This year was maybe the most bazaar but also maybe the most normal. We both moved in downtown, but rarely saw one another. We would text and update every day, and I enjoyed that a lot. Some days it felt like a burden, but overall it was nice to feel heard,understood,and cared for

It was at this point I think it was most clear that she was unfulfilled. We were so close to one another, but rarely shared our time and never did anything she truly wanted to do. Any interaction must have felt forced out of me.

I think it’s for this reason I question her devotion to me for so long. I know she loved me, but why? I never had much to begin with and it only got worse over the years. There were plenty of things I enjoyed about her, and she allowed me to engage, but without demanding anything

College years were better, but very peculiar. My transition to college was odd, and I don’t remember how much we really talked or hung out then. I remember she put a lot of importance around maintaining that, but as usual I’m sure I under-delivered.

We existed in different worlds, and it only got further distant when she started. I think we got better about things by her second semester but it was not easy. We took a break and there was a lot of struggle to find how we fit and what to make of us.

Covid happened and I’m sure we spent time together, but I honestly don’t remember that time well at all.

She obviously wasn’t perfect either, but her improvement just outpaced my ability to describe my distaste for any action. I was always the one to cause dramatic issues and to take advantage of, even if I didn’t see it that way at the time.

High school overall was a confusing mess, and I didn’t understand myself much less a relationship. Trying to come to terms with any behavior from this time seems like it’s doomed for failure. I don’t want to downplay it’s role in shaping the relationship though.

A lot of bad things happened then that staged things for the future.

Honestly I don’t think things would have ended until she took the leap. She was too important to me to just let go on my own. I’m glad she could free herself. I know that can’t be a healthy way to look at things but thinking back on the history of it all it seems appropriate.

I don’t think I reciprocated the value I got. And obviously that’s alright, it’s never going to be perfect, but she really poured her heart and soul into the relationship at times, when I rarely if ever did. Definitely somewhat a product of gender roles I think.

She was always the one to “love more” whatever that means, but I’m not entirely sure what she saw in me. Not as in like “I’m worthless” type of way but like I’m not sure what she was getting out of the relationship. I know she loved me but why.

I wasn’t resourceful or useful or kind, interesting or passionate or creative. For the longest time I was a fucked up combination of unearned self importance and simultaneous mental health issues that made me difficult to deal with. I was annoying and hurtful, moody and anxious

Lacked respect and empathy. I caused her a lot of emotional turmoil. Im not sure if I just was a worse partner, she was more emotional, I repressed my feelings, over never had them in the first place, but I definitely feel like there was a disparity between who was in pain more.

I’m not sure what to make of that. I’m not sure what my goal should be right now. For some reason I’m intensely concerned with her perception of the relationship. I suppose I’m looking for understanding or forgiveness for the pain I caused. I don’t know if that’s very healthy.

I want to be able to address my shortcomings but I don’t want to dwell on them. But what if my shortcomings are so glaring and numerous that they deserve dwelling on? I enjoyed having such a close partnership and it would be nice to have something like that again I think.

I want to improve going forward, but I feel that thoughts like those are distracting from the more difficult confrontation of my previous relationship and how to engage with it. I deeply appreciate the opportunity I had to grow and the support I received along the way.

I want to text her so bad right now. I miss talking to her. I feel like I’ve lost an incredible companion and partner. I feel like “I’m willing to make the sacrifices to make it work”, but I know that’s not true, and I know that’s not what it would take to fix things. It’s over.

I have a hard time focusing on the pain I’m feeling. In a way I feel undeserving of mourning. I was a toxic partner for a long time in a lot of ways, probably until the very end. I’ve made progress in a lot of ways over the years in terms of communication and maturity, but often

also i still am pretty confused by emotions in general, how/what/why are they, what should i do about it. im explicitly trying to embrace emotions to be healthy, but I don't know how to understand them or what to do

hard to figure out if the cause of events: since we broke up my sleep schedule has been off, my eating has been rough (weird using food as comfort or being entirely disgusted by it/myself), deep apathy, mild depression,

lol I'm in the stage where anything that reminds me of her brings instinctual pain, not even thinking about the specific instance. Very wary of that tho, classic thing with anxiety that just makes you anxious about the anxiety. need to allow myself to feel and engage, not avoid

im horrendously depressed lol, i think the lack of her really started to kick in. interesting time frame of how long it took take effect. feeling lots of ana vibes and i just dont need this rn with exams

But the other thing was that I just didn’t really enjoy spending time with her. Don’t get me wrong, if I had to be somewhere or had to be with anyone, I would want her there 100%. But the choice between being by myself and being with her was really hard for me.

