Was watching Rick Roderick lectures and holy shit the framing of Utilitarianism and deontology as bourgeois morality is actually so fucking interesting and compelling. The reduction to the individualized atomized person doing actions independent from class analysis or power dynam

Always good to remember that politics come prior to ethics

Really hard to remember when every issue framed through the liberal lens, even by radicals. By adopting the wrong framework to explain the wrongness, they come off looking dogmatic about their conclusion. Not saying I’m better, because it’s nearly impossible for me to do too.

Why should I do this or care. I can have moments of joy but I don’t really feel fulfilled. Which again is maybe ok, but then why keep going?

If life is just going to be so miserable and while I’m here I’m burdening others, then fuck it dude I should just leave. I’m not having fun, I want to head out.

And I don’t think it’s immoral to *commit not alive*, but again I’m a coward. So I’m just kinda stuck.

I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to change anything, I don’t want to keep going. I’m sure there are plenty of experiences out there to be had, some of them even positive, but I’m not interested.

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty “life is pointless” arc. Prob due to doing classes and thinking future. Which I mean sure life has no point is true, but also usually it’s about meaning we give it. But I’m actually not very interested in giving anything meaning.

Like I can’t explain how desperately I do not want to enter the labor market. But it’s other things too, like school sucks, I don’t want to create or produce anything, I have no real passions or interests that I’d like to pursue. I’m all trapped in this productivist shithole

The one thing I do kinda enjoy is learning and reading and sometimes discussing it, but yeah idk. Even that it’s like for what purpose? I’m too much of a coward to do anything with the beliefs I’m gathering. And that’s ok to be a coward I think, it’s just it again leads back to

Something related I’ll mention is a greater uncomfortably with what is presented in porn, before it was sort of conceptually understanding it was weird and bad but now it’s a lot more visceral and emotional.

Also it’s annoying to have straight porn be everywhere, and lesbian porn be super male gaze fetish, and gay porn be super aggressive, and trans porn be SUPER fetish problematic. Only stuff that escapes that is homemade and uh idk not always greatest quality.

Also I think a big part of it is just not getting involuntarily horny? Like idk if it’s that puberty is over or all the soy (lol) but yeah. I also think the non-objectification of women contributes lots. But like now it’s much more of a conscious thing where I decide to do,

Rather than get swept up by something and get motivated. Also prob helps I don’t have a nearby sexual relationship.

Anyway, it’s not really a problem, just something I noticed. I’m pretty cool w it actually, it can be messy and gross and not feeling weird after watching questionable porn is nice and so is not getting hard in public lol

I don’t think I’ve thought about this explicitly very much but I’ve def noticed that over the past year or so, my libido has been really low, and I actually think there are a lot of theories that can at least partially explain why.

For starters, the obvious. The timing is a bit too convenient, yeah? But even identifying breakup timing doesn’t tell the whole story. We weren’t having sex at all near the end, and iirc (I hope I recall correctly) pretty quickly after she talked about her feelings around

I dropped stuff. I really hope that’s the case but my recent looking back at messages and realizing how much of an asshole makes me… worried. Really gross.

Anyway I think I was still pretty active personally while we were waiting stuff out (I even bought lube for the first time which caused a minor argument lol) and it’s not like even at our most we had sex a ton, but I just bring up bc I feel like it influenced my perception of sex

A bunch. I don’t remember how I was immediately following breakup, but I could imagine either way.

I think a big part is my changing understanding and phenomenological experience of gender (my own and others). I was more fully able to accept that I wasn’t straight and explore a bit. I think it helped dislodge my mental objectification of women’s bodies and problematics my

Attraction. The other thing is my internal understanding of gender changed a bunch, and I started to relate to / gender envy (cringe TikTok but it fits) towards women and more feminine presentation. My attraction to others is very similar if not identical to how I’d like

My own presentation to be now. Which is sorta weird thinking about it and prolly root of a lot, but I don’t know what to make of that yet.

im really fucking tired. ive been nonstop brain activity since 5am because of scheduling for classes and thinking about internship. this fucking sucks. making me think about future shit and it just makes me really sad lmao. i wanna stop thinking and just chill

still in class and super restless vibe. bright light hurts. i wanna go home. covering js mill and its just really boring utilitarianism is so thin and hes super racist and weird.

i think im gonna break out in a few days bc of stress ive had today, which is really annoying and frustrating, lol spiral. i have a lot of work to do this weekend too ughhghghgh im really frustrated.

Also why is eye contact so hard?? I need practice

Things I like for groups: Small group split offs Circle > Face front presenter Person who spoke last calls on next person

I’m so shy and passive until the other person opens up a bunch and leads things, then when I’m comfy you can’t get me to shut up. What a weirdo

but oh god what a mess no one knew what was going on it was very funny and then we took the vote... twice? and the second time we all said "aye" out loud?? LMFOAOOO it was so cringe omg the larp is real. the visitors were giggling really hard lol

i have no takeaways, that was just an experience

oh i finally talked to sam after, but theyre kind of a plant/ecology thembo and not theoryhead but they seem nice lol. only other anarchist person i think lol so ill take what i can get. they seem really nice just very different interests, and theyre also big on actually doing

mutual aid stuff, so might be good push at getting more involved with things. but tbh i dont expect ill put too much effort in, but idk who knows. i felt awkward but im glad i did it lol. more practice the better

oh but one of the girls (im sorry i really should know their names) was constantly referred to her and the other girl as the only other POC and uhhh im p sure there were like at least 2 other non-white ppl there, and i think they realized that so they said

"at least the ones that present that way" oh god the cringe

anyway it was an hour of a lot of awkward dancing and waffling and not much being said. one guy was really good at making sure we actually committed so something, and fr big props big respect. multiple times pushed for it until we actually had a vote thing

"member led club" repeated ad nauseum but Sam (person leading) was anarchist so they were more harsh towards leadership as a structure but still it was messy and weird

the "apologies" were weakkkkkk bro Matthew was like justifying it for half and then just ended w im sorry bro lmao. and andrew literally said 1 sentence apology and didnt speak the rest of the night. weird.

for that weak ass shit the 2 POC (id be specific but idk) girls that were complaining actually were very gracious imo like going pretty light and really reaching out. esp given how badly the convo ended on discord on matthew and andrews part lol

ok so for starters i was late bc i went to the wrong union (i made great travel time tho, only like 3 mins late). but this meeting was about addressing inclusivity and idk pretty odd i think

there were 2 older ppl attending and i think they were from madison DSA to like make sure things werent gross which i think is good. i recognized one from feminist caucus meetings at MDSA. they asked really tough questions and were p good at cutting to the point. didnt overspeak

tho. the 2 didnt take over, and basically just came in to keep some stuff moving forward. the actual convo waffled forever and was weirdly mediated by someone not even involved? and the ppl that were harsh in discord barely spoke at all.

oh gawwwwd i attended the YDSA general meeting and like... what a mess lmfao

hmmmm maybe i should request the reading lists of classes im interested in but dont think i could take. could be weird but could be useful. also even tho school structure has big flaws, clearly the readings arent always a replacement for readings +interacting with a prof who has

studied in the area and can give historical context and connections and stuff, but ykow i think its suitable enough

ugggghghghgh its so annoying realizing i just love sociology theory and the constant seeking for philosophy, econ, and poli sci just dont scratch that itch ughghghghghg

hoping to take some soc electives but im like super full yk so :/ and dont get me wrong theres a lot of boring soc shit and ofc im not like woohoo statistics! but yk

I FUCKING HATE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY!!!

i wish everything was accessible (in both access and accommodations) as anarchist library

Also I made neat backgrounds :)