the areas in which ive improved are good for me regardless of what relationships i have in my life, which is super wonderful imo. there are somethings that ive had minimal movement on, but these are mostly particular things relating to her interests and passions, however

widespread/common/universal these interests might be for many people. ultimately not *too* concerned about this, but still something worthy of consideration. lots of my interests and passions are highly individualistic, so this can make relationships difficult with people who

how horrendous tbh, really tragic. totally not my comfort zone or vibe. if all alone i think things can be super super incredible, like going for a walk at night when no ones around and feeling wind or watching things happen, hell i even feel it walking around downtown

but socially is a big question mark for me, almost always ruins it for me, even if its someone i like. just can't get into the right headspace ig. again coming back to how small of doses i can handle of these type of things before getting burnt out.

ok real last thing: pets :/ sorry i dont think you should kill them but yeah not really a big nonhuman animal guy. also the ethics are weird but im not like hardline, i just have some questions, and it gets weirder if species is hardcore domesticated. idk i can't stand sharing

oh shit theres more whoops. oh god this shit is really bad compatibility wise lmao. starting easy, "active" like walks/gym i think im much much more open to, but am still very skeptical based on how many people are around. less of a workout problem more of a social thing

which brings me to... social (family, friends, going out to do things, spending time in public [ex hw]). yeah idk what to tell you, still super not into this shit. think im much more capable of faking it and my tolerance has increased a bunch, and def anxiety reduction

but for fun? nah. BUT maybe if i had fun person to go with it wouldn't be so bad? haven't really had that since disposition change so who knows, but still doubtful. She also brings up walks and seeing beautiful things like nature and yeah i forgot how much she loved outdoor stuff

so i might have diminished ability, but also have pretty diminished needs. that beings said, diminished ability doesn't exclude me from responsibilities like contributing to collective chores or being respectful and kind interacting, but moreso is about time commitment

this is one reason in particular why multiple relationships is so appealing, so that people can pick up my slack. i dont want the responsibility of having to be the primary and exclusive carer, it feels way too demanding and unhealthy. again, not gail's fault, just sorta a

structural problem for me. BUT i think certain things like being willing to leave my house or go a bit out of my way have shifted a bit, almost certainly not enough to meet the standard, but a bit. overall prob my least improved area and one that i think was very important

to her.

idk i also think part of this that is easy for me to overlook is just how introverted i am. like now that ive been out of a "romantic" relationship commitment i spend A LOT of time alone, and i love that!

buttttt i think when thinking about relationships in the abstract its easy for me to take that recovery time for granted, and overestimate the energy and time i really have for activities with others. not to say that gail was too demanding, like she was so so accommodating

but still i don't think i had enough time to give that she needed, even though she had tons of other relationships, and particularly if im her only "partner". i guess i just struggle to understand acts of service conceptually, maybe if i think about it in terms of mutual aid?

that its something i should grow out of. ofc once i stop being so financially dependent on parents my practices will change and maybe ill feel less weird about it, but in some ways i hope not. im sorta glad i have so much disgust. btw she didnt mention gifts on the list so maybe

this isn't fair to her/ isn't a big deal, but it was definitely a friction point and messed with other things like willingness to do things she found fun like shopping. but that stuff would also be much different bc anxiety shift, even if i had dispositional disgust for

anywayy acts of service i def still suck ass at. partly bc i haven't had any person to really practice w probably, but also bc idk its just weird to me. at the time tho i was def super super selfish and inconsiderate, and not selfish in the self respecting way, more like exploit

BUT there is still a lot of valid critique in there that isnt just that. i def struggled w depression stuff a lot and felt very aimless and sad. i think now i have a bit more strong footing and ive had space and time to construct my grounding for myself. very important w things

like jogging for ex., it felt like it was my choice and my idea, not imposed from elsewhere. i think this one is also hard tho bc she was much more actively seeking out a positive project for fulfillment, where I still am more happy just being content and not really striving

which i think touches on some fundamental differences in values, which ive been able to solidify by reading and learning more. like there are a couple things on the list that are very productivist that ive become very dissolutioned with ("ambition, strong work ethic,

growth mindset"). this could just be difference in wording but idk the repetition seems p important. def relevant to the striving vs content perspective, and also touches on my anti-consumerism/materialism and anti-"success" type things that seemed to drive her often

which brings me to last highlighted thing, love languages of acts of service and gifts: gifts are tricky bc i am still weird with money and reading theory about commodities have not helped. prob the thing i've least "grown" on, but ykow i still have the position so i'm skeptical

i feel like now im way more capable to handle things by myself, and even though i still have anxiety its like fundamentally different. now i think its a lot more in line with most people's feelings of nervousness, whereas before it was like. woah. very impeding on everyday life

