in retrospect the arranging was infinitely more meaningful and significant to me, as a way to focus and direct my affections into a creation
the performance was a distortion of this passion to an extent
the whole experience is indicative of my rather odd way of relating to people
it’s weird bc a large amount of my direct casual interactions with people are just veiled in thick layers of irony
my alternative mode is just being sad ig
it’s clear i don’t believe any of the things i say
i appreciate people humoring me, its helpful to have an intellectually stimulating task even if the result is rather dull
temporary distraction from depression is just about the only thing that works anyway (its an open question whether that’s good)
porter robinsons “look at the sky” is hopelessly depressing to me
i don’t want to be alive next year.
i don’t want to make anything good.
i don’t want anyone to have faith in me.
i don’t want to be better.
i want out.