incredibly fitting result, but unlikely the author had eating disorders in mind during creation lol uquiz.com/quiz/tjZ8p6/...

hunger is violent, vice, visceral, unavoidable, intoxicating, repellent, painful, disruptive, necessary, comforting, repulsive, indulgent, splitting, routine, intimate, vulnerable, ugly, sweet, demanding, anxious, compelling, desire, lack, overwhelming, stimulating, common, extraordinary,

1. 2. 4 is trivially true, 3 is the compelling metaphor 3. craving, longing, desire, discomfort, overwhelming compulsion 4.

5. transient, delicate, existential, and all the more powerful for it 6.

7. this one has special double meaning for me: yes it is warm and comforting and enveloping and all consuming, but i also frequently avoid it all costs. a lot of splitting and contextual dependence. both the pinnacle of pleasure and an overwhelming, inescapable, terrorizing force.

no one cares you're not insightful you're not interesting you're worthless. have an original thought you pathetic coward. you're nothing, you're limited, shut the fuck up. kill yourself. even your self hate is trite and nauseatingly recycled. jk guys haha

Park is rly good House char

while i'm highlighting characters i like, Colleen in s7e13 "Two Stories" has v enjoyable writing. love bossy assertive girls, great back and forth w house

i'll have much more to say about the show once i finish (probably tomorrow), but for now i wanna comment that i feel like ppl get a bit too nostalgic for the og squad. there were defi a lot of weird choices, plenty of frankly very frustrating or pathetic ones, but ... eh ill wait to comment fully

Simmering discomfort, unease. Sharp pain, searing. Dull lethargy, fatigue.

cute and good and cute

sorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsrrrysosrryimsorryimsoryrimsorryikmsorurjimsorryiksorryimsorrymsorryijrosrryukdorryimsorrysikrorusorrysorrysorrysorryosryryimsroryimsorryimsorryimosr

Has my anxiety gotten better or have I just grown more accustomed to it

Lol it’s sad when I don’t even realize I’m actually having an anxiety attack until someone tries to comfort me

“Take deep breaths, it’ll be okay” Why are they acting so weird…? Ohhh lol it’s because I’m clearly distraught to everyone but myself

i want to vomit, i should try bulimia for a bit

i'm larping and cowardly so i won't really do it, but i feel gross and want to expel the disgust

i should keep alcohol around for occasions like this

lean into the horrid feelings and nausea until i have no choice

if i had more energy i'd go get the razors i picked up a while ago (shockingly good planning ahead from me tbh)

i'm too painfully aware that i have a body atm, i need to punish it for existing and imprisoning me

if someone were to see me or god forbid touch me right now i think i would grip my fingernails to the flesh of my arm and scrape until blood coated my hands and the room smelled of iron

that is if i could make it through the repulsion of making contact with myself

i love overwatch sometimes

in some ways i wish i had more vocabulary and theoretical background to describe the emotions i feel, but i'm also scared of cultivating that knowledge. if i do have new metaphors available to me, i'm scared that will funnel the experiences i have into a narrow set of categories

even describing it that way is missing part of why its so harrowing: it's not as if i independently have experiences and then subsequently interpret them - the interpretation is always already there, mediating the way i feel.

so its not just my takeaways from the experience that are altered, but the experience itself too.

but then the obvious next step is ask "oh so it's already mediated, what's the harm in incorporating new metaphors and vocabulary?" which yeah that's fair, i'm probably just being lazy. i think it's also the intentionality that scares me, runs into the paradox of pragmatism

the real way to do this is probably just 'organically' branch out to new aesthetic experiences: read more, talk more, listen more, see more, write more. i just don't know if i care enough right now to pursue that.. makes me kinda sad bc i think before getting a job i would have :( im so tired now

thats a bit disingenuous tho, i have plenty of time if i want to do it. i'm just weak and unintelligent and lack motivation. it would be cool to be smart but i'm really just lazy and cowardly. i don't aspire to greatness, and that's fine, but not being great feels humiliating and pathetic

At the same time, it’s a bit simplistic to act like it’s exclusively a positive thing to acquire new way ti express myself. There are different degrees of mediation, and different latent tendencies or habits different types lend themselves to.

One main worry is diminishing the frequency and severity of “this metaphor is unsatisfying” I’ll move too quickly to trying to cognitively describe my feelings instead of experiencing them more viscerally, which is something I already struggle with.

one skill i lack is the ability to end a conversation. part of this is definitely midwestern goodbye syndrome. another part is that i don't really get frustrated enough with people to storm out - but even when i used to get angry, i would just keep on arguing

i either enjoy the linguistic back and forth so much, or it takes so much mental energy to perform minimally adequately, that i forget the scope of available actions is not limited to the internal rules of reciprocal speech-acts

with online dms its confusing too - deciding whether or not to respond is rly tricky, even excluding the actual content of what to say (which im abhorrent at too lol). even when i make my choice the decision lingers in my brain and i think about it for a while after

i get so caught up in proper etiquette that i lose sight of enjoying the interaction at all, and i'm constantly on edge that i'm performing something wrong. it's not just unfounded anxiety either - i am genuinely bad at it lol

i'm not good at it, i don't enjoy it, other people don't really enjoy it because i'm not very good at it - why bother? and yet it's kinda necessary for existence, so i just stumble through and meet my social needs while trying to minimize the pain and confusion

the counter-productive thing is that i actually enjoy reflecting on these interactions as failures and sitting with the uncomfy, kinda like what i'm doing now. i'm not sure i want to change, but i'm not really committed to staying the same either. but ig that's my outlook on most things

i'm incredibly reticent to write anything down or argue for something that i don't have a thorough background in, and that makes it really difficult to 1) form connection with others 2) learn from community 3) concretize my understanding. I suppose the last one is the problematic double edged sword

that i'm trying to avoid - "what if i reinforce an incorrect understanding?" though i'd be lying if i also wasn't hugely motivated by not appearing ignorant in front of others. i'm scared and cowardly and stupid as a result - and my interests appear even more narrow than they are because I'll only

be willing to talk about a small subset of them. idk i'm incredibly ambivalent about what to do with this, and I have been for a while, so i probably will just continue to not resolve it and be uncomfortable

i'm still really anxious about communicating anything actually, commenting, posting, any communication that isn't dming is actually incredibly uncomfortable and relatively new behavior for me (dming makes me uncomfy and anxious too but its a different kind)

fucking up my recently fixed sleep sched just for the lolz

it's actually ruining my enjoyment of the podcast to quibble over myself with the comments, i'm gonna cry

because the expenditure is not the manifestation of abstract labor, and therefore not valorizing anything (hence why it has no exchange value).

i'm not totally happy with this last bit, because valorization is not synonymous with exchange value, but idk how else to describe it

like it still makes sense, if it was valorizing it would necessarily result in exchange values, but i feel like it confuses things