I def feel "complete on my own", at least in the sense she means (plenty of individualist crip theory critiques, but i know what its referencing) overall very salient criticism, and something im glad to have grown a lot on since.

next, "strong ambition for life": "excited for things, although not overly, still realistic and practical, but enjoys life and appreciates the things that make it complex", "celebrates life with me :) bc its really cool and fun and should be appreciated"

yeah i think there still might be some mismatch here, but more in how these ideas are instantiated (ex. she might mean ambition for life as going out and hiking and appreciating nature, whereas i could experience the same intense pleasure and appreciation by reading a book)

idk i just feel a lot less angry and righteously indignant, and like ive really developed personality in a different direction. a lot less overconfident in my abilities and knowledge, and much more aware of my reliance on others

idk honestly i think i just sort of discovered empathy? which is weird to say but i feel like it happened. i think i was super fucking logic brain and how fucking awful im so sorry yikes

ok next, independence: "not too reliant on me, do not want to feel like I'm a babysitter", "someone who is complete on their own" i mean can't say it better than that, i def did not live up to those criteria

suuuuper dependent, honestly such a fundamental shift in character after breakup its hard to imagine it. that must have been absolutely draining and was entirely unfair. i was keeping her at arms length often but still demanding so much care

thats my first intuition but i have to fight back against that bc even if you dont need 1 partner to fulfill everything, it can still be nice and cool to connect with your relationships in ways that matter to them*

with that out of the way, ill start w/ respectful: at the time, i was absolutely fucking horrendous at communicating (even worse than i thought yikes) and was super aggressive in convos where i was convinced i was right. super fucking cringe, super fucking gross.

i think ive grown in this way? which is odd to say bc i haven't really had a ton of new interactions but i think this space has really enriched my character in a lot of important ways, even if that seems a little counterintuitive.

not to say that i think we should have stayed together necessarily, there were still some deep issues that would possibly impossible to resolve, but wow i could have communicated so so so so much better and we could have talked about stuff that was actually important

AHHHHHHHH shes trying SO HARD and i am making things SO DIFFICULT??? WHY?>?>?

ok so she made this great list of things that were super important for her that she didn't feel like matched up very well and i wanna go through them (esp the highlighted ones)

*but first i wanna acknowledge change in perspective ive had since about RA stuff. i dont feel the need for everything to be attached to one life partner, so a lot of the things that are *lacking* on the list my solution is just to find other relationships that fill that void,

maybe i was just having a slump or something?? but wow jesus christ what the fuck this is actually really hard to read. shes being super mature and putting a ton of effort in and im like 100% phoning it in jesus. this is the first time i've actually read through

the texts leading up to break up (that i can remember? maybe i did right after?) but yeah yeeeesh this is so fucking shit

at the time i think i was super arrogant and wayyyyy over confident fucking philosophy bro cringelord and wow jesus christ is shows. she was actually communicating so well and i was just all over the place. this is actually super embarrassing.

I don't know why I always feel like developmentally behind her but wow it really shows after giving some space between.

re reading texts between gail and HOLY FUCK I WAS ACTUALLY THE WORST WHAT THE FUCK. SERIOUSLY>>>???????

like i was horrendous at communication and she was actually so fucking patient and the one doing a lot of serious reflection and shit, and i was just constantly missing the point and being a fucking asshole what the fuck

i was kinda cute in hs lol

It’s actually pretty astounding how quickly my I shift from being an anxious mess to feeling confident

Lmfao christians are truly oppressed by roblox censorship

??? These views holy shit. were so fucked

another ex is like she asked what other clubs i was in and i could have said i go to DSA sometimes, but mostly just listen because theyre heavily neokaut marxist influence and im more anarchist. but even saying dsa comes with baggage maybe and explaining further is just

even more of a thing and they wont know or care lol. but still being more vulnerable and transparent helps people feel comfy around you in return, its just hard for me to take that leap first. but ppl like to hear things youre passionate about and otherwise its just zz small talk