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i’m not sure what i meant by this but i know it’s true, at least as a false speech-act
the juxtaposition of my calls with julie and the disinterest of my messages with hailey
(sidney morgenbesser reference)
1 repliesto be abundantly clear the negativist citation is adorno
a new beginning, ends with loss. clarification through distance, they say. getting too comfortable, the chemicals prevail. "never mistaken flight for victory." too stagnant, living through nothing together. what if, waiting, or in the making. step up.
1 replieshomesick for a home i never had. homesick for a heart i never owned. inconsistencies in your chest were a craft i should of known. solitude is just, it's just alone. feeling numb is better than what you'd think. and i swear, once i'm on my own, i'll never do this again.
that too was messy and inarticulate, and not in a "waow so raw so deep way". i misspoke and my emphasis is still all wrong but whatever man i'm tired
"everything's fine" hits, good track
i think tomorrow i'd like to find a place to hide and listen to music
ngl i really fumbled the last one and im never clear about my purpose with such things (even to myself, which causes me to flounder when challenged). had a long talk with kasey about it and we kinda settled on "actually this was a call-out post for your affluent followers in disguise"
1 replieslike yea i'm a part of it but that's not really the primary purpose, it's more like performative over the top self-flagellation with the intention to remind people that this shit is not benign or innocuous, it doesn't come from nowhere, one ought reflect on it's sources, integration, usage, etc etc.
1 replieslowkey i also just hate the obscurity and pretending everyone has about this stuff too. everyone presents themselves as something they are not and the only real way to verify is to be obnoxiously transparent. but it either comes off as genuinely guilt-ridden or humble bragging.
1 repliesit's a flawed strat, i don't think i'm gonna do it anymore. it causes a lot of interpersonal issues and it's blunt and ugly so i'm backing down. i think it was more rhetorically effective when i was making 70k, because techies were making more than me and i could be like "even with this its opulent"
1 repliesi'm kinda done trying to spread or share what i think. for one i'm not as sharp as before. it also just doesn't matter. i sorta just have an accumulation of blurry dispositions and reactions, and im grateful for those, but at this point i'm inarticulate and don't have any fight in me.
1 repliesi don't care about anything other than my friends and it sucks to see them hurt all the time and no one pays it any mind. we're all so much more damaged than we realize and everyone is just trying to protect themselves and maintain their pride instead.
1 repliesyes affirmation and yay-saying are good, but when it's purpose is cowardly ego defense or ignorant pride it's just weakness. i'm weak too and i don't know what to do and i can't fix the world. so i guess i'll acknowledge myself privately, place my focus elsewhere, and make the most of what i have.
your thoughts aren't worth it otherwise. mine haven't for quite a while
that nap really helped whew
posted twice, didn’t tag once 😔
got weirdly self conscious about my voice today
walked too much gonna nap now
i could use a water break first
i’ll go find kitty
i don’t think i wanna go back yet