bc if we were both RAs it would just be having another relationship, but instead it excludes other ppl :/ I know unfair to her and lots of work and doesn’t look good like I’m being cringe horny guy misogynist but that’s not how I think :/ full thread btw might start another

She gets: no $, confused motivation (motivation is bourgeoisie work is prison etc etc) grumpy do nothing rat baby (so sorry for the speciesism), but cool person 😎. Idk just doesn’t seem super worth. And obv methodology of cost benefit is absurd in this context, but still she’s

Gotta look out for herself yknow? Anyway all this is to say idk what I want but I’d be interested in talking with her. I really do want her to be happy and don’t want to hold her back in any way. Ig not much different than when we broke up lol. Maybe indicates not enough growth

But idk. Don’t wanna be unhealthy attached forever, but obv super cool person I won’t ever forget. Ig hard bc I got dumped and was fine enough with how things were. Before this I felt pretty at peace with not being together but idk

Peace corps (still don’t know what that is ngl but pretty sure it’s like a year abroad doing real shit). And then there’s stuff like just dispositional differences - I’m comfy (and prefer) living like a raccoon, I am kinda anti materialist which causes problems, introverty

This sounds like I’m trying to be virtuous or whatever but that’s not what I’m saying. Like we just have sorta big gaps like that, and while different people can for sure be chill together idk if that’s what she wants. I don’t say that to put the blame on her or anything,

Just think about the cost/benefit (neolib brain strikes again) I get partner with $$ security and ambition, and cost is vacation, getting her commodities, expectation of doing things TM, solo partner (Relationship anarchy arc pls 🙏)

Like obv being valued is cool, and having a relationship with gail (in any form incl platonic) would be nice, but would I want more? I hate having to think like this bc I dislike the platonic romantic binary and just find it confusing

But obv that’s kinda the dominant cultural understanding of things and I can’t imagine I’d blackpill gail on relationship anarchy, so I kinda have to approach it that way? Alternatively I could just be like you are committing violence by preventing my free association blah blah

Anyway im kinda off track. Like I think keeping gail in my life would be really really nice in theory, but I am skeptical in practice, and I don’t know what I’d like that relationship to look like. Also negotiating that dynamic alone is like very foolish, thats not how

Relationships work. Neolib brain got me thinking in transaction shit. But yeah I’m also just pretty worried that I would fuck her life up yknow? Like shes on track to get a killer $ job, has big relocation plans (which apparently now encompass half the habitable US), travel stuff

Guess it was also just hard figuring stuff out by myself without Real World TM interaction and only my cishet girlfriend to talk it though with me :P awkward dynamic there (and I handled yikes, but she was gracious)

I think me forcing stuff to support a “profile” of me was pretty common and pretty harmful tho. Happened in a bunch of areas, and I don’t really know how to avoid. Wasn’t nearly as bad as start of relationship but yeah idk

Ig I’ll talk about 1, but idrk how much to read into it. My mom obv did lots, but idk. I don’t get birthday stuff that much anyway, just confusing. Maybe that confusing is why I’m thinking so much? Or do I like want it to be one way or another?

Knowing myself way. Like sure I’ve just partly spent a bunch of time in classes or reading theory lol, but I found an interest in education which is cool. Gay stuff has changed a bit too. I think I often focused on it or played it up to demonstrate like hey this is real I’m valid

But it wasn’t like really me ig, but also maybe that was just me finding my footing with stuff. Like I feel like now I’m just comfy being like yup my gender/sexuality is queer and I just chill, don’t have to think about it too much.

And like realistically it’s not like I’m really interested in having multiple partners (seems like so much work) but also I’d like not to be limited. Was going to say “But yeah I feel very confident Gail is monogamy person” but that might not be fair either. I feel like sometimes

I put words in her mouth unfairly so I shouldn’t do that. But yeah idk like I feel like it would be healthy to date some other people, including guys, just to be like yeah this is what I want. Ideally that dating around wouldnt be exclusive with getting back together with her,

But in reality yknow? And it’s interesting my mom told her about some of the stuff I’ve been up to and she was shocked, we both have changed and idk about the causality on that. Like in some ways I feel being apart has been really healthy for my personal development, in a

Compromise for other coast stuff (including east coast??? LMFAO) she’s in cali rn for context btw. Really don’t know what to make of it. Her mom and brother are thinking about moving there, so maybe them talking about the realities confronted her with challenges?

Idk, the other thing is like should I even care about this? Like why do I care about it? My mom was all giggly and excited to tell me things, and it was clear she is hopeful for getting back together. Idk what to think about that.

Like I love her for sure, she’s super cool. I was going to say “but I have to be sure I’m not just sticking with what I know just bc comfy and scared of change” but idk if that makes sense. Like in some ways true, but it also assumes a few things, including monogamy

Ok so my mom told me things that Gail texted her when I was over for my birthday, and I need to process it. 2 big things:1 she wanted to text me about birthday but wanted to keep rules we set, and 2her expectations have become more “realistic” and she doesn’t need to live in cali

2 is kinda weird, mom introduced it as she doesn’t care about living in cali anymore, but that is not the vibe I got when she read it out quote (I didn’t ask for her to read out, she just did, I will touch on soon) felt like she really deeply cares about cali but is willing to

I bounce from socdem to anarchist depending on the issue, scale, time frame. potentially just have to read more theory and i still am learning but it certainly is an odd moment for me

lol i look like shit, bags so big no sleep

Internally I don’t think that sunk in. Which like drove a wedge because I felt like I couldn’t be honest, I had to keep her happy. Obviously the not doing things together was a wedge too but yknow this one is more interesting because it’s subtle.

Not that I think I did anything wrong necessarily by setting boundaries or making my preferences clear. And I’m not upset with her that that wasn’t something she didn’t want. Idk super cool person, just mismatched expectations/needs in “relationships”

Couldn’t just solve the way I felt about things, I forever turned to her for that and was emotionally frustrated and didn’t deal with things myself. Now I’m more forced to do that myself. Now, whether or not I’ll actually do it and do it in a healthy way is another issue.

I just think I harbored a lot of fear in the relationship, and really wanted to please her. But in a weird way that wasn’t expressed into action? Like I consciously knew and decided I have the freedom to refuse things I don’t want to do and often did so, but in my mind and

Decided I wanted to do some reflection (I was not already thinking about). Being without Gail in some ways is like super freeing for me. Like there’s an additional responsibility for myself and handling things that I just didn’t have. I think even though I consciously knew she

Anarchy!!!

My political journey: 1) injustice and oppression exist 2) often its systemic 3) corporations play a massive role in this oppression 4) the government has incredible potential to solve these issues 5) ah nevermind the state only acts in its own interest

Currently: Vote dem to have someone less hostile, induce interest convergence where possible, organize dual power

Uncomfortable with body -> no eat -> no energy/focus -> overwhelmed -> spiral for a bit -> decide I want to eat again -> energy is back, so is weight (or perception of) Start over 😀

I feel so fucking gross after social interaction, like I’m being inauthentic. Any interaction feels forced and fake. God I hate everything