I fall in love - not just romantically, but in all domains - quickly* and deeply, and without much commitment or consistency. This is a characteristically young person’s way of approaching the world, and I wonder if it will change over time.

Not quite sure how to evaluate whether or not it’s something I’d like to change. It causes problems for sure: 1) I don’t meet the consistency requirements most people have for significant relationships in their lives. I can still care about or love someone but if I’m at a phase in my cycles where

I’m not obsessing/infatuated/excited by/fixating on them, they can often feel neglected or frustrated. The alternative seems incredibly difficult though, if I’m not currently super interested in you, why force it? It doesn’t mean I love you any less, I’ve just got other stuff right now.

That was phrased kinda misleadingly. It’s not so much that new shiny things have my attention as much as it is that I kinda need a lot of space and time for myself frequently. But yeah still I can see how that would be annoying for many to be on the receiving end of.

Which is related to 2) I can burn out pretty quickly. I’ll be obsessed with a thing for a short burst, where it’s all consuming and my life and thoughts revolve around that thing, and then one day I’ll decide “ok I’ve had enough of that for now” and there’s not always a follow-up thing to replace it

3) On the flip side, it can be super off-putting to be on the receiving end of so much attention all at once. It’s obsessive, it’s uncomfortable, it’s too much pressure and responsibility. And once the spell breaks and my cyclical obsession lapses, it can make 1) all the more confusing and hurtful.

Clearly this one doesn’t really matter for hobbies I get attached to, since they usually don’t care too much, as they don’t have feelings. That being said, there tends to be a sort of natural consequence for excessive indulgence. 4) whether it be my physical or emotional health, spurts of obsession

Can be incredibly destructive. I will neglect many of my responsibilities [not quite responsibilities as such, since I go out of my way to possess as few obligations as possible, frequently to a pathological degree. Not sure why this is in brackets considering it’s actually one of the main bits of

fallout from 4]. In order to facilitate my less than predictable obsession schedule, I will eschew as much commitment ahead of time as possible to other activities or people. I don’t want to be respecting a promise, I want to be doing the shit my brain is telling me Has To Happen Now. Weakness maybe

Much to my dismay, I enjoy many aspects of my job

This actually makes me a bit sad. I remember watching recordings of older bmth shows where Ollie would goad the audience to come touch him, and security would try and fail to keep the horde at bay. Here he kinda just wanders around and high fives some ppl.

I’ve seen a bunch of show recordings like these since, and it’s clear he kinda wants to put on a show for people, but trying to convince 16yo girls from the burbs to mosh or coordinate a wall of death just isn’t gonna happen lol

Idk I miss the more adventurous, spontaneous, energetic shows. When Ollie softly says “you guys are fucking crazy” it breaks me a little. I remember when he would tell the crowd that with exasperation, sweating and exhausted from the energy that was just expended.

Clearly I’m not saying any show is easy, but there’s a difference between really expressing an exited disbelief about the collective experience and energy that just transpired, and a stock statement meant to appease a crowd.

Also obv it’s difficult to work with tracks like Drown lmao, but I’ve seen similar attempts with older tracks and the reaction is pretty muted, it’s just not the fan base they’ve cultivated anymore

I slept less than 3 hours last night, and I feel something less and more than tired rn. I already napped and my eyes feel shadow pain behind and underneath them, like it’s in my bones. I don’t even know how to describe the feeling I’m having. It’s not tiredness or fatigue, it just feels really bad.🤕

yeowch neck hurty

Good luck bonding over mutual interests with someone whose passions are so transient, whose fixation is so overbearing, whose engagement with community oscillates from exclusively observational to outright rejection with no in between.

No one has better music taste than my past self - who else could have such bangers just waiting to be shuffled through?

Critical support for the C-suite exec posting “This looks good. A lot of great information.” in the chat while the call is reviewing the work I did that he absolutely does not understand lmao

still can’t believe my employer has gotten away with posting orientalism on main for like a decade, like people have to show up to that building every day man

Attempting to explain Halimede to the uninitiated is more difficult than I thought it would be lol

It’s reasonable to have concerns about what they’re called, but I actually think gynephilia and androphilia as concepts are very helpful because they dissociate the user’s gender identity from who they’re sexually attracted to

Introduced the concepts to a few normies and they respond positively, I feel like it’s just kinda less pressure to not have figure it out all at once

Then again this is very analytical philosophy way of approaching one’s sexuality and I’m certain for some it would be appalling to disaggregate - part of their attraction is always already about their identity and the relation with the identity of the desired

And personally, meh idrc, I think the whole idea of formalizing and legibilizing things is a mistake from the get-go, but it might be a helpful stepping stone concept for someone, or might be another metaphor in their repertoire. Mostly it’s just interesting they’re neglected so much despite

the intense focus on categorizing all aspects of identity. It’s just kinda odd that sexuality seems like something tacked on to one’s gender identity, when I know a lot of people can feel fairly confident in their sexuality due to the more observable facts, but gender identity is more elusive.

Ppl will reclaim any slur but cede to Blanchard any term that minimally resembles his work

I also think more widespread use of GP would take a lot of the wind out of AGP’s sails. Once you understand the concepts it’s pretty apparent how thin and pathetic the theory is, and it’s either dead wrong or trivial and nbd, depending on what specific descriptive/causal claims

the expounder is making. Also think the concepts of AGP or AAP could be useful self-reflective grounds, especially for cis people. This is probably an extremely idealistic reading and predictively naive, but I still think it would be good to not throw the concepts out completely.

What makes for bad marketing material is not necessarily useless for existential orientation or imaginative exploration, or even just conceptual tidiness

the early 2010s was such a lovely time for earnestly cringe angsty melodramatic emo music

there was no detectable irony or self-awareness, just a sincere attempt at music for losers

maybe only very early 2010s, mostly mid-late 00s

Ling tosite sigure is fucking incredible. compositionally mind blowing, vocals dripping with emotion, guitars spark with energy; everything is spectacular - but the thing i can't stop thinking about is how they've made me realize how criminally under-utilized and under-appreciated the hi-hat is.

i was never really bothered by it, but it's kinda nice to have an apartment where I don't have to hear my neighbors, traffic, or a frat party down the street lol

I know it shouldn’t be surprising, but it still is a little shocking to see the extent to which “commentary influencers” are just baldly agents of social reproduction

There are pressures in many directions for this to happen of course: status quo affirmation is popular (the goal of ‘commentary’ is not to say something surprising or novel, but rather affirm beliefs the audience already holds), creators are beholden to the interests of capital (ads, sponsors, etc),

and once a creator does begin to get more popular their perspective shifts along with them. One of the most pernicious things is ostensibly progressive commentators really just promoting the same basic paradigm, but this is nothing new. For everything to stay the same, everything must change.

Screenlife weekend is over, here's the result (i was fairly generous with grading)

actually i was finally able to find skydiver and that's a light green too, Eugene Kotlyarenko is super interesting

Safer at Home was just god awful. Am I supposed to be rooting for patriarchy's strongest soldier? and a stupid one at that like wtf is ur plan buddy. also with her not breathing: either 1) the protagonist is REALLY stupid or 2) its plot convenience nonsense. i don't care abt any of the characters

the pandemic screenlife films have been universally bad so far, they're so so so limited and narrow and myopic. also the broader point in SaH abt the pandemic is super unclear. haha Trump bad and also lockdowns are authoritarian and police are corrupt,, ig? if that was the point it was really sloppy

i'm actually unbelievably disappointed. i just finished SiRen 2016 (based off of Amateur Night from V/H/S) and wow what a horrendous let down. Completely betrayed the vision and meaning that could be found in the original, replaced with slop. the fact there was a ringleader alone is egregious

watched Face 2 Face. ehhhhhh offensively bad lmao

i made it through c u soon but idk dawg a lot of the dramatic punch is lost bc im trying to figure out wtf they mean LOL. i think pretty bad and extremely shallow overall, but maybe would have been marginally better if i was more culturally informed on a few things

this is related to (or a symptom of) my lacking ability to properly change the subject. i play within the rules of the game provided and have immense difficulty fluidly transitioning from context to context. I remain trapped with my own lack of imagination and lack of courage

the quote isn't directly relevant, but i just wanted to call out that i'm pretty bad at the type of thing described in Changing the Subject. it's still a little bit out of place because although he does give some more concrete examples, its obviously mostly oriented around philosophical subjects

which i'm bad at too lol, i'm not coming up with novel philosophical questions. but the thing i was describing was pretty narrowly general social skills. i engage too directly with the question and sometimes the answer ought be "that is the wrong question". i usually lack confidence to say that.

Sometimes life is in between keyframes