I wasn’t really paying attention but I wonder how much more lenient my teachers were on me during my 5 doctors visits a week ED phase lol

Did I do inpatient during the school year? It’s all a blur tbh

Oh yeah I definitely did bc I remember they gave us laptops do to school work at some points during the day. I was rly pissy bc a lot of the music I wanted to listen to was blocked by their network. Shocked they allowed us headphones at all tbh, but ig it was all very tightly monitored.

I remember the floor layout very well, really weirdly designed place. We weren’t allowed to move very much so that’s all I could really look at.

It was a pretty small place - the rooms were surprisingly large but we were almost never allowed in them except for sleeping.

Yellow door at the top was the sun room - lots of windows. We would do some activity stuff there and homework. Hallway with rooms is self explanatory. Most of the time was spent in the living room area (cyan). There was a tv and they played “soothing music” and it sucked lol.

Purple tables are still really hard to see represented, even in such a rudimentary way. The amount of anguish on display at every meal was just incredibly somber. No one was allowed to speak, so the only sounds you could hear were

the quiet sobbing of the girl sitting next to you, or the anxious scraping of utensils.

The orange reception desk was where the workers sat, but there were plenty around so usually some were sitting on a couch or at the table too. We picked up our pills there or if we got pulled aside that’s where they’d talk to us (if it wasn’t too serious). The phone was by there, besides the door.

Kinda miss the days of watching every OWL stream, VOD reviewing, studying games and taking notes. It was cool to have cultivated this really strong game sense and understanding of the flow of the game.

Secretly studying the game while I’m supposed to be paying attention in class followed by ranked games to stop decay and a double block just to end the day by catch up on the latest pro matches. You could show me a single frame and I would have an immediate emotional reaction to the game state.

I’d be significantly more attractive if I got more sleep but I refuse to betray my tomoko aesthetic

I am neet lain pissgirl 543 and you can’t stop me

Or at least I’ll appropriate your culture as compensation for the fact that I’m too cowardly to trans myself

i suck at micro-blogging because it requires strong thesis statements and i'm a non-binary non-monogamous pansexual (can't commit to anything, never made a choice in my life)

my heart hurts and i am NOT kidding :3

i have a cute voice uwu heat from fire, fire from heat uwu

Cute how song lyrics are indexed by mood in my brain. Flare up of same emotion has me referencing tracks from years ago, and then I’m surprised they’re already sorted into the appropriate playlist

boys will tirelessly assert the same conclusion for years and yet be hopelessly engrossed with every new context for the chance to reassert it

It’s likely erroneous pattern recognition or wishful thinking, but I can see the joy fade from her eyes over time. The pictures become less frequent, the smiles become more forced (don’t get me wrong, she knows how to perform pleasure well, but I can tell the difference).

It’s clear she loved me, but I get the feeling she liked me less and less. And who could blame her? The exhaustion, the heartache, the distance, the beratement, it can only go on so long.

I can only hope I didn’t crush her spirit completely, and I’m not arrogant enough to think I could. There will be more joy in her life beyond me, hopefully to greater heights than we could have ever achieved together.

I wasted several of your years, but I hope you were able to learn and grow from my companionship, even if it is what who and what to avoid in the future.

family had a storage issue with photos, i went to help out. found a bunch of pics of her and idk what to say.

i still miss her, i still love her, my heart is so heavy that every breath is burdensome. she's unbearably beautiful. melancholy, angst, reverence, admiration. lexical description is impossible for the subdued mourning yet screaming agony i feel.

those sound like big emotions but i really just feel small. i'm diminutive, quaint, delicate, timid. i'm aware i'm deifying, mythologizing, i can't help myself. i can't imagine a similar connection with anyone, nor am i seeking it.

i can't even really say i'm longing for the time we had, i did my best to make it miserable and often succeeded. but i do miss and revere her.

possibly a bit pitiful that i'm still so hung up on her. distractions are fine, but reminders demand my full attention once again. though the frequency has subsided over time, the magnitude of my emotions with regard to her have not.

I’d be so much happier if I got a CS degree instead of one of my humanities trash ones. Coding is cozy and people are shit. It’s not even like “oh no I’d be sacrificing my passion for a paycheck”. The subject is just infinitely more compelling than reheated progressive liberal drivel, idc abt $.

That’s a bit unfair bc I love philos + political econ, and I appreciate having the space provided by those majors to cultivate my evaluations of the Anglo/analytical/neoclassical/etc versions of the disciplines as worthless. Wonder where I’d be if I attended a better uni

My dissatisfaction led to me find cooler stuff, just unfortunate that it undermined everything I was doing for 4 years. But honestly thinking about this counterfactually, it would have been a nightmare. I came into college w shit politics, personality, worldview, etc. without reflection I would

Have kept those around. Ironically I might have been literally happier without the new knowledge I acquired, but in an unfulfilling way that would be a character defect

The ppl in the offices around me probably hate me - I have lil anxiety spasms that result in blurting out obscenities like all the time. How am I supposed to explain that I don’t have Tourette’s I’m just a smol lil guy?

Customer wants to call using Google Meet instead of Zoom or Teams so I’m just a just a cute lil beanie pfp surrounded by professional headshots

Yes house show!!

I’m so gorgeous and cute ~~~

crying softly in my office haha

I wish I had pretty wrists

8. weak question imo. kitchen is dumb lmao, hands is meh, eyes are complex, but i don't like looking at them. vulnerable and pretty, but the most important feelings of love happen when i'm not in eyesight. implicit, distance, one-sided, lack of recognition.

heart is weak, but the least weak love is deeply physiological, embodied. constant convulsing perpetual motion, until it sputters out or erupts in a flash.

9. ignoring the prompt, i think this option has been the most resonant to my experience 10. i like the extremes here, and think that both are genuine options. in passionate affectionate moments this is a sentiment i have affinity with. but again the options are kinda weak here

11. none of these were resonant 12. skipped

violent ambivalence. simultaneously the most natural, life-sustaining thing in the world and yet the most confusing, alienating, frustrating, arduously difficult task requiring constant purposeful maintenance.

reminder to myself and anyone reading that this metaphor is one among many - and although this was clearly a resonant and an inciting metaphor for me, there are glaring gaps in its coverage (particularly on the more positive end of things).

Oh and it’s worth saying it explicitly: love as hunger fits for me because I often enjoy the masturbatory turmoil of the state of being itself, the pain of the unresolved tension, and the solitary reflection on its significance more than the implicit teleology of the concepts.

In other words: I hate food but love hunger; I hate people but love love.

Terminologically partially inspired by Lil Xtra - Sharp Pain / Dull Ache, after typing I was thinking of early Laura Les tracks. Neither of them capture the feeling I was having (pre, anxiety atk, post) at all, and I haven’t listened to either in forever (esp lil xtra? like what lol). shrug.

i fear my most eventful days are behind me