i would feel bad about muen leaving without getting a proper goodbye but she's kind of a terrible communicator and not actually very interested in me nowadays

it's this strange thing where i feel like im obligated to be the punching bag but don't really enjoy that dynamic too much anymore, it feels kinda outdated

and i get she's upset we didn't talk for a while and that i probably could have been a better friend but also it's kinda unclear how much i really enjoyed her company anymore, i mean i was dodging her for a while for a reason

it was nice to do things with her and be invited to things, she was pleasant enough company in small and intermittent doses

it really made more sense as a relationship prior to her getting a new job. and yknow i think i have an appreciation now for relationships of circumstance that persist beyond their initial reason for being, but that does mean they'll maintain the same significance or weightiness

still, it's unfortunate not to have the chance to extend the marginal effort to see her off properly. or rather, to have the chance but to have it ruined for such underwhelming reasons

i don't really feel like using this account so much

wouldn't it be nice if everything in the world had a clean and stable teleology and also profilicity as an identity technology wasn't so confounding

i think it is important for me to maintain two discords for now even tho i use the other one so often

and it's important that i keep messaging kasey there even though the other one would work just as well

it's one of those things that doesn't integrate nicely with some other sentiments ive accumulated over the years but i think it's an instance where practice beats theory

very crudely, it's important i maintain a public-private identity bifurcation. kasey is disjoint from all my other relationships and also basically the only person in my life i can speak freely with. which like yea, i wish it was otherwise but ive learned that brute forcing it doesn't work

and i don't mean to imply a devaluation of any of my other relationships or put kasey on a pedestal because it's honestly not like i feel especially affectionate towards her right now or anything

idk it's a strange time for me but my footing is sturdier than before, even if i'm still rather ungraceful

2nd bed was an awesome invention

thank you god

i don't think i fw panchiko all that much

what if i go to a concert

bulky!

my body type looks very different in sweatshirt and out

snow driving o.o

i should get new tires :/

not nostalgia at all, just soft and pleasant

lower expectations i should have encouraged the first time

i feel less disgust and more sadness when people talk about going to claude for emotional support

although if other people are as poor at being comforting as i am, i understand (sorry)

struggling to make two eyes with seven eyes

i like telling kasey about things ive done i know she'll hate and then saying "pretty cool right"

gnu go has hands :sob:

the last decade has been learning and unlearning "let's get lost"

this is more of a prophetic statement of hope and directionality, because im still in the middle of unlearning

pace yourself

mismatched tone mismatched time

i know it's ugly and i should acclimate but it's unfulfilling

my expectations aren't wrong my desires are

sorry im sad and there aren't words for it and i want time to stop

grrr my fonts are ugly

final things: wait for at&t to stop being a bitch and enable my mobile hotspot (i do have personal data tho), and migrate one last customer mfa accounts

photos not having ocr is really annoying, probably gonna have to figure something out or just suffer

super unproductive day but whatever, my phone is mostly moved

idk that's what i get for not sleeping well

sorry i was kinda vc worthless today, you met me at a very unenlightened time of my life

my hair is floof and my hands are cold

don't wanna make this a habit

chat it's here

unfortunate preface lmao but the rest seems intact

the best thing my econ degree did for me was inculcate the socdem's moral intuitions on the implications of marginal utility

im misattributing here but it's a better post that way

philosophy can only be done in german, while music can only be done in spanish

heidegger if arendt was a latin baddie with a musicology degree