I didn’t want to DO anything, and just hanging out wasn’t very interesting because I could be doing the same thing but with more freedom alone. She didn’t really want to talk about the same things I did, and that bothered me a lot.

I still love her though. And I probably will forever. I know she hated that philosophy for relationships but I feel confident about it. It’ll be a long time before we can talk. I am going to miss her a lot. Her stability,perspective, and experience were incredibly important to me

Writing this has been useful to get my emotions out. I hope she is able to do the same. It’s going to be a long time before I can speak to her. I wonder how we’ll both be. It’ll be a challenge to transition into life without her.

High school was terribly messy and I did a LOT of fucked up shit. I know I had a lot going on but I also know I caused her far too much trouble. I was initially incredibly dependent on her. I guess as I got mentally better I grew out of that more,but I think it lasted til the end

Retrospectively, sex is probably the area I feel the worst about. There was too much pressure on her, whether it be from me or the environment, and it has really fucked her up. I’m incredibly sorry about that. Especially the weird times when we were “broken up” for a bit

College really marked a turn in the relationship. A big divide in activities, and no longer an excuse to see each other every day. I realize that the structure of high school allowed us to see each other consistently and in a way that didn’t feel like too much.

Planning that out intentionally is a lot more challenging. I wouldn’t want to do it because I didn’t want to do anything. She did most of the planning and resented that a lot. I’m still not sure about the solution, but I imagine it would have to be a change on my part.

Relationships are really challenging for me and I make them hard for others too. I’m not sure what to think now. People can be really cool but not the right fit. That sucks.

Culture around relationships really suck too and it complicates things. Especially when it feels like your partner is not very concerned with challenging that culture. I respect her a lot we just have such different approaches to life.

It would be nice to have some sort of metaphor for things, but it’s obviously just far too complicated. Lacking any framework makes understand really difficult. There were some fundamental gaps since the start, and there continued to be wedge issues throughout.

But I don’t think “slowly drifted apart” really does the situation justice. The whole time I was very interested in her personality and talking with her, but piece by piece surrounding things just fell away. By the end she was more or less my best friends with some intimacy.

I miss her. A lot. And at the same time I realize now just how dysfunctional the relationship was. I’m confused and hurting. I know for a fact now that there was nothing that could’ve saved things.

The emotions around it are trash too. I’m trying to feel, because I know it’s unhealthy not to, but it’s just not that simple. It sucks that I don’t have anyone else I respect that I can bounce my ideas and feelings off of. Building something like that up again will be awful.

This break up is really weird. Four and a half years is just so much to try and reflect on, especially because it’s like a fourth of my life. There were a lot of mistakes and plenty to feel bad about. Trying to think about the progression of things is just really hard.

its so boring to be sad but not being able to depression spiral like i used to, like whats the point

acquired too many positive coping mechanisms for it to feel cathartic, just dull hole of pain this isn't fun at all lmao

got dumped ama

"All we do when we expand gender categories is to create new more nuanced channels through which power can operate. We do not liberate ourselves, we ensnare ourselves in countless and even more nuanced and powerful norms. Each one a new chain."

"Identity is not a truth but a social and discursive construction, we can then realize that the creation of these new identities is not the sudden discovery of previously unknown lived experience, but rather the creation of new terms upon which we can be constituted."

i'm so exhausted :(

“It’s just how the world works” “Builds character” “You just have to” Such fucking shit arguments

It’s fucking pathetic that other humans have convinced each other that society should work like this. Who gives a fuck about this world as long as Heaven Ghost Daddy is there after we die lmaooo

Talking with people with dogshit understanding of the world make me want to give up; unironically considering becoming an anarchist

First time in a long time I have genuinely considered planned suicide. Fuck this world. I don’t want to live if these are my options

I hate that people act like I’m some whiny privileged bitch for not wanting to live in capitalist hellscape world

Especially when it’s someone that seems progressive and like they should know better. Philosophically ungrounded and brainwashed into thinking this is how the world should work.