Honestly I think I’m missing Gail, or at least a role she played in my life. I feel misunderstood, I want a space where I can sink into another and be accepted and listened to. Genuine expression is so fucking hard and most people are just totally uninterested or uninteresting

Having an overwhelming amount of ideas is just really hard, and I want to express myself. I feel like a nuisance to the current people I have relationships if I bring up things, or they’re just not equipped to talk about it

Sounds condescending but yeah idk just really hard to connect when you feel like you have to over explain every concept or they can’t relate. I’m feeling a lot of emotions and don’t feel like I have any real outlet. :( I’m struggling

Idk no conclusion just having a rough one rn. Low brain power and emotionally and intellectually overwhelmed, despite not much going on. What not eating does ig, but I feel very strongly that is not what I want right now.

I feel so burnt out. I’m tired of expectations, I’m tired of people, I’m tired of trying. I just want to keep existing without having to experience anything.

Such a weird feeling of “I want to go home” despite not having a place in mind and being exactly where I want to be physically.

I really don’t want to go on rn. I don’t want to interact with people, I don’t want to be forced into labor, I don’t want to leave my room, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to have to think about how fucked the world is

I don’t feel very good :/ I want to go for a run but it’s way too late and I already did today.

There’s this interesting contradiction I have where the thing most important to me is my mind and mental experience I’d say, like the things that primarily interest me are in that way, and often psychical things just get in my way and frustrate that more intellectual pursuit.

But at the same time there’s this intense desire for my body to look a certain way, almost like a prerequisite for my mental interests to be satisfied since the physical desires can ruin my intellectual mood. However, actually achieving the physical body I want involves limiting

Important things for intellectual function, bringing it to a standstill. So while I convince myself it’s a prerequisite, it’s more like a preclusion. That being said if I could just (lol) change my mental state to be okay with my body there would be no contradiction

this is really random but im searching for cute underwear rn and remembered a time when i was kid where i basically tucked and tried to convince isaiah that something happened to my penis lol - there are actually a lot of instances of me doing stuff breaking from gender norms/

what most people would understand as hinting at non-male gender identity. dont really know what to make of it, def not one of those ppl that think you need to have young experiences for your gender to be valid or whatever, i think for the most part i was just oblivious and did

what felt comfy, and only learned later that it was out of the norms. there were some things i was aware of, like that I couldn't have long hair bc boy, but was only pressured intermittently n stuff idk

I feel gorgeous right now ☺️ cleaned up and shaved my legs and ah euphoria :)

I switched razor heads at the end tho and was going too hard with the fresh head and really tore up a part of my leg haha

I think something I really appreciate but often isn't said is how important philosophy has been to my life. It helps me avoid existential boredom and find meaning in everyday events by connecting them to a larger picture of values. Honestly I think this type of thinking and

approach contributed a lot to bringing me out of the worst of my depression, and I'd probably have to attribute my introduction to Destiny vids. pretty odd if you think about it.

anyway I really love analyzing stuff and having the free time to be able to experience art recently again has really been great

holy fuck episode 15 was beautiful. im crying.

everything past 10 has been really good, and 13 was fantastic as well. I'm really really enjoying this now

DITF is my highest rated anime now, maybe just the high I get after being super into a story but wow yeah I really enjoyed the later episodes

oh btw i reorganized and its lower now, i think its only fair considering the really rough start and some other peeves i had

Oh I should also mention that recently I’ve been able to feel a bit positive about my penis, which is a nice change. Still often uncomfortable about it, but I’ve been able to look at in the mirror without looking away which is nice.

I also want to buy some femme clothes soon, but I'm a little apprehensive I don't like buying commodities in general, and I've never bought clothes online before (obv i have to bc only other option is with parents which yknow), also I have to do research on what type of things

work well with amab bodies like panties n stuff, still really excited tho

the last few days i have felt REALLY good about my body. I think its because I haven't been eating that much and my belly just isn't full, but maybe running more has something to do with it too. Long hair also feels really nice, and I'm enjoying it getting longer

like why not challenge why youre slaughtering the aliens to begin with? what are their motivations? half the time it just seems like theyre framed "monster just want destruction lawl"

idk just frustrating that even the positive themes arent truly followed through on

also the whole setup of like "one boy and one girl pilot" is super weird and the sex metaphor is bazaar. like i think the idea of an intimate connection between people controlling something is interesting! but the way its handled is just fucking weird and just serves to

perpetuate the same gross male gaze shit. like the men are in control of the ships? wtf? and the women are like moaning and stuff but the guys never experience the same trouble connecting. like its so fucking weird

zero two could be an incredible character if given the right environment but its just weird now :/

the very foundation of the show is based on hierarchy and an awful gender ideology, and the writing/directing just reinforces rather than challenges it. infects everything :/

not to mention adult supremacy, human supremacy, and competitive toxic masculinity

like discrimination against zero two as an alien is framed as this thing that has to be overcome and that 016 is so progressive for not caring but like... its literally just a human with tiny horns. like this message is not challenging anything

starting darling in the franxx, theres a lot that i like but oh my god its almost unwatchable. the fanservice EXCLUSIVELY done to women characters is fucking awful and constant, and even the MC girl who is like sexually confident gets sexualized by the camera angles

Bloom Into You is giving me the opportunity to look into asexual and aromantic stuff more and its so interesting! like sex favorable asexuals are so fascinating and its super freeing to have this understanding to describe things

like it gives great insight and examples of people can relate to each other and gives a really powerful tool to understand how to navigate relationship anarchy

guitar riffs can make me feel the most intense emotions

I go through these periods where my head is just so full and I feel paralyzed from doing anything. I'm tired out from something (in this case, finishing classes) and I want to relax, but its hard. There's this sort of moral anxiety where I can't let myself enjoy media

because everythings just infected with gross immoral shit like on so many levels. I can't turn of the critical analysis part of my brain. Even though I value that and think its important I'd like to just chill out sometimes

The only other option from commercialized gross shit is lefty stuff but that also makes me critically think too :/ I struggle to relax

nevermind i found horimiya and both mcs give me so much gender euphoria (could do without the queerbating tho wish theyd just commit)

the opening to episode 10 😐gay shit is treated like a joke its so annoying it could actually be cool. also the monogamy based drama is weird - still a super super cute show tho

lol im doing what i complained about at the start of this thread but now im enjoying it

nyquil fucks my sleep so much no sleep all night so tired but body doesn't recognize sleep signal bc medicine does!!! teehee

alternatively, spurious correlation but idk i feel like this happened to me before

bruh how am i still sick. this shit sucks

also complicated to disaggregate gender euphorbia and attraction lol