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DSA moment lmao - yooo why are we fucking around with the international shitters just gimme healthcare. Socialism.. that is nationalistic.. why did no one think of this?? Obv not that bad ig but zoomer isolationist brain rot yikes
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I feel really cute rn, having long hair is so so nice

I have a hard time telling if discussions are so bad because ppl feel constrained socially or if they just haven’t thought that much. Latter makes sense bc class incentivize just getting work done not thinking deep and this might be first time thinking about, but still so boring
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Former influences too for sure (my personal experience) but I get the sense that most ppl just don’t have anything interesting to say on the topic regardless of social factors
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Ofc I still like discussion and community based learning conceptually, but without proper institutions (or lakethereof [abolish compulsory school]) it’s just really frustrating and mostly worthless. Would rather listen to one person operating within the banking model
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Because at least I’ll be introduced to new concepts and ideas. Discussions within banking model are just so shit lmao


I’m so tired already :( this is going to be a rough semester

Forgot how bad I am at human interaction lol yikes

i like the word eclectic, seems p neat

My prof is really young and nice, but class is full of econ poli Sci bros so I’m scared lol

My neck is a mangled mess (steroid inj) but overall feeling good of doing irl things

Pretty sure I became 15% more gay this morning
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College boys are so cute lol

honestly first class wasnt nearly as bad as i hyped in my head, mostly just boring. i dont get how people just decide to do small talk tho how bazaar

extremely interesting, still skeptical about the state and how the author defines "socialism", but yeah theory struggles with the empirical reality - also i recognize like all the references thats so cool https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/08969205211031624
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also good place to look for future references and reading

Filled out a survey for a class tomorrow and wow I am like really really uncomfortable providing personal information like pronouns/anxiety/accommodations like it feels so fake I’d rather just deal with it on my own and not bother risking uncomfy
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PS so not feeling ready for in person class gr :/

Mom yesterday talking to store worker: “yeah it’s a run for women - or, I mean, people that identify as women” 🙃

chubby ugly disgusting fucking body :(


successfully finished hatewatching 13 reasons why

reading from democracy to freedom, very interesting but I still worry about consistency. like institutionalizing charity as welfare is far more effective, and even with a gift economy scare resources still need to be allocated. I worry that free association will not be able to
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provide adequate dependable care
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Organization, there is some reasonable level of anxiety to be had over your own well-being if your partner can’t provide that. And ig just internalizing that or wanting to meet the expectations of someone that means a lot to me is understandable
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And I always do this thing where I abstract it away rather than dealing with my feelings, and at this point I don’t really feel much. Ig I got nothing then. Still feel like I didn’t successfully express myself and let it out, but there’s nothing left

Have to assimilate. And I’m sure I’ll be able to, and find some bullshit career that I’ll hate but will come to terms with. Just I’m not there right now, and that’s a little awk. Which brings me to another thing that I’ve been thinking about since we broke up which is pretty odd
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“What does she see in me” type thing. Obvious answer is that she just liked my personality and I could be fun/supportive or whatever, but there’s still this weird feeling. Like if I’m genuinely deconstructing the question it’s that in capitalist comp mono culture,
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It’s assumed that “your” one “partner” will have a well providing job and that people should be on their path to do that otherwise there’s no point in being with them. Which when broken down is like ok yeah that’s silly as shit, but charitably because that’s the assumed
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And honestly it’s even a little embarrassing to think about, like after so much time even considering a re-establishment of anything feels naive, just because there’s no confirmation from the other person. And I mean there are other things, like how I really haven’t changed
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Anything about myself since then, at least not super substantially. Like Gail has a ton of future life shit working, and from my perspective seems absolutely ready to take on the world (I’m sure she would disagree, but she is just really capable and I know she can handle so much)
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But then there’s me with no job/internship, no clue about the future, living completely off parents, and while I conceptually entirely agree that all the standards and coercion placed upon people are bullshit, doesn’t stop them from being standard and expected and someday I’ll
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More realistic about it not just being relief for the pain I was feeling, and that it will probably be pretty awkward and uncomfortable and all the rest. I’m actually feeling pretty anxious lol. Not only will it be difficult to navigate practically, but also I have to consider
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What I even would like in terms of relationship. Like it may just be easier to touch base once and never talk again, or be friends, or I don’t even know. And that’s impossible to figure out without the other person, so it’s hard to think about my own desires
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Like I think I’m fairly certain I could be content with any outcome, but not having an approach going in is stressful and confusing. Not like it’s happening tomorrow or anything just difficult to think about and document how I’m feeling.
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Ok trial 2. Basically I think I’m overall glad I’ve not felt the need to think about her as much. Before when imagining meeting up it felt like I could be going back to something safe and familiar, like it would remove the tension and pain of absence I was feeling.
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But idk I just didnt feel that way, and that was kinda shocking at first. It makes sense I suppose, still just a little odd. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a very high opinion of Gail and think it would be great to see her again, but I think now I’m able to be a little
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Not like being dependent on others is bad bc obv we all are, just like it’s healthy to not NEED someone around when that’s not possible type.
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Fuck I think I’m gonna trash this and start over something feels off idk

Alright I’m gonna try to write my thoughts out. So she’s been on my mind more often recently, and I think that’s best explained by an initial thought and then bc it’s recent brain can associate fresh things with. But still I think sorting through feelings on will be important
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And useful. So first thing that I think is most informative is somewhat mixed reaction to thinking about meeting her again. I think this was caused by me thinking about how many months left in year or something. Anyway usually it’s very hopeful or positive thoughts, like I miss
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Her. And I think that missing feeling has gone away, at least the most visceral feeling of like something feeling off/lacking without her. Like I have thought about her lots less bc I just didn’t really need to yk. I think that’s a positive thing like feeling dependent sucks
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This is so cool (didn’t wanna qt bc small acc lol) I really gotta write out my thoughts soon, bc clearly this is something I was wanting to share w Gail

also kinda odd that thats where my mind has been going lately too, I'd like to sort my thoughts out about that but I'm not really sure what to say or how to approach.

went down a gintis pipeline and found this interview, really interesting progression and perspective. I think I still disagree about what he calls postmodernism (rick wolff postmodern??) and that its harmful and useless, https://t.co/8kDeaek5d1